17 September 2010

All is Choice- Part 1

The "all is choice " thing is a complete mind fuck to me right now. The easy part of it is going around telling everyone they have complete control and responsibility for their choices.

Now tell yourself that?

We go through one day making a multitude of minor choices instinctively or through habit. We don't consider them choices. You don't think about the fact that getting up in the morning to go to work is a choice.
Breathing is a choice.
Our bodies make it subconsciously but we can decide on it in a very different conscious way. By either taking the cowards way out to commit suicide, or by taking small habitual, addictive choices by not stopping smoking, not being healthy.

By doing dangerous things for whatever reason are we trying to force our bodies to stop breathing? Are we making that choice when we decide that it's just too hard to quit smoking it's just too hard to live healthy?

I'm asking myself these hard questions. The only judgment here is towards myself.

How far does choice go? Sometimes you don't get given a choice between right and wrong, between good and evil. Your choice might only be between 2 wrongs. How do you decide on the lesser evil?

The thing that has triggered this questioning in my mind was a minor unimportant episode yesterday. My dad and I usually drive to work together with his bakkie ( truck, which only has 2 seats) so my husband takes our daughter to school and picks her up so she'll be safe in her car seat.

The shop where we buy groceries is right across from the school so every now and again, on our way home, dad and I will stop there.

Last night going to the shop we saw about 10 police vehicles parked around the school, men in uniform where walking around and as this is South Africa I immediately thought something of a criminal nature must have happened.

I guess my choices where to stay calm and ask someone what was going on, or to panic a bit. Once again This is South Africa, if you see more than 2 cop cars together you think the worst. I mean we barely have enough police to go around as it is so if there are 10 together something VERY BAD must have happened.

So I told my dad "fuck it, I need to get my child, she'll have to sit on my lap
" I have always been very obsessive about car safety so for me to make this decision I must really have been very scared.

I didn't consciously have the time to dissect my emotions and evaluate them rationally. My child might be in danger I reacted like a Mother Lion.

It ended up being the friggin Mayor of Bellville coming to have a look at the surroundings as he would be visiting there on Saturday for some reason.

There are many things about that which pisses me off. We don't have enough police to investigate crimes properly or to respond to emergencies, but we have enough to send about 20 into a 3km walking route to ensure the safety of Mr Mayor, and thereby scare the living daylights out of parents on their way to pick up there babies from school? I guess I have the choice to get angry or to just let it go. I'm still hovering in between

On the other hand it also revealed a bit about my thought processes, and about the working of choice. I have no answers yet, but will keep thinking and rolling it around in my mind. I am the over thinker, and I don't care. That's who I am.

06 September 2010

Times of my life

Well it's been a while. How are You? I'm quite fine.

I've not been very fine for quite a while now, but it seems that I've just stepped into a different time of my life I guess.

The part where I spent so much focused energy on exploring my Psyche, my spirituality, my mind, seems to have past a little. So now I'm moving into an exploration of my actual physical day to day life.

There's a lot I am tired of, and it hit me a while back that only I have the choice to change this. Nothing is going to automatically fall into place.

Time to make some hard decisions do some hard work and climb out of my head a bit. Because even though it's not a bad thing to be inside there trying to clean out the clutter, it will help me so much more if I also clean out the outside clutter.

So I'll see how much I feel like sharing it on here, but things are a changing, hard questions are asked, and hard decisions need to be made, in the right and proper way. In a way that means they're done and I can move on, and not just swept under the carpet.

26 June 2010

New York Dreams

In all of my life I have not really suffered from recurring dreams as much as some.

Before I had Caitlin she was a visitor in many dreams, but always in different ways. As a child I had a dream about a place somewhere in the wilderness, where I would meet up with friends and family. It was such a clear dream that I used to wake up thinking it couldn't be just a dream. It felt like a memory. I can't remember many of the details, just the overwhelming feeling of love, adventure and belonging and the idea that it was a real place.

Coming back to South Africa after my year in the USA I kept returning to New York in my dreams.

I can't remember how many of those dreams I had but all of them had this feeling of "Yay at last I can go back home" and then failure that I couldn't stay.

For the last couple of years I haven't been remembering a lot of dreams so it was quite strange for me to return to New York again in a dream this week.

I don't really spend a lot of time trying to figure out meaning in my dreams. I just think about the feelings I experienced and then usually in my day to day life the emotions will pop up, which will explain to me the why of the dream.

This one was strange though, and real life keeps reminding me of the dream without giving me any answers to the why.

I dreamed I went back to New York and I was constantly telling myself Third time Lucky ( I have only been there once in reality) I also landed up in High school. Everyone was friendly and welcoming. I realised it was summer in NY and I only packed winter clothes, but someone was so kind to give me a warm Jacket. See it doesn't make sense. Warm Jacket in summer. LOL

In any case what the dream did recreate the longing I hadn't been feeling for ages. Missing New York. the city had, to me, a very specific energy. This was probably just my perception of it and has nothing to do with how people experience it every day.

To me it had this old energy of possibility, expectation, and unrelenting power. The City felt like the way it had been portrayed in many movies, as a character itself. Alive and conscious.

I love Cape Town, I'm happy where I am now, but I do still hear the calling back. I don't see myself returning in any physical form in the near future, but who knows what life has in store.

23 June 2010

Finding a Place of "Just being"

As we explore ourselves, searching for our own truth. Delving into our own motivations and looking for answers, be it spiritual psychological or religious we can very much start to over think.

I'm a good candidate for that. Over thinking has always been a problem for me, so the only way for me to get past over thinking is to find a position of just being. Not to be passive in my own life, but to be open. To accept lessons and ideas as they come. To experience fully the moment, and to not just get stuck so much in my own head that life passes me by.

I found this Blog post quite resonant.

Being present is being spiritual. Being open and without prejudice will lead you to discovery of this life, yourself and the whole.

I too often find myself unwilling to listen to an opposing Point of view, but I know that each point of view is valid, and I can only grow my own understanding of life, through listening, experiencing, and being. This creates Freedom.

15 June 2010


I'm by no means the great romantic of my youth. Even though I am very much an idealist I lately feel more like a cynic or realist.

I have already spent almost 12 years with the man I love so that thrill of initial romance is long gone. The chemical reaction has been replaced by a more deeply felt and, for me, hard to explain kind of love.

Strangely enough when many people talk of love I think they talk of that chemical reaction. Love for me is a much more quiet and intense emotion. I never before realised the degrees of Love as truly and purely as I did in the last week or two.

I'm quite tired of putting disclaimers on things I say so if you don't agree, then don't sweat it. This is what I feel.

First there was my parents siblings and family. I felt a deep love for them. They where all I knew. They both hurt and loved me to varying degrees throughout my life. a Lot of it bad and a lot of it good. Hey we're all human.

Then as I got older I had friends from time to time who I felt more than just companionship with, but a degree of love. Those are usually still in my life to some extent or another.

Every now and again I'd also feel Love towards humanity as a whole, the planet, the universe. I always felt it hard to "love" a god who I didn't really know much about. At times I did really "feel " it though.

Now I think that "God" as such is much more abstract to me, and in a lot of ways really IS Love, and not even closely the guy sitting on his thrown in heaven as I was taught.

Then I met and Married my soul mate. We had more of companionship and camaraderie. I still feel very inseparable from him, but much less than at first.

It's easy to forget that for about the first 5 years we where together we'd do EVERYTHING together. I just felt like half a person without him. How healthy that is I don't know. Probably not very.

When Caitlin was born there started the biggest love affair of my life. There is no other person on this planet who I love more. my husband looses there. "Sorry love"

I'm still trying to figure out how much of that is Biological imperative, instinct, co-dependence, spiritual connection or just my inability to detach.

I need to realise, accept and fully understand and live that she is a spiritual being in her own right. That she has come here to make choices of her own, learn lessons of her own and become her own person. The last thing she needs is an over bearing over protective mother who projects her own emotions onto her.

I really do Love her though. I can not imagine my life without her. I'd hate to sound like a drama queen but I can't imagine life at all, without her.

To me we have spent many lives together, and for the first time in my life I started feeling less alone when she was born.

So I am starting to explore why it is I have this incredible need to not be alone. I spent the first 23 years of my life very much alone. Very much not in touch or truly connected to any other being. There where some connections but none strong enough to really make a permanent impact.

Now I sit with this ridiculous fear of not having my companions. I don't want to be on this earth without them.

09 June 2010

Slap in the face from the Universe

It’s funny how the day after I came to talk about, assimilate and recognise This the universe decided to re-affirm this lesson and pull the rug out from under me in no uncertain terms.

I will write about what happened and my feelings around the actual event, and then probably discuss the realisations and thoughts I’ve had since then in separate posts.

On Friday 4 June 2010 I took my daughter Caitlin to the paediatrician in order to find out what the cause was for her continued and constant cough. Since she’d been sick in April the cough just never went away. I realised last week that it could not be healthy to keep her on cough medicines, especially as they where not working.

As both her dad and I had asthma as children this was also a possibility, so obviously the safer course was to have it checked out by a professional.

The paediatrician was truly great. He was able to safely say that she does not have asthma but the continued infections had more to do with her enlarged tonsils and adenoids. His recommendation was to have them taken out, but preferably wait till summer for that.

While I was there I also mentioned the fact that at almost 4 years old she was not potty trained yet. He asked me some questions and then examined her stomach after which he told me she most probably has some intestinal blockages which have, over time, made it nearly impossible for her to have any kind of predictive sensation in going to the bathroom. Hopefully this will clear up as soon as we give her something to clean that out.

As a final thought I asked him to have a look at a black mark she’d had under her foot for at least 2 years.

I asked the GP about it in April, but she wasn’t sure of what it was, and said it was most probably a mole. Well it turns out to be the one very serious thing.

It is a melanoma, it has a high risk of being or turning cancerous, and it needs to be removed as soon as possible. We got confirmation of this from the Plastic Surgeon yesterday.

As you can imagine the last thing any parent ever prepares themselves for is hearing the word Cancer when referring to their child. Just the mere possibility of it completely sent me on a reeling trip through worse case scenario’s and with vengeance hooked into every big fear I ever had.

The rest of Friday was spent in a daze and moving between near hysteria and shock, to utter numbness and denial.

On Saturday morning I woke up, and the memory hit me like a ton of bricks. I spent the next 2 hours, while Caitlin was still sleeping, crying my heart out, absolutely sobbing at this overwhelming feeling of helplessness, and fear. I allowed myself to experience this pain fully, while she couldn’t witness it.

Then I put my big girl panties on and started to just deal with the facts.

Since then and from there, I have had to deal with some depression and a ton of conflicting emotions, but right now I feel like I have achieved emotional balance again. Better able to just get through whatever is coming. There is a bit of denial still in there, but Hey if it helps me cope.

What has been going on in my head will probably still have a ripple effect into my life for a long time, and so I will discuss some of that in later posts.

03 June 2010

Living Life with a Vengeance

Sometimes in the past I have complained about the unstable nature of life. How at one moment something is good, life is good. Everything seems easy and peaceful, and then the next moment all is chaos and desperation.

I've come to the realisation that that is part of the basic nature of our reality. As the day renews itself each 24 hours, as the seasons renew themselves each year. As we renew our lives in this reality ( if you believe in Karma) or if you don't, as we renew our lives by having offspring. This is it. it's circular instead of linear. We never move from point A to Point B. We move from Point A right through BC to X and then back to A.

So no wonder that each lesson learned will often have to be renewed, each challenged overcome would need to be revisited. Each relationship issue resolved could very well come up again. We do get better at handling these things. I think we do grow, but even our growth is perpetual, and not a linear thing.

So the challenge is to hold on to that which we find Valid and resonating, remind ourselves of the truths we know at one point and need to re-experience at another, and then Keep on keeping on. That's a trick isn't it. How tempting to give up, and then we just don't move forward at all, or do we? Isn't giving up it's own lesson.

Sorry if I sound obscure in any way, but these are gigantic ideas, that now confront me and allow me to for the first time attempt my big ideas, because every time I have given up in the past I've set my life up to bring me back to that which I gave up on. For me it's time to Just Do It!

25 May 2010

Quick update

I'm not dead, just studying. and so very very busy with that and work. Will be back to ponder my increased insanity very soon.

03 May 2010

Going Down Down Down

For the longest time I have been okay. For the longest time the little downs where fine, and easy to get out of. Since beginning of April I had this gut feeling that something was just off.

Something just not quite right.

I just went on with life, facing each little mishap as it happened, and trying to keep looking on the bright side.

Now I have to admit though. I'm already over the edge. I'm on the slippery slope down. I'm still trying to stop it. Trying to climb back out, but I just don't know if it's worth the energy.

Maybe I should just embrace this darkness, and hope it passes quickly. Is fighting it not just delaying the inevitable?

Every little mishap now seems to make the cement of my darkness just a little bit more sticky. I'm getting stuck in this quagmire. It's still around my feet, but I hate this feeling of a tightening band of dread and fear around my middle.

It's been there for a month, in lesser proportions and now it's just getting darker and darker and harder to breathe.

Every little thing that goes wrong right now is just so much harder to bounce back from. I hate this feeling. I guess it wouldn't be clinical depression if it was easy to get out of.

I just don't like it.

Will try and convince myself of all the things I know so well, because as soon as you sink into the cement or mud, it's so hard to believe that positive actions help for negative emotions.

So will force myself to do what I need in order to escape this. Just forgive me if I seem a bit dull, If I struggle to concentrate, when I react to the smallest mishap with paranoia. When I feel dread even though the sun is shining and the day is bright.

My day is a bit rainy. I know intellectually my mind must be playing tricks on me. Emotionally it feels like something is so very wrong. Something is going so very wrong. Something bad is just waiting to happen.

I don't want to feel this, because I don't want to create it. But I can't deny it. My whole body is feeling it. Like all my nerves are raw, and the roof is gonna cave in just now. I guess I have a bad feeling, and I don't know if it's just me or something more.

30 April 2010

On the edge

I haven't written anything for so long because my life has just been so busy. I spent two weeks at home. The first was because my daughter was too sick to go to school, and then in a show of great kindness and sharing I caught her bug. So the second week I was too sick to do much, and she was still recovering.

I've been back to work this week, and one thing after the other has meant my life has become this incredible feat of juggling and I'm on the edge of dropping some balls.

I really have been in a decent mental space lately, even with chaos around I have tried to keep myself grounded in the values and beliefs that I have been working so hard to explore.

I guess for the longest time now I have been concentrating to hard on those that the practical aspects of my existence have taken a bit of a backseat and are now catching up with me.

I was exploring a very interesting topic in my mind. Something I'd like to write about in order to explore it even more, but now I just can't make the time for it.

So I'm living a bit in my head again, where things are getting slightly fuzzy and out of focus. I just don't have the time and energy to focus on more growth right now.

I think for the next month or so I will really have to concentrate on practicalities. The company I work for is once again not doing so well, so there is talk of selling. This means I could be without a job soon. I have ignored this fact up to now as I was hoping we could save it. I also have exams coming up end of May and feel ashamed to admit this, but I've not done a thing. I have a lot to concentrate on.

In between all this my Husband has serious problems with his job, my medical aid is gone for the year, and I am surrounded by a bunch of amazing friends who I have been neglecting terribly, and feel very guilty about. But right now in order to not fall of this edge, and drop all the balls I'm gonna have to put a few of them down in order to make sure I don't drop the breakable ones.

06 April 2010

The Question

The whole purpose of this blog in the first place was to discover and explore my own psyche. To figure out and track for myself if I am bipolar. Along the lines it has moved me into a place of deeper exploration of spiritual, emotional, physical and psychological issues that I had put on hold, so to speak.

The last couple of months have been a journey like no other. I am at the age of the 4th Internal Monad. If I am half way through, already through or still in the starting stages, I find hard to figure out, but for a while I felt like I might be finishing this one. I will do some more reading on that as soon as I get the time and inclination

For now I am thinking in more practical terms. I have been playing with the idea that maybe I am not Bipolar. I've been experiencing very long periods of relative normalcy. Periods of balance. I have been able to cope with what life throws my way and in no way felt like I was experiencing any emotions that where not transitory or out of my control.

I'm going through a slight bit of a low today though, and immediately the question comes up again. How chemical is it? How much is it a spiritual thing, emotional or physical?

My understanding of mental illness is that it is a physical thing. Something you do not have control of.

My questions are these. If One is Physically bipolar, IOW the brain chemicals are a bit screwy and can't quite regulate themselves. How possible is it to overcome this through spiritual growth? Is it that I might "have been" Chemically imbalanced, but through spiritual exploration and a true delving into issues that I have kind of ignored forever I am able to "cure" this physical ailment? Or at least learning to cope with it?

Or is it that my spiritual and emotional imbalances where what was manifesting into a physical ailment, which I don't really have.

How much does mind over matter work? Going both ways?
I know that everything in the mind will manifest in the body, and this is why it is so important to be aware of what happens in the mind.

So I guess in the end all is choice. Do I choose to believe the one or to believe the other, because that which I believe becomes my truth.

I will choose to believe that no matter what it is, either or, that I am beating it. I am moving through and past it. It's a thorny bush that has shown up in my garden a few times, but I am untangling myself from it, and choosing to stay on the path ways, and move ahead without any more snagging.

So even though today, right now I feel quite tired, lifeless, and depressed. I make the conscious decision to only stay here for a little while. I am allowing myself a little bit of wallow, and then tomorrow or even later today I will find that Joy again, and all will be well.

29 March 2010

The Garden

I'm on this very strange winding road. It is a path through a garden. The garden is a mix of wild plants growing freely and flowers and trees lovingly sculpted into organised beauty.

My path is earth. It has steps from time to time, moulded into the earthen path. Every now and again they're spaced quite close together.I might think I'm going up one step, and it turns out I'm climbing 7, before leveling out again.

The Path is winding, I rarely see a turn before I get to it. It gradually moves upwards.

The path has a few dips here and there, a couple of streams to cross. In the beginning there where quite a few big mud pools, and a roaring river or two.

Just now someone would tell me something, and up I go three stairs at a time. turning left and right and left again, speeding along without even realising where it's taking me.

Then I go through a slow meander with no real incline, and no stairs, and I can look around me restfully and appreciate the beauty.

Nature is not all beauty though. It is also dark and scary at night. In a big scary Forrest it's hard to appreciate the simplicity of nature, when you hear scary sounds, and can't see where you're going. The sun rises again and you realise you where scared of your own heartbeat. There's nothing to harm you. I realise I have my own light, and can decide how brightly it needs to shine.

I think I have moved up high enough to start seeing glimpses of the whole garden from this height whenever there is a break in the trees.

The Garden feels larger than I can imagine. I love those twists and turns. It's never boring. I like the others on the path with me. They sometimes help me up a stair or two, or tell me it might be time for a rest.

I'm never alone. I feel the energy that never left or came.

26 March 2010

The Final Word on the religion thing

Hopefully this will be my last post on that little debacle.

After spending the last week since my last post coming to terms with all that was botherin gme I think I have made peace.

I asked advice elsewhere, and based on the responses I got etc, I came to the following conclusions ( Copied from the topic here )

So one of the (new agey) things I often do is try to look for reason where it's not obvious.

As per my original post I started discussing this confrontation here, more to get some insight into my own issues around this, than to get people to agree with me.

All of the stories made me realise at first that YAY I am not alone. Being alone really kind of sucks, especially when it makes you doubt yourself.

Then I realised A Yeah I can give her back whatever she's sending my way ( but that very soon turned stale, and I don't think any of this was about that for me. Yes it hooked into a nice little adrenaline rush, but it's short term and not so nice. I like being nice, Most of the time.

I then got hit with the ton of bricks. Lanee was definitely wrong when she said she thinks I'm past Arrogance. ( ok she did tell me , me thinking I'm not is just another belief thing and I am creating it by believing it) But the realisation around my (boring) fear of rejection came very organically, and very strangely, and i do believe very validly.It was a true insight into me. I don't get them as often as I think I do.

Friday things where still in a bit of a holding pattern, impass, regarding the whole Facebook religious fight/e-war. I was not at any point to let it go, even though I wanted to. So when my brother sent me a message on Fb saying he is contributing from a religious point of view, and his wife did too, my immediate gut reaction was. SHit, more rejection. I love my Sister in Law. She's like a real sister to me, and she's even been supportive of me taking on this friend of theirs, so it was so hard to swallow.

I read what you said Geraldine, and I though, No.. It's time to grow up and face this head on Elaine. No more self pitying. Deal with it.

So I sent her a message. I lay it all out there. I have never gone out of my way to explain to anyone HOW different my beliefs where to theirs. I never went out and told them exactly what I am NOT. I an Not a Christian.

In my family and the way we're brought up it's like a BIG swear word. It's just not done. WHat I have been doing in the past, is avoiding the issue, consentrating on the similarities in our beliefs, and ignoring the rest.

This whole event in it's entirety forced me to not only be honest with myself about my own issues, but to actually say the words. To spell it out. ( Maybe I was trying to thereby force her and my brother into rejecting me, I don't know) but the results where more than I could have asked for.

I spent friday afternoon with a migrain. I slept, I couldn't wake up. My body didn't want to give my mind anymore chance to go back and forth. My brain just couldn't handle it anymore.

I missed her SMS and phoned her saturday. WOW what a conversation. We discussed the Bible, we discussed religion, we discussed the fact that we had more similarities in essence, than we cared about in terminology, or ideology. It was the most mindblowing discussion.

Later sat I saw one of my few "like-minded" friends, and also told her all I had been going through, so I got the oppertunity to have a sounding board for all of these things running through my head.

Sat night my husband's sister came around. Now she has in the past told me we believe in different God's so I don't talk religion with her. But surprisingly enough she's also accepted that even though we have different belief systems, we do have a lot of similarities in philosophy. We had an intense discussion without once having to use terminology.

Sunday we had another social event at our house. By this time it was all sorted for me, and I was able to have fun, joke with myself and get over myself.

The thing is by yesterday, the fanatic I posted about was still eagerly awaiting my newest response to her challenge, but I had gotten to where I needed to be. I know that when it came to religion and especially the people around me, and how it influenced our relationships, I had been avoiding so many things for so long, I think it was just time I had to be myself. Set myself free, and realise I could still have very interesting learning experiences from those in my life, especially when we believed in such different ways. So I have no need to continue on with the "e-war"

19 March 2010

Feeling like such a baby

I've gone from feeling like an excited puppy dog this morning to feeling like a big self pitying baby this afternoon.

Most of my thought processes are still consumed with the religion thing. I've been making some headway in discovering what my big friggin problem is.

1. I feel lonely. I don't personally know many people, who are currently in my life, with the same or even similar beliefs. I belong to online communities ( where I'm really too new to fit in) I have friends who have different beliefs but never give me a hard time about mine. Then I have friends who have different beliefs with who I don't even need to go into the beliefs thing.

2. I'm scared of rejection. I guess this is a very human thing. Very normal. We all want to belong. We want to be accepted for who we are. We need to be appreciated, and be allowed to express ourselves without judgment by those who we care about.

I'm scared that the more I am myself the more I open myself to rejection. When I hide that part of myself, which is my spiritual beliefs I am hiding a big reason for the light inside of me. So I am hiding a big part of who I really am.

I don't want to hide it, in order to make others feel more comfortable. I don't want to hide it for fear of being judged and rejected. So obviously my only option is to get used to the rejection or the judgment.

I've also decided I need to spend more time finding like minded individuals. Not just online, but also in RL.

What's hard for me is I'm not hardcore anything. I'm not Hard Core New Age, or pagan, or whatever else there is. I'm not extremely into crystal healing, or herbal remedies, or aliens, or psychics, or Tarots or "The Secret" or whatever all. I find little bits and pieces in everything which resonates with me, and those I hold onto.

I even have little bits and pieces out of Christianity, that resonates with me, and which I hold onto. I'm not a Christian though. If I had to write that on my Facebook status, I wonder how many "concerned" phone calls I would get.

I wonder how many descussions I would have to have where it feels like I am hitting my head against the wall.

I wonder who would say anything to my face, and which ones would rather just whisper behind my back.

I don't need this to bother me, I should not allow it to affect me, but in the interest of being completely honest with myself, and you...the 2 people reading this. I have to admit. It does bother me. Why? Because I am tired of feeling alone.

I am tired of feeling alone and not very well understood. I am tired of not being part of something bigger than myself, and not feeling accepted. I need to feel some Love. Acceptance.

I know I am not always right, but I am on my own path. There is nothing I read or hear, which I accept as truth. It either resonates with me, and after thinking and reading more about it I would decide it doesn't, or it does.

Well this was my attempt at sorting out the crap in my head. I might decide to just delete this tomorrow....just kidding

17 March 2010

Feeling so unsettled

After my last post this is still continuing. I am being baited into fanatically religious arguments that are completely pointless. I know the power lies with me to end it, so I have taken solid steps, by breaking off contact with the person who is doing the baiting.

I'm still feeling excessively yukky about it though. Trying to figure out what is causing this feeling

1. I reckon there's frustration because I lack the ability to get my point across. But on the other hand there is no attempt at understanding from the Point of View of fanaticism, so I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not surprised though I am frustrated.

2. I feel uncomfortable that I share a world, and a group of friends /family where these kinds of believes thrive, and if you have an opposing POV you are described as a heretic or Blasphemer.
- I guess my my problem here is not easily solved as it is a fact that beliefs differ. I'm just constantly angered by the fact that people would much rather point out the differences than look for the similarities.

3. I just don't know how to think about this anymore, and if I should just ignore it.

I'm probably missing the bigger picture. I have dared to challenge someone's beliefs. They obviously hold it very high in their lives, so what else can I expect other than the retaliation and the attempt at them trying to preserve their beliefs to themselves.

I guess if you need that as a beacon in your life then you will fight tooth and nail to hold onto what you think is true, and deny any possibility that it might not be. The other part that grates me is even now, when debating an issue like this I constantly question my Own beliefs. I constantly look for validation. I constantly try and think of it from another perspective.

15 March 2010

Fanaticism, Dogma, and Conspiracy Theories

Last week I happened to hit my head repeatedly against this wall. I guess I find it hard to shut up and not give my opinion when someone publicly announces something as irresponsible as " Did you know that Human rights are against the 10 Commandments?"

"uhmmm No!"

I pointed out to said person, on Facebook that maybe it's a good idea to first look at what Human rights are, before so quickly accepting what some kind of zealot so irresponsibly utters. Of Course she came back with a 100 contradictory "facts" based on conspiracy theories and dogma.

I attempted to still get my point across, respectfully, and be the bringer of an opposing Point of View. I did it Rationally and calmly and respectfully, and after a few of her Fanatical friends joined I could feel the word "satanist" hovering in the background of their thoughts.

It seems they all belong to a branch of the seventh day Adventist church which preaches Conspiracy theories as fact, and watch DVD's etc confirming it. No one questions anything or tries to find validation for anything, because the "church" said it's true then obviously it has to be truth.

The Church decides on it's "only" interpretation from the bible that could possibly make sense, then of course it Has to be the truth. ( sarcasm, for those who don't get it)

What happened to using your own head. Asking the hard questions, making up your own mind, and finding your own validation.

I guess it is a useless battle to fight. Most religious people I know are very well balanced, can think for themselves, and do ask the hard questions. I just don't know why I seem to all of a sudden be surrounded by those who are so Fanatical they would probably drink the cool-aid if the church said to do it.

I feel pain for those people. I feel pain because I know that their lives and their experiences are just as valid as mine, I feel pain because according to what I believe I was obviously also there a couple of lives ago, and I guess I recognise that pain.

The pain of needing someone to tell you what is right and what is wrong and be your light in the dark scary world, where all along, your light is inside yourself, and most of the Darkness created by yourself.

I wish there was anything I could say or do to let them know it's not so dark and evil outside, or inside. I also know that it is mostly futile, and so I am able to move on and not get bogged down in the frustration those kind of debates cause me.

Yay for spiritual evolution, and never having to go back and do that again. And hurray for being able to have a discussion about it, without being killed or jailed, and Viva Human Rights, for giving me freedom to choose.

I wish I could remove this person from my friends list, as she's really not a friend. Unfortunately she is the wife of my brother's best friend, someone I have publicly defended in the past, but obviously didn't know very well. I am always surprised at the extend to which someone like her, who really has everything, beauty, a husband who can provide so she doesn't have to work, financial security, 3 beautiful kids, can suffer so greatly from a lack of self esteem.

I've decided to hide her status though, so I don't have to feel the need to answer any of her zealous posts, and she doesn't feel the need to put my brother in the middle of our debates, which she obviously takes a lot more personally than I mean.

09 March 2010

Feeling Concerned and Powerless

I'm very concerned about Lanee. She sent me a letter in November, and she sounded sad but okay. Her son Michael passed away 11 October 2009. He was her companion and her twin essence, and I don't think she is handling things very well.

She visited with her other son in Tennessee for awhile, so I sent her a long letter, actually 2, as I take so long to send it I wrote another. I posted it to Tennessee in early Feb, I think, and now got another, very despondent letter from her, from NJ, where it doesn't seem she got my letter at all.

I have this knot in my stomach. Since receiving her letter in November ( one of the triggers for my spiritual re-awakening) I have been thinking of her constantly. For the first time in years I had this overwhelming urge to see her again, and this fear that she will be passing on soon as well.

She's 75, so by no means a spring chicken, and it sounds like she is so tired of this life. I can so identify with being tired with life, but I don't want her to go anywhere.

I might not see her, but just knowing she is in this world has been one thing that has saved me so many times.I want her to meet Arno and I want her to meet Caitlin. She can't go yet. There's so much I want to do with her. I sometimes hate this physical reality.

Wow It's been hot

Eish it's been seriously Hot in Cape Town the last few weeks, culminating in Yesterday where it was about 42C (108F)in the area I live and work. Luckily I have air conditioning at work, but nothing at home, of course, and I was very concerned for poor Cait the whole day.

How glorious this morning to see rain, and hear thunder. It's still a bit muggy inside, but outside it's cooling down lovely.

I'm feeling better. I had such an awesome weekend. We spent Saturday shopping, and then a good friend and her significant other (one of the few people Arno actually likes, and wants to spend time with) came over for a braai.

We had a fantastic time. There was drink and merriment. Kids had fun playing/annoying each other, and I got to let my hair down for a change.

How awesome to have friends with whom you know you can just be yourself. No reason to worry that you might offend them, as they do know you better than that.

Well I had a bit much to drink, and had a terrible hangover Sunday morning, but got over it quite quickly. Then we spent Sunday afternoon with family, around the pool, and just generally having a good time. Except for Arno.

I have no idea why he makes up his mind to NOT have a good time when it comes to spending time with my family. Sometimes I think, if only he'd just let his guard down a little, and allow the fun, he'd be so much better off. It's like he decides before hand everything will be crap.

Okay he wasn't keen to go in the first place, and usually I would just leave him, but this was someone's birthday and I thought it appropriate that he go. Well he refused to swim ( It was darn hot) He sat there grumpy and complaining, and even left halfway to go home and get Caitlin's hat ( we live around the corner) stayed away for about an hour, and then as soon as we finished eating insisted on leaving.

Caitlin was having a great time. My cousin's were there and her second cousin's are all ranging from age 3 to 6, and she was having so much fun. He tried to force her to get out of the pool and get dressed, with no persuasion at all, just force. This didn't work very well so eventually I told him to just go home, I'd get a ride with my dad.

I refused to allow his grumpy mood to affect my fantastic day, and I spent quality time with Caitlin in the pool. I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

If it was only like that occasionally or for a specific reason, I guess I could still bear it, but it is such a bad habit of his, and mostly I struggle to deal with it. How can I feel close to someone when they refuse to even try to pretend to have fun when I do? No wonder I am constantly feeling tired/stressed/drained. It's hard work to carry on and enjoy life when your partner insists on making everything gloomy.

So while I am happy and strong I don't let it affect me. But when I am not so happy and not so strong it affects me badly. I still don't see a solution.

05 March 2010

No Happily ever after

I'm struggling. Quite subtly. It's there though. Everything I've wanted in the past couple of months has come to me. I have been blessed beyond belief. Caitlin is in the school I wanted her to be,and she is quite happy there. My husband got a job ( albeit not perfect) and he also passed his learners License.

The company I work for has been struggling the last 2 years, but it seems business is picking up.

So why in HELL am I not happy, extatic and walking around with a stupid grin on my face.

Why am I bouncing between frustrated, angry, tired, and sad? This isn't normal is it? It's not right?

Yes I have exams looming for which I've not studied much,but I still have 2 months, and I am struggling to spend time on persuing my spiritual studies, but every day is a spiritual study in itself. I have been trying so hard to allow a flow in my life. To not hold on to issues, but there is one big issue I can't help but hold onto.

My Marriage.

It's never been happily ever after. We jumped into this commitment with everything, and it felt so right from the start. We've had our up's and downs, but usually a good fight could sort it out. I was always sure of our love, and our comradeship.

We've moved apart and moved closer again, it was always a wave.

For the last almost 4 years it's been pretty much one way though. There are so many factors involved, but every time I remind myself of them it seems like silly excuses. Something my husband is brilliant at. He always has at least 3 or 4 excuses ready for everything.

He takes every suggestion as a personal attack, and it has gotten to the point where I'm too scared to really even talk to him about anything that's bothering me.

We've moved apart, we're growing more and more apart everyday, and sometimes I wonder if our time is past.

I made a commitment to see this relationship through and do what I need to do in order to make it work. Is my constant sadness around it worth it though?

I can not picture my life, without him in it. I can not picture myself with any other man. I can picture it alone.

The last time I had a heart to heart with him around issues that upset me, and make me sad, I thought he was listening. I believed he understood, and I hoped he would try and put in a little bit of effort to help me to help us.

Nothing's changed. Or else I am already so switched off towards him I am not recognising the change.

I'm actually starting to consider that I might be the biggest problem in our relationship. I've built an emotional wall. I've withdrawn. I'm too serious, and I'm too hurt to try again. I'm too tired, and too frustrated.

We have the option of therapy now, but I couldn't even get myself to discuss this with him, because I'm too scared of his reaction.

He's a good man. He's a good father. He does a lot for me. Right now we're two friends sharing a house though. There's nothing at all more than a cordial relationship. No comradeship, no romance, nothing. Should I rather accept this as good enough and not want more?

I told a friend, last weekend that I still love him deeply. She asked me, does he still love me and I was kind of shocked when I realised I can't answer this with certainty. I just don't know.

01 March 2010

Crash Boom Bang

The sound of me hitting Low. I could not stay awake yesterday. Firstly I can never sleep soundly past 8 on a weekend morning. That's the time my 3 year old wakes up at the latest, and she never allows me to sleep later, so when I first dragged one eyelid from the other at 12pm on Sunday I knew something was wrong.

Physically it is impossible for me to sleep that deeply that long. I wrote it off to having a few drinks the night before, but I did not feel hungover in the slightest, I just felt physically drained. I still do.

I dragged myself to the couch downstairs, attempted to keep my eyes open, and failed miserably. 4 drinks don't do this to me. I spent most of the day in and out of naps on the couch. I attempted to force myself to get up and play with Caitlin but my neck could barely keep my head up. Luckily I seem to have a very patient, and forgiving husband, who kept Caitlin busy and also completed the household tasks.

Eventually he made dinner, we ate. I tried to force myself to bath Caitlin but I couldn't even walk up the stairs. I had to get her out of the bath and dress her, and it was excruciating. I almost fell asleep with her on her bed. Eventually I dragged myself out of there, forced myself to shower and pack her lunch, and fell on my own bed exhausted.

I read a bit and fell asleep at the normal bed time for me. I had a bad night though, tossing and turning. So by this morning I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

I even had a low blood pressure episode when I got up this morning, but managed to get everything done I had to. I feel slightly better than yesterday, but still physically drained.

Now in order for this to be a Bipolar kind of Low, that means I was coming down from up high.

Since last week Wednesday I have been very frustrated and angry, so was that a hypo manic episode? I've been googling symptoms, and irritability is one of them. I just thought it was my hormones.

Saturday I was doing a bit of the "life of the party" thing and I did have a little warning bell go off in my head, but I still thought, nah I'm fine. So I guess maybe it was. It would have to be for me to hit such a physical low, wouldn't it?

Mentally I'm okay, just tired. Thoughts dragging and not really willing to do much. Late Sat night I went out with a friend. The 4 drinks didn't affect me much, physically, but mentally I also started dragging, so maybe it was a combination of factors.

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, but it very rarely kicks me in a low by itself.

So now I'm just hoping it passes swiftly and I get to go back to a nice level normal.

26 February 2010

Allowing frustration

I'm really allowing too much frustration to creep in today. It might just be hormonal, or the start of another hypomanic episode. I've been doing so well for so long it's very frustrating in itself to now be frustrated.

Most of it seems to be around certain repeated issues I'm faced with in the last few days

1. People trying to force their point of view on others.

WTF is up with that? It comes in so many forms and feels like I am just absolutely surrounded with this right now. What happened to freedom to choose, freedom to express, freedom to just friggin be, and enjoy life, and be happy.

Why does it bother you if I choose to do XYZ. I'm not forcing you to do it, as only you now what's good for you. But Please don't try and convince me that your POV is the ONLY valid one.

2. People not taking responsibility for their own choices

I'm sorry if you choose to be negative and then wonder why your life is filled with dreariness, unhappiness and misery then stop blaming everything else. What is this lack of responsibility? If you made a mistake, then take responsibility for it, stop blaming the world, life, illness, fate, God!!! The DEVIL!!!

That's a good way to try and escape your responsibility. Blame it on the Devil and the Evil in the world.

I'm just getting so frustrated even writing about this maybe I should just stop. Hoping this is hormonal and I will find my inner peace again.

25 February 2010

Struggling a bit

I've been doing good. Doing real well in fact. No significant high's and low's. Just your normal day to day things. I'm struggling a bit with anger and frustration though. Mostly around one specific person, who I love very much, my dad.

He is so constantly negative, worried, obsessed. I sometimes feel like he can't bear to see me happy in any way, without having to burst my bubble.

I'm not sure how to deal with this, or if I should. I struggle with my feelings of anger and frustration around it, and I don't want to be angry and frustrated. Not now when things seem to be going well. I want to hold onto happiness. I don't want to be scared to be happy. I want to enjoy every moment and live in it.


24 February 2010

My Soul Mate Story: Part 2 Arno

When I was 16, I had a best friend. A true BFF. We where as close as only 2 high school girls from dysfunctional families could be.

The story of how I met Arno is also the story of my friendship with Benita. His sister.

I recently read some of the letters she wrote me at this stage of our lives, and it was so cloyingly, sickeningly sweet and soppy. Kind of hard for me to see myself as that na├»ve, innocent, co-dependant, teenage being. I’ve built so many walls in my life since then, had so many shattering experiences, it feels like a different person.

I always knew Benita had a brother, but I had never met him. She and I were in school together since grade 1 to 3, Then again in High school. We only got close again in High school, by that time Arno had already left school, and went to the Air force for his compulsory Basic training.

I went home with Benita to do homework one day, when he walked in the door. I stood in the passage, looked up and saw this being, surrounded by light. It was like a physical shock to my heart and gut. I instantly turned red, could barely look at him, and could barely speak.

I was struck dumb, and felt myself turning a fiery hot red. Benita still asked me if I was okay, and I mumbled something about probably coming down with a fever. She said “Yes, you don’t look well”

I had to get out of there as soon as possible, just to be able to breathe. After that first meeting Arno was around a lot when I spent time with Benita. We talked from time to time, mostly about music. Whenever I could force myself to control my voice, not stumble on words and actually make sense.

This continued on for a while. He was in my dreams, he was in my fantasies, and I was completely consumed by him every waking and sleeping moment. I thought it was just another annoying crush, which I would eventually get over.

Things took a turn for the worst when Benita ran away from home to live with her Boyfriend and his parents. Like I said, we where both from pretty dysfunctional families, and she tried to escape hers. She got pregnant at 16, and her parents forced her to get married, which she did.

At that time her mother and Arno frequently phoned me. I later found out that his mother pushed Arno into staying in contact with me, as she was hoping I would be a source of information regarding Benita, who she had pushed away, and broke all contact with. Arno later told me that I was so shy, and scared all the time, he never felt completely comfortable around me.

We even went on 2 dates. One to see an Australian band and one to see a movie. In both instances I was way too self conscious and shy to in any way be able to converse with this Godlike creature, who I could not believe would have the slightest interest in me.
Well by the Time I was in my last year of school I think it just got too much for me. The constant intensity of my self consciousness was too overwhelming.

We stayed in contact over the phone, where I had no problem to talk to him at all, and this was it. Benita and I had had a falling out at that stage, as her mother was using me to get to her, and Benita felt very threatened by her mothers overbearing controlling manipulations and obsessions.

We parted ways, which was very painful to me, and I spent many nights on the phone with Arno, crying about this. Both of us being able to share our saddest emotions around this tragedy.

After school I left Cape Town and went to Film school in Pretoria. My 2 years in Technicon was the start of a very intense growing up experience, filled with Self destruction, meeting my Twin Flame, and getting to know the real me.

I broke all contact with everyone from the past. I was not this shy, self concious, blushing child anymore. I found false bravado, false self esteem, and false value in many things.

A lot of first steps where taken, and I found it painful to look back at that child I had been.

From time to time, when I was home for the holidays I would phone Arno and Benita’s parents and find out how things where going with them, but I had no more contact with either of them. This was how I found out about Arno getting married, his parents kicking him out of the house, and disowning him for it. This was just a part of the pattern that they’ve been following throughout the time I’ve known them.

Lanee’s message

On the flight back from the USA I listened to Lanee’s message more than once, on the walkman I specifically bought for that purpose.

I was a bit disappointed about the time frame change, and I was even more sceptical now than ever before. How in the world would I ever get together with a man I firstly could not come near in all the time I knew him? He was married, I knew they had a baby, he never showed any interest in me, beyond friendship.

Where would he be? Do I really want this? I just came out of a very nice little relationship which caused me great pain in the end, so do I really want to form a stronger attachment. If Rob was a pre-view of Arno, did I really want the real thing?

I landed in South Africa mid July 1998. My time was filled with reuniting with family and friends. I even ran into an old comrade from Technicon, who wasn’t even supposed to be in CT. I told him all about Lanee, what she said, Arno, and how I am struggling to not pick up the phone and phone his parents even.

Another friend from Tech, visited with me and we spent a day at the V&A Waterfront looking at crystals and stones, as Lanee had given me a list of Crystals and what they could be used for.

After that weekend I just couldn’t wait anymore. It had been a month. I was dying inside. I had resolved my issues with Rob, I spent time reuniting with family, and I was alone again. I was alone, bored, frustrated. I was living in a house with younger souls again, and the day to day friction was driving me to despair again.

I so badly needed to hold onto the magic, light and hope that Lanee was in my life I decided to phone Arno and Benita’s parents and just find out where everyone was. It would make me feel slightly better, and more resigned if I could let it go and find some way to at least know.

The moment his mom heard it was me, she told me. Her and Arno where at the V&A Waterfront that Saturday and they saw me. They where trying to remember my name. They didn’t call to me or anything, but Arno wanted to, but felt bad not being able to remember my name.

They’d been trying to figure it out ever since. She told me he had been divorced, and told me the whole terrible story behind it.
Arno was working close to where I lived, and she took my phone nr to give to him. (Oops did I give it to her)

His, now, ex wife had cheated on him, which he only found out after they where divorced, and the baby was most probably not his. That’s the short version.

I spent over an hour on the phone with his mom listening to the whole sordid tale though.

Eventually we rang off. I just sat there, overwhelmed, kind of excited, a little bit scared, and decided Lanee was wrong. I was supposed to find him. How else could he find me? He was free from the commitments I though prevented us from being together “in the right and proper way” according to Lanee.

I needed him. I did not want to be alone inside my head anymore. I had a taste of what things could be like. I did not want to go back to my old life of lonely self destruction. I was ready. And then the phone rang again. I was still sitting there. It was him.

Arno phoned me. He had been trying to get through to his mom’s line for the hour that I was talking to her. He had remembered my name and wanted to phone her to tell her. He got my number from her.

That was the beginning of our Romance. He visited me the next day. A month later we where a couple, and we where ready to commit.

23 February 2010

Meeting my Soul Mate: Part 1 Two Soul mates and a Fragment

On the first evening I met Lanee, she channelled information for me. I still have the tape and listened to it again a few weeks ago.
It’s amazing how much information I missed at that first meeting, as there was just one thing I was really interested in.

Being 22 and in and out of meaningless, hard, non flowing semi-relationships, I wanted to know about relationships. I wanted to know who I was meant to spend my life with, if anyone.

I forgot how close I was to giving up at that stage. I was tired of this life, and I had lost hope. I did have comrades around me, but very little Soul Family, the few around me where younger souls, so I very much felt like an adult surrounded by children. I had earlier spent about 2 years with my Twin Essence, a very close connection, but one so intense; we could never be more than just platonic friends. Looking back I know the best for us, in this life time was to go our separate ways as we quite easily prevented each other from attaining the goals of this life. My decisions around our friendship caused one very obvious split in probabilities for me, and sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I followed the other path. But that’s a story for another day

Meeting Lanee was like an injection of magic and rejuvenation into my veins. As clearly as she had been waiting to meet me, I had known for so long, be it subconsciously, that I had to meet her. That night proved to be the start of everything I had been hoping for.

My relationship with her, on a spiritual level was quite clear and obvious, to her, but my own validation and realisation only came much later. We are both fragments of the same essence. I could identify with so much she had experienced, because I had been feeling the effects of her experiences in my dreams and subconscious. She knew me inside out from the very first meeting.

She had a couple of years on me, but in essence we where the same. That first night I asked her how old she was, and she said “How old do you think I am?” I said “36?” Turns out she was 63. She knew my most secret inner thoughts like they where her own, as they where in some respects.

In Spirit we where together. How interesting, magical and awesome to meet another human being who knew how you felt, why you felt it, and completely understood your inner struggles and desires as completely as another facet of yourself?

We also started mirroring experiences shortly after getting together. This, for me, in hindsight seems to be the biggest reason why we could not stay physically together for very long. What use in a Soul having more than one fragment if the fragments joined forces where they where supposed to have separate experiences. I could be wrong, have never really read much more on this.

Lanee and I were not mirror images, but we were more like different colours of the same dress, different petals on the same flower, and different expressions of the same essence.

Well in her first message to me she told me I had met 2 of my soul mates in this lifetime. The one I have a pre-life agreement with to share this life, and who I had spent many past lifetimes with, I had met when I was 16. We had shared energy at that time, and I had felt like I was “Not good enough for him” That was not the right time for us to be together in the right and proper way, so we had “lost touch”

I knew who she was taking about, but to my own frustration and disbelief I could not remember his name, and spent the rest of her message, thinking about this, rather than listening. Good thing it was on tape and I could listen to it again later.

While Lanee and I took a break in the middle of her message I got it in a flash. Anton. I blurted it out, and as I said it I knew it wasn’t right. It was almost right. It wasn’t completely right. Anton….Anton…hmmm

I also told her there is no way that we Can be together, because even though I had lost touch with him, I knew for a fact that he was married and he had a baby. I had much darkness in me at this stage, but I could not break up a marriage.

Lanee just told me to chill, and let it be. That night, at home I remembered his name. Arno. Not Anton.

Next time I saw her, I told Lanee. It was easily explained by her, but I only got my validation of her explanation much later, so I was still sceptical.

She said he’s been Anton in a recent past Life, actually one in which we where both male, stage performers in France. The place she thought I’d be coming from.

She told me quite a bit, which I will share with you, before sharing the validations. We had spent many lives together, but often we would not complete our relationship. There was mostly something that separated us, some taboo (The gay thing) or some other reason why we would be separated.

He had spent more lives as a female than I had, which meant, in this life, our roles would be very much balanced, and non traditional.

She told me she does not think he is still with his wife, and she does not think he has any spiritual connection to either her, or the baby. It was purely Karmic. I had trouble to accept or believe this.

She thought I would probably meet him within 2 weeks from getting back to South Africa, but I would meet someone before I went back, who is an old comrade of his from past lives, and will give me just a bit of a taste of how it would be, to find him. This Comrade will also help me clear Karma around my only other incarnated Soul Mate, let’s call him D, who I had met when I was 18, and still had very many unresolved issues around.

She also told me in no uncertain terms, these are probabilities, and that she could not set a time frame around anything, as time is quite challenging.


3 Weeks before I returned to South Africa I met Rob. Up to Rob I had not really truly had a relationship. My life was filled with flirtations, one night stands, and other self destructive relationships. Rob artfully picked me up in a bar; I artfully tried to ignore him, as I chose to not agree with Lanee’s “prediction” of a Comrade. How could I cheat on the Soul Mate I knew was out there?

I told Rob I only have 3 weeks left in the USA ,the last thing I needed was another attachment I would find hard to break, and I also wasn’t interested in a one night stand. In Hind site this was probably an attractive prospect for him, as we had no hope for anything other than just Fun. He didn’t give up.

Firstly Rob was very handsome, and I couldn’t honestly see why he would be interested in me at all. I decided to give it a shot and see what happened.

I got attached, my own fault really. We proceeded to spend every free moment together. I thought it really unfair that I would meet someone so close to going home, when I have just wanted to have someone to share my love with, for so long.

We had fun though. It was great. I had never really felt so comfortable to be myself, never experienced the kindness he had given me, and I very quickly introduced him to all my friends.

With a few days to go until I went home, we had a big party for all of them, and I was going to introduce him to Lanee as well.

While I had Arno, as my right and proper mate for this life time, Lanee had Jack. She had been together with Jack in the past in this lifetime, but they had been separated at that time, and she had no idea where he was. The same message I got about being reunited with Arno, Lanee also got about being reunited with Jack.

At about the same time I got involved with Rob, Lanee also met a fragment of Jack’s. For the first time in years she allowed herself this diversion, left the house, and had fun (the mirroring thing)

In any case, the night of the party one of my friends tried to seduce Rob, and almost succeeded. I was livid. With her, with him, with myself. Why could they not just wait the few days before I left?

This was my Karma though. Rob honestly told me after I had arrived in South Africa that he did sleep with my friend the moment I left the country. This hurt quite a bit. It was my Karma.

The other Soul Mate I talked about was also in a relationship when we met. Even though I always said that was not a rule I can break I did. I slept with a man who was in a relationship, and up to that point I could never forgive myself, even though his partner never found out, and it was a once off slip.

The pain of Rob and my friend’s “betrayal” was quite severe, and for the longest time it coloured quite a bit of my life.

I never realised how attached I had gotten, I also never realised that an emotion can become a taste in your mouth. A Thick cloying taste of sweet betrayal. Up to that point I had never realised what I had done in being with someone who was already attached, and this feeling, and the memory of it is one of the only things which later saved me from destroying my own marriage in the same way.

Back to Arno

Before I left the USA Lanee gave me one last tape. She said to listen to it on the aeroplane, and to not be upset. In that message she told me to not actively search for Arno. That her time line had changed and the 2 weeks had become between 3 months and 2 years.

I was very disappointed. I wasn’t sure if I could NOT look for him. He was supposed to find me, and I was supposed to have faith that he would, when the time was right. To be continued…..

18 February 2010

Inner Peace 3

Continuing from Inner peace 1 and 2 discussion on this poem by Saskia Davis

The thing about Inner Peace for me is how fleeting it can be at times. It's only helpful to me as a sanctuary to go to when growth is too hard.

In order to attain my goal of Growth in this lifetime, strive is inevitable. So my inner state, when peacefull does not always convert to my outward state of being. Even though growth is exhausting and sometimes agonising, it is what I am here for. This I am sure of.

If you want to find out more about what Your Goal is I recommend reading a bit on the 7 Goals disussed in the Michael Teachings, if that takes your fancy.

I know I keep coming back to the Michael teachings but it was one of the first pieces of information I found that so completely resonated with me, it has determined my course of Life ever since. I've been a terrible student, and I'm trying to improve on that, only so I can better understand and participate in discussions with those that know the terminology so well.

Anyhow I'll continue where I left off yesterday, and will try to sound a little less self righteous or arrogant ( one of my Chief Features) I hate that one, but I try to rise above it LOL @ Me

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature

Frequent attacks of smiling

I'm putting these 3 together as they are the ones most against my imprinted nature, and the ones that surprise me most when they happen.

My challenge is to feel this when I am NOT in a hypo manic episode. Because when I am, then they come to me easily. When I feel this while not manic it is peaceful, not energetic and overwhelming.

An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

Imagine me, Mrs Control freakishness herself, letting go in this way? Even years ago when Lanee assured me that Arno will find me, and I should let him find me I still could not let go, and acted where I should not have. ( I know I still owe you all that story and I hope to end of a serious week with that "fairytale".

So I find the harder I try to control my environment the less control I have over it. The harder I try and control the actions of others, be it my child, husband, or father ( who I all live with) The less they will do what I want.

The more I try and manipulate my choices to suit me, the less they turn out like I planned, and the more it becomes a question of "be careful what you wish for"

So I have learnt the very hard way to let it go. Let it be. To trust, to ope, to even wish, to project positivity, To count those Chickens before they hatch, but to allow them to hatch by themselves. To Accept, to process. To let it go.

Remember my Depression about the School that wouldn't accept my daughter? This one.

I still feel slightly scared when I think of how badly I was affected by the school saying they don't have space for Cait, after I spent so much time researching schools, visiting them, and then deciding on this one.

I even told myself it was fated that this would be the perfect school as it was the one I was scared to go to, because of ( I later discovered) unfounded rumours I had heard about the owner being terrible.

So it was the last school I saw, the most expensive one, and turned out to be the Best one for me, the most interested in Caitlin, and the closest to our house.

So because I had set my mind on it, made the difficult to really over extend myself financially to put her there, and was then turned down it was like a sucker punch to the gut when the Universe pulled the carpet out from under me.

For a time I thought there must be a meaning I am missing, what must I DO to fix this. I she meant to go elsewhere, but how can that be true if this one felt so right.

One morning after a ton of reading and philosophizing, I decided Screw this. I am sick of over thinking over analysing and worrying about this I can not control. I am leaving it. I am not seeing any more schools, I am not doing another Thing about it until something forces me to.

I forgot about it. I let it go. Then a week later I get a phone call to say they will have space for Caitlin starting 1 March. I couldn't believe it. I was overjoyed, and at the same time I was too scared to be happy. ( I have a pattern of this fear thing)

So I thought, WOW this letting go thing is quite interesting. Wouldn't it be interesting synchronicity if my Husband finds a job and starts the same time as Caitlin. By this time I had also decided to let go of my worries and issues around his job hunting. I was not picking out jobs for him to apply to. He's an adult he can d it himself. I was not pressuring him with ideas like waitering which he has a specific aversion to. I had just let it go.

It was quite interesting to feel that kind of peace. Quite new for me. Then he went for an interview on Monday, I even forgot about that until he dropped of Caitlin at the office.

Less than an hour later he was back. He got the job. He's starting 1 March.

I'm loving this letting go thing. It's the most awesome thing ever. Once again I have been too scared to get Too happy about the job. So I'm letting go once again. I just want to believe that everything will be fantastic and we are entering into the hope and excitement I always knew this year would bring.

An increased susceptibility to love extended by others and the uncontrollable urge to extend it

I have always been a very empathetic person. To a negative point where I would take on energy experienced by another, and have trouble to cleans myself.

Lately it's been a more softer feeling of Love, respect and appreciation for every other life form. I still get angry and frustrated at others at times, but mostly I remind myself of all the things I discuss here, and I'm less challenged.

Love really is important in this existence. Unconditional, pure, non physical, overwhelming, non commercialised. Not only the emotion, but the energy. Not only feeling it towards another, but feeling and accepting it from another too.

To me, Love, peace and happiness are very much synonymous.

17 February 2010

Inner Peace 2

Continued from Inner Peace 1 an on going discussion about the poem "Symptoms of Inner Peace" by Saskia Davis

Isn't it amazing, how life changes by just changing our Point of View. It's the 90/10 principle (by Stephen Covey), that has also done the rounds in emails for years. Usually when we're caught up in the day to day drama of physical existence it becomes hard to focus on anything other than the physical, the "reality" We may recognise truth, which is why the 90/10 principle and others still get passed on through email and forums. We spend a few minutes reading it, and we say " That is so true" Then we continue with whatever needs our attention right then and there, and we put it to the back of our minds.

It's human to do that. It's perfectly normal and it's perfectly understandable. It's also very valuable to take some time, every day if you can. every moment if you're lucky, or every once in a while and really think about these things, and bring it into our lives, as perspective, point of view, truth.

I guess that is what I am trying to do here, with this wonderful poem. So let me continue.

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

For me this connects to Judgement again. Interpreting in order to judge by whatever standards, be it yours, society, religion.

In South Africa, recently the newspapers have been filled with "comment and judgement" ( as is the job of the news media) of our president Jacob Zuma, and his cultural propensity to have many wives, and his human one to have many mistresses.

I could strangely not understand the hooha about it. To me, that was just his choice, his life, his lessons. Yes he's the president and bla bla bla, but really? To me, I couldn't care less. Did his actions affect me in any way? I have no energy on it.

There have been many examples of this in my life recently. I thought I must be getting ill. Have I become so self absorbed that nothing matters to me anymore? Then I read this poem and realised, this was just a symptom of the Journey I am right now, and was in fact a good thing.

Somewhere since starting to blog about my Childhood and my mother, I lost the need to explore it any further. I not only found forgiveness. I started realising that I got no satisfaction out of trying to interpret her actions.

That said. I believe The Michael Teachings played a very crucial roll in me realising this.

As soon as you recognise someone in their roll and overleaves, it does become clear what their motivations could be, and it has become part of me to recognise, that even those I love to the greatest degree, are not on the same path I am. They don't have the same goals, we're not even half way on the same page. No one is on a wrong page, and no one is on a right page. The pages are just different.

( I might sound a bit self righteous here. I am human I still do get frustrated by the different page thing, but less and less every day)

We all end up at the same destination, and eventually through many lives and existences we all experience the same issues in life, from different points of view. Everything is valid. What is right for you might not be right for me right now, or ever, but it does not mean it is not valid for you or wrong for you.

I find I need to remind myself about this less and less, as it has become a truth for me. I do have moments where someone else will remind me, and then again my point of view changes. I love it every time that happens. I love it if someone challenges what I say using my own words against me, because that is How I grow and understand and move forward.

A loss of interest in conflict.

There was a time where I craved Conflict in all it's forms. E-Wars where invigorating, adrenaline rushes. Using words to tear another person's arguments apart, and proving your superior intellect or reasoning abilities, where the fuel of my day. What a boost to the ego. What a way to feel superior and better than...

Then it changed slowly. When you start recognising the truths I discussed above. That every point of view is valid for whoever holds it, then what satisfaction can be found in forcing yours onto another.

So I feel no need, have no interest in conflict in that negative sense. I would rather avoid my mother, or while she rants about some thing I have done wrong, I will try and take a deep breath, stay calm and calmly state my position. She's not always open to receiving my position, but at times all I need is to state it calmly, give her time, and then miraculously she will come back to me later. Calmly, and discuss things sensibly.

Not all Conflict is bad. Sometimes conflict is a necessary part of human existence. Conflict is helpful when it comes from a positive part of your personality. When it is used to validate, or question. Conflict in that scenario is not painful, does not cause an adrenaline rush, is not negative, and is not hurtful to anyone.

It is respectful. I hope I have achieved the respectful, quiet discussion of opinions, being open to listen to the other point of view, and truly take it in, process it and try to understand it. I strive for this in my relationship with my Husband, because for all our "meant to be togetherness" we are so very different in many things we do, and many ways we think and process the world. So in fact we have vastly differing point of view on many things, and I have realised I can not, and do not want to use my "superior" reasoning abilities in order to force, coerce or control him into submitting to my own point of view on every question.

I have no interest in constant conflict with him, so I had to change my point of view, had to change my understanding of him. Had to recognise his validity, the validity of his choices, and trust in our ability to calmly, rationally and respectfully come to similar conclusions about Big important issues, and to be able to compromise with each other. My only other choise would be to withdraw, without bringing up any issues I might have. This leads to emotional distence which is much worse than a process of calm conflict and reasoning to atain a compromise, or to a point where you realise no compromise is possible.

For me it is better to respectfully and calmly inform someone of my point of view, without expecting it to influence theirs, than to withdraw from them emotionally, when you share a life with them. When there is constant conflict and strife and this is not the person you are sharing a life with, then what is the need for conflict? With no mutual respect of each other's different Point of view, and an ability to compromise and converse without conflict, why not withdraw? I've had to withdraw from friendships and relationships in the past for this very reason.

I think a couple of years ago I used to think compromise means my husband has to do what I wanted, and I would pretend to give him some slack. Now I have come to the realisation that my life is a product of past decisions and actions. How can I resent his lack of decision and action when I have conditioned him into believing that only mine is valid.

So time to take the difficult road and allow him to make his own decisions even though I do not agree with him. To allow him to make his own mistakes and to learn from this. To Give guidance or advice,on issues that concern us as a family, when I feel it is appropriate but to ensure I do this in a way which is respectful to him as a Spiritual being on his own Human path. Because even though we are together, and "meant to be together" we are still each on our own path.

Lanee told me years ago that we all grow at different paces. She used two of her friends as examples. The one learns and grows at an alarmingly fast rate, and like the hare in the story of the tortoise and the hare, he takes two steps forward and one step back. While her other friend learns and grows at a very slow pace, but like the tortoise she will also get to the finishing line. Her growth is more stable, and even though it is hard to notice from day to day, she rarely has to learn the same lessons twice.

I very much believe this is the way with my Husband and myself. I'm the Hare, and he's the tortoise. There's no winners in this race. We all reach the final destination at our own pace. As much as I am sometimes frustrated by his slower pace, I am just as frustrated with my own back pedaling.

A loss of the ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom)

Oh what a worry wart I have been? How easy to work oneself up into a lather over things you have no control over. For years and years I have struggled with this. "Water off a duck's back" "Can't worry about that which we have no control over" and all those things I knew where true but just could not apply to my day to day existence.

And then a couple of weeks ago I just started to give it up. Give it up to the Universe, a higher power, God. Whichever name you feel comfortable with. Give it up because it was making me sick. Give it up because all the worrying and all the stress it causes are sure to attract nothing less than more worries.

My dad, who I love immensely will find the most horrid things to worry about out of the most innocent circumstances. I don't want to be that. I don't even see or feel the need to worry about something that is troublesome. So my new anthem in this topic is a song by Simon Webbe called "No worries". I absolutely Love it.

I wish it was all as simple of saying now that I have achieved this I need do nothing more than just continue it, but doubt and worries always seem to crawl in again. So the challenge is to maintain my Inner peace, and grow further in the areas I find a need. Life is ever so much more interesting and exciting when you have a centre of peace to fall into when you need it.

To Be Continued again .....

I leave you in the Capable hand of Mr Webbe

16 February 2010

Inner Peace 1

A while ago this was posted on the Lightworker activation facebook page.
I love this poem by Saskia Davis, and it opened my eyes to a few things I had been experiencing, and wasn't quite sure if it was good or not.

The Symptoms Of Inner Peace by Saskia Davis

Be on the lookout for symptoms of Inner Peace. The hearts... of a great many have already been exposed to Inner Peace, and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom).
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others, as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

<<>> If you have some or all of the above symptoms - please be advised that your condition of Inner Peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at
your own risk.- Saskia Davis


I'd like to use this oppertunity to look at where I think I am, and where I still need to go.

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.

Now this is one I can honestly say I have not achieved yet. I do think I might be moving towards a place of acting out of my true positive self, but I still have many fears imprinted by past relationships and experiences. I sometimes think one of my biggest challenges in this lifetime is moving past fear.

I have a lot of trouble to make decisions as I have become even more fearful in later years. Recognising this, is probably a first step towards overcoming it. Right now I am trying to act from positive light, and to force myself beyond fear, and to even ignore it a bit. Make myself believe it is only that. Fear. With no reason and no logic behind it.

As you might have noticed Music resonates highly with me. Every now and again I get a reminder of why fear is not good when I listen to the song "Dolphin's cry" by Live

"Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time"

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

I have moments of these. Times where I feel light, no matter what chaos surrounds me. I suspect much of the chaos, probably all of it, is created by myself, in order to teach me to find the moments of enjoyment inside the eye of the storm.

Sometimes no Chaos is needed, and I can find enjoyment out of a moment of boring everyday existence. A moment where I look at my Husband, or a moment where I smell my daughters hair.

I would love to feel this continuously, but how do we appreciate moments of peace without moments of non-peace. I guess the secret for me is to find a moment where it is unexpected. It does not come naturally to me, to be happy. So when after a long period of trying to fight my own impulses, and my own inherent negativity, I find myself enjoying a moment in tranquil peace for absolutely no reason other than a spontaneous joy, it is even more precious than consciously sitting down to meditate and search for peace.

A loss of interest in judging other people.

I was most surprised by this symptom. I had been trying consciously to not do this for years, but there's always some part of judgement whenever you think of terms of wrong and right. I have been part of an online parenting forum, since my daughter was a few weeks old. The combination of parenting and the internet tends to bring out the most Judgement in people.

It's so easy to say your way is wrong, and my way is right. In almost every scenario there would be some person to judge by your own standards. By either their action or lack of action. It becomes second nature. Then inevitably, the next step is to judge oneself. That is usually a recipe for depression in my case. We're so much harder on ourselves than others. Well I know I am. So when I started feeling that I just had no desire to contribute to the parenting forum anymore, I realised it might have something to do with this. I just lost interest in the Judgement game. In either needing to judge someone else's actions, or for someone to judge mine.

When we need recognition, isn't that a request for judgement by another? Do we not ask that someone judge us to be right and good, and therefor we feel validated? Why do we need the judgement of another to validate us. I struggle to completely get rid of the need for validation, but for now I have no interest in judging another or being judged.

To be continued.....

10 February 2010

All Written out

I think Last weeks hectic posts took it out of me. I'm all written out for now. Playing around with a few ideas in my head that I might share at some point, but right now I might take it slow with writing this week.

I still need to put pen to paper and share the story of Lanee and Arno, but I don't really have the passion needed to give it justice, right now. So forgive me for being quiet this week.

Just coasting along with a feeling of inner peace and hope.

I still get frustrated by day to day niggles, but I think I am making good progress otherwise.

I guess it's not about attaining spiritual enlightenment. It's about staying right in that spiritual center. That's the hard part for me

Right now some of the things I struggle with is friendship, and how much one gives. I tend to go through periods where I will give all to one or two people, and then after a while I back off a bit.

When I was a teenager I had one best friend. We were like sisters. After a series of unfortunate events in her life we where not together any more, and I felt a bit discarded.

I don't feel that any more when I move into and out of relationships with friends, but that same person is in my life again.

I feel an overwhelming love for her, but I know we are very much not on the same page regarding many things. How much do I share? I can't share everything with her any more. There has to be a very set boundary, and sometimes I am tempted to overstep it, in order to experience, once again that childhood sisterhood.

It's not there though. She is very much religious and as you might have noted I am not. When we philosophize in general our belief systems seem so similar, but the moment specifics get discussed, she hits her head against terminology. Looking for differences, in what we believe, while I look for similarities.

So it's slightly sad, and very frustrating, but I don't think we'd ever be that close again. I can't be anyone other than myself, for anyone. She's my husband's sister, and as I am connected to him, I know I am connected to her. Unfortunately we're not even close to the same level, though, so maybe I should just see this as a lesson in boundaries.

It's unfortunate but I still have a lot of fears around sharing my spiritual philosophies with people. Sometimes it seems like their search for truth is similar to mine, and I hope to share something with them, which might make them see some other truth, and visa versa, but I've been through the experience of being branded a Satanist, and being incredibly misunderstood.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if people could just look into my heart and see what's there. We all have dark sides, but knowing your darkness, does not mean you thrive in it. I just don't deny it.

Anyhow I wasn't gonna make a big post now I did.

05 February 2010


In the spirit of the post I made today. Which was very hard for me, and brought up many feelings I did not want to feel again, I need to post another song.

Music resonates deeply with me. I've loved this song since I heard it while in theatre when Caitlin was born. It was the first time I ever heard it, even though it's probably much older than that.

I used to think this song is about Caitlin, but hearing it today after what I wrote, I now realise this is all about my Husband. That's why it feels like I could have written these words.

So for Arno ( Anton...inside joke to be explained next week ;) )

The Reason- by Hoobastank


I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

History of Depression: Part 2- Breakdown and Treatment

In General as a whole, and to my ability to remember, which is not great, my childhood was not bad.

I remember afternoons filled with exploration and games, of naughty stuff, of adventure, of fantasy and of Joy.

Things where not perfect at home but they where not as bad as some, and better than others.

Most of my Angst peaked during my teenage years, and continued from there. Sometimes I wish I could speak to that confused, self conscious and lost child.

After I was married, and after some stressful events, I had a huge fight with my husband one evening. I remember a lot of shouting, running outside sitting crying on the step. I don’t remember who phoned my mom and dad. It could have been me. It could have been my husband.

When they got there I was lying on the couch, in the dark, in tears. Having drank alcohol to just calm down, I was very much unresponsive, and uncommunicative. No one really knew what to do with me, as I didn’t know what to do with myself.

My mother told me this is the last straw; I would have to get help. I couldn’t go on like this. My inability to deal with my emotions, and this dangerous depression that had haunted me through out my life, was starting to steal me away. She cared. I think in many ways, even though she has her faults, my mother just didn’t know what to do with me most of my life. I know she tried her best, and I know she loves me.

My mother paid for me to see a psychologist. The Psychologist was so great and after two sessions told me she thinks I need to go to Psychiatrist for a diagnosis, and knowing I can’t afford it she recommended Tygerberg Hospital.

She organised a referral to Tygerberg Hospital Psychiatric department. I had to wait more than a month for the appointment, but the thing was I was taking an active step in trying to help myself. I continued seeing the psychologist while I waited for my appointment.

It wasn’t easy and it was incredibly scary. I bullied myself through it all, forcing myself to just ignore all my fears and phobias. By that time I was very much withdrawn, and unable to do simple things like going to the shop by myself.

Arno was very supportive, and I know my parents also tried to help me. I had recently resigned from a very stressful job, and was working as tutor for my aunt’s children in the afternoons, and even she was really supportive.

All the support and encouragement made me feel accountable to them, and also forced me to commit to getting help.

After tons of questionnaires, a 2 hour session with the psychiatrist, blood tests etc, I received my diagnosis. Severe Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Social Phobia

I was also given the option of continuing my psychological and psychiatric treatment through Tygerberg, which is a government teaching hospital and therefore much cheaper. I was put on 2 Anti Depressants, Tryptanol and Aropax.

I went back to my expensive Psychologist for my last session with her. One of the first things she told me was “How do you feel about your diagnosis?”

All I felt was relief and validation. There was a name for what I was experiencing, and there was a way forward.

I started treatment at Tygerberg. Had to go once a week, and the psychologists and Psychiatrist would rotate every 3 months (as they where students) so that brought its own challenges. But after a month I was asked if I would be interested in group therapy.

My initial reaction was, “no ways”. I was asked to try it once though, and immediately I was hooked.

Group therapy offered something that one on one could not. I got to basically connect with others in the same and worse position than me. I got the opportunity to be honest about my experiences, and what I felt, and had a commitment to these other people in the same boat as me, to be honest, as they where. And to give honest feedback on every issue talked about. I got to see my own issues and other’s from differing points of view. I also had much more consistency in treatment as the group, nor the therapists (3) in it, often changed.

After about a year I stopped my one on one sessions and just continued with group. After another while I had to go back to one on one, but was offered an opportunity to go into treatment with a slightly more senior psychologist who did not have to rotate every 3 months. The funny thing? She was in the children’s section, and in the exact same office I had gone to all those years ago as a child.

After about 2 years I stopped all therapy, continued with 6 month visits to the Psychiatrist and staid on Aropax. I was already of the Tryptanol at this stage, but got it occasionally in case I couldn’t sleep.

I was doing really well on the medication. I was happy, energetic. I was mostly on a Bipolar high. Hypo manic. I didn’t realise this neither did the psychiatrists. This was my fault though because as before I managed to easily manipulate the tests they gave me. I had set my mind on the diagnosis being the only one I wanted to work with. I had met many people struggling with Bipolar in group therapy, and I was Not going to be one of those. I made up my mind you see. So I never really talked about the edginess. That was written off as anxiety disorder, which came with depression, didn’t it? Ok I couldn’t quite figure out why mine where never really anxiety attacks. My social phobia also disappeared and the OCD was not really OCD as such. It only influenced my thoughts, and never my actions. And for 2 years it was quite okay. It was a huge change from the constant dark molasses of depression which held me down and weighed me down.

It was fun. I remember about a week after I started on the double dose of AD’s my brother asked me to go with him in his car one morning. We put the radio loud and I was Giggling, glowing, talking a 100 miles a minute. He asked me “Are you on drugs” and I said YES. I LOVE these anti-depressants.

At that stage of my life, being ready for a party 24/7 was okay. It was good. It was fun; I needed all the energy I had to deal with another stressful job, as well as marriage.

I loved it.

Then it turned dark.


I had 2 miscarriages. The first, I wasn’t aware that I was pregnant. I had no idea. I had a week away with my husband, visiting my party animal friend In July in Richards’s bay. I drank, I smoked, and I got stoned. I slept so much. I was constantly tired and constantly hungry, but I never once even considered the possibility that I might be pregnant.

My cycle was a mess, and I decided to make an appointment with a Gynaecologist. That’s when he told me, “You appear to be pregnant but there is no foetus”

Two weeks of hell on earth followed, where I went through every imaginable emotion, until eventually I was booked in for a D&C. There was no hope. This pregnancy was not meant to be, and I was stuck with all the feelings of Guilt about my conduct, which probably caused this.

I went to the psychiatrist after this, discussed it, and said all the right things. I refused to be one of those women who fell apart because of a miscarriage so I carried on.

December 2004 I found out I was pregnant again. This time it was planned and we where overjoyed. I was ecstatic, so was my husband, the whole family. I could only get an appointment with my gynae for 2 months later, but I didn’t mind too much. I knew nothing.

So on the day of my now Sister in Law’s kitchen tea, I drove myself to my mother’s house, for the surprise event. On the way I started getting cramps. I thought maybe my stomach was upset. I went to the bathroom at my mom’s house and there was blood.

I immediately burst into tears; no one else had arrived yet, so I quietly told my mom something is wrong I need to go to the doctor. I drove myself back home, sobbing all the way. When my surprised husband opened the front door, I told him I am loosing our baby.

The rest of it was even more dramatic than the first one, and involved my gynaecologist basically leaving me to bleed, at home for 3 days before managing to see me. (I never once thought of just going to the E.R.) At that time I had already spontaneously miscarried, and I was not in a good state.

For a while all was fine. I was sad. I was down, but after another consultation with my Psychiatrist (a diff one every time) I had decided, even 2 can’t get me down. I will not go back into therapy I could handle this.

Then I lost my mind

I was edgy. I was anxious. I needed a fix. I needed excitement. I was bored. I was tired of boredom. I had to Do SOMETHING. NOW.

I discovered a MSN Backgammon site on the internet (which has since been closed) this was a community of internet depravity. I discovered Cybersex; I discovered the godlike powers a woman has online. I discovered the dark side of the internet, and submersed myself into it.

I told my husband that I think we should have an open relationship, and I dragged him kicking and screaming into the mess with me.

At the same time I started taking Guitar lessons again, I joined a few bands/jamming sessions. I drank to excess. I was a Dark Angel of Party. I was permanently on some kind of adrenaline rush. I got argumentative, harsh, cruel, and wallowed in darkness.

This was not the darkness of depression. It was the centre of self destruction, which can be even darker than depression, and 20 times more dangerous. With depression I had the darkness, but no will to do anything, even to myself. With the despair I now had I had energy galore, and a will to push myself into area’s I had never explored before.

This episode of my life culminated in a severe fight with Arno, where I took a whole pack of Tryptanol, and when he phoned the ambulance I told him I didn’t take it, I was lying. Luckily he didn’t listen to me.

The night in hospital was a nightmare. It was worse to tell my parents the next day, as I was working for my dad, and had to take the day off.

I was embarrassed. It was a wake up call though. I had to take a step back and look at my self destruction and stop it.

It took a long time for me to work through what the issues where. I didn’t go back into therapy, but I did discuss it with my psychiatrist, still avoiding the “manic” factors, as I just didn’t recognise it yet.

Later in 2005 I was pregnant again. It was a tough pregnancy and filled with fear of loosing my baby, but she was safely delivered 24 July 2006.

She was enough reason for me to find healthy ways to deal with my feelings.
The last few years I’ve spent figuring out how to deal with them in a healthy way. I’m still in that journey. There’s no quick fix. I did go off the Aropax, 2 days after I came home with Caitlin.

I went through what I recon was probably PND. I had some lows that I managed to work through with the help of a lot of friends.

Last year I even contemplated going into therapy again. This is still an option. But since I read up on Bipolar II, and realised I am a fit, even up to the usual wrongful diagnoses of depression and anxiety disorder with OCD, I discovered more tools to ease my way ,tools to better help me understand my “chemical romance” with my body.

I guess there is a lot I glossed over, but this is about how much I want to immerse myself in that darkness. I’ve moved on. I move on every day. I’m sure I will get back to some things from time to time.

Update - 01/02/2011

I've decided to leave this post unedited. It is very painful to re-read as I am a very different person now from what I was then. This happened though, and these were my thoughts about it last year when I typed this out.

I've now come to different realisations which I will share soon enough. Especially the big one. I am not bipolar or depressed. Not really. I allow myself those as an escape from responsibility. This applies to me, Myself. There are many people who do experience these horrible conditions and will need therapy and medication for the rest of their lives.

For me it was a necessary learning phase. Something I had to experience and get through. I'm over it now