15 November 2013


I'm not so good with secrets. I had been hiding my return to smoking from my daughter, and it has been eating me up. The constant sneaking behind her back, and also the idea that she might catch me at it, and what that would do to her.

So I decided to talk to her about it, and try to explain it in a more open way. I want to have an open dialogue with her, and in order to achieve that I need to become vulnerable to that too.

She wasn't very happy. She didn't speak to me all the way from school to home, after I told her in the car. And when we got home, later on she told me she wanted to say I am not the best mom in the world anymore. That kind of hurt, but I know it is her 7 year old way of expressing her disappointment in me.

I feel guilty, but kind of relieved that I came clean. I am scared of her ever starting, and I am trying to explain to her how addictive it is, and that it is very hard to quit, and stay away from it when you start, so it is never a good idea to start in the first place.

I wish I didn't have to smoke. I wish it didn't make my depression feel better, and I wish I could stop again. But knowing what I do now, I don't know if I can. I originally stopped for her, so it is a hard blow in that respect, but I am a more patient mother now, and with her going through a lot of stress with school, ADD, and anxiety, I need to be patient now.

06 November 2013

So concerned

I'm feeling so concerned. DH is sitting with,what looks to be major depression coming on, and I feel so powerless to help him.

This is not a place where I would like to discuss his issues, but it is complicated and he needs urgent help.
We can only afford that early next year, but in the mean time I really think I should go to our GP, and see if she would put him on some anti depressants.

It's such a powerless feeling to see someone you love go through something like this. I am constantly worrying about him, and I just want to act in some way to make it better. I know better than most what it means to get sucked into that deep dark hole of depression, and to not have any way of getting out of it.

When it seems there is no room to breathe or move, and you are paralyzed by the depression demon. I think he has been so strong for me for so long, that now when things are going better with me, he has finally allowed himself to feel his own pain.

Now it is my turn to be strong for him, and to find ways of helping him.

I'm getting that internal itch again, which I don't want to give space to grow. If it grows it usually turns into a Manic period, and right now I don't think I am equipped to deal with one of those anymore.

Happy things are happening as well, so I try and focus on that. I just feel this need to do so much, and the ability to do none of it, which creates this imbalance, which leads to those feelings.

Generally I am still doing well. Other than the issues my poor DH is having, my daughter seems to also be going through a rough time.

I think a lot of it has to do with school. She's had 2 obviously depressive episodes in 2 days. Where the tiniest thing has made her extremely sad, and clingy, crying for almost nothing. Where I can see all I need to do is just be there for her.

I need to also talk to my GP about taking her off the Concerta during the December holidays, and seeing if we can go without it until I get her to a psychiatrist as well.

For 3 messed up individuals, we have a good family though. We love each other, and I think because of our issues we have compassion towards each other. This is our saving grace, and keeps us going.

04 November 2013


I haven't written in a long time. Mostly because I have been avoiding some issues and I have tried to deal with other issues, in different ways.

Things still seem better still I have been providing my brain with nicotine, and it has definitely helped my anxiety issues.

I've been spending a lot of time on studying. I signed up for a couple of course on Coursera. Think Again: How to reason and argue, and Introduction to Philosophy. They are running concurrently right now, so I am neglecting the philosophy one, but I am enjoying having something constructive to do to alleviate my boredom.

I'm currently having some issues with my daughters teacher at school, that have been upsetting to me.

She doesn't seem to be very supportive of her, and have also done some things that are totally unacceptable to me.

A while back my daughter had a conversation with a friend at home about where plants came from, and it touched on evolution. She then had a similar conversation at school and the teacher told her she's not allowed to talk about it. Which I Do Not understand as evolution is in the curriculum, and they are eventually going to study it in science.

I ignored it though, because the year is almost done and I wanted to rather keep the peace.

Then 2 days before Halloween, the teacher had a discussion in class, and according to my daughter she said that Halloween was the devil's birthday. I was so upset I sent her an angry email the moment I found out.
She denied it, but my daughter said she was lying, and I can't imagine that she would just make that up. We have never even discussed the existence of the devil.

Then last night my daughter told me that the teacher regularly threatens kids in the class, with sending them to the principal, where they will be spanked. Spanking in schools are against the law, so this will never happen, and I have a huge problem with controlling kids with fear.

I was quite upset to hear this, but haven't said anything to the teacher. I did tell my daughter that no one is allowed to spank her EVER. Which seemed to make her feel a bit better. I'm just so sad that she's had such a crappy year in Grade one.

I'm now starting to doubt everything this woman has had to say about my child. I really feel that some of my daughter's performance issues can be attributed to this woman's attitude towards her.

I also believe she has a huge problem with our Secular Humanism, and non religion, and me being quite adamant about it.

I'm just hoping next year will be better, as my poor child is already showing signs of anxiety, and does not enjoy school at all. I'm sure this can change if she is in the right class, with a decent teacher.