29 January 2014

Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is being a parent.

Trying to do the right thing. Figuring out between all the literature and research, and parenting fads, the one thing that will, not only work, but will make things bearable and easy.

Generally my daughter is a really GOOD child. She is happy and loving. I've also noticed a huge difference in her behaviour, and functioning since she has been on Concerta. It really works for her. When we forget to give her the meds, things go upside down, she's not able to concentrate or focus. She's all over the place, and her attention is all over the place. SHe just functions much better on the meds.

I have been concerned however. She's had a few intense episodes of sadness, and a few hectic episodes of anger. The other night she got so angry at her dad that she hit herself on her leg and it was red and a little swollen for ages. She felt so bad about it too, and was crying, asking me to please not tell anyone that she had done it.

I feel so sorry for her, because part of my bipolar symptoms were intense episodes of rage. I know how horrible it is, and I always turned it on myself. Since I've been in treatment my anger and frustration presents more as anxiety than anything else.

She has also been anxious. She tells me that sometimes she gets so scared for things that really aren't scary.

So I am concerned. I don't think children should really be diagnosed with Bipolar disorder before they are in their teens. Unless it is a really obvious case. I'm taking her to a psychiatrist now.

We've had some inconsistent behaviour on the medication too, and that might be because she is on about half the dosage for her age. But I know it still makes a significant difference.

It seems like this year she is suddenly struggling with homework, not wanting to do it because it feels too much for her. So I am also evaluating her extra mural activities, to see if that has an impact. She loves art, and enjoys swimming, but school work has to come first, or does it?

As an only child the activities also gives her opportunity to be social, instead of just sitting at home alone.

It's so hard to figure out the right thing to do. I know that before she was diagnosed with ADHD I said I wouldn't give her meds, but it has helped so much. However if she does get tagged as Bipolar I am not doing the meds. I'll rather do therapy and see if that helps.

This is all playing up my own anxiety, and I do struggle some days to cope with that. I've not taken more of the attivan, because if I get used to that I'll need it every day.

I'm just gonna try and do my best to get through this, and hope that something clicks somewhere, and we find a golden way out of this. I also need to take some deep breaths when things get challenging, and try not to let anxiety get the better of me, because that has a negative effect on her.

20 January 2014

Long time no post...

I know it's been a long time since I posted. Which generally indicates that I'm feeling okay so no need to vent.

I have become more and more aware of my anxiety issues, and triggers and trying to manage those. Shopping is a HUGE one. I have found myself being okay with general anxiety and managing it unhealthily with smoking. Specific triggers like shopping, and news reports about children being harmed, and bad things happening to people, are harder to manage though.

I try to not read the newspaper, and stay away from triggers, but my dad seems to like reading me the worst stories from the news paper, even though I ask him not to do it. These things stay with me and fester. I start imagining worst case scenario's and everything that can go wrong with my daughter and husband.

I struggle to let it go and work myself into a frenzy. Luckily I have only had to take my Ativan twice in the last 3 months, and I see that as an achievement. It doesn't help much to calm my brain, but relaxes my body, especially when I have actual physical shock reactions to these triggers.

Otherwise things have been okay. Depression is on the back burner, and I generally have more energy. I still need to nap in the afternoons, which I blame on my medication, but I'm succeeding in being as productive as possible in the mornings.

A new school year started for my daughter and I decided to be pro active and write a letter to the school regarding the Bible study issues we had last year, in order for them to make alternative arrangements for her from the get go. So far so good. I'm still waiting for feedback.

I'm very positive about the new teacher though, and hope this year will be more successful than last year. Unfortunately daughter is already having trouble finishing work, which has only been colouring work so far, and I am a bit scared of when the work gets even more. Apparently 2nd grade is a lot more intense that 1st grade, and I think she actually needs to learn some time management skills, but I don't really know where to go for those. Our budget is also very restricted. I'll talk to the teacher about this though, and we'll see what can be arranged at the school.

I'm also gonna keep a close eye on her energy levels seeing as she has quite a few extra mural activities. But I am willing to cut them if needed.

I hope we all have a good 2014.including you all.

15 November 2013


I'm not so good with secrets. I had been hiding my return to smoking from my daughter, and it has been eating me up. The constant sneaking behind her back, and also the idea that she might catch me at it, and what that would do to her.

So I decided to talk to her about it, and try to explain it in a more open way. I want to have an open dialogue with her, and in order to achieve that I need to become vulnerable to that too.

She wasn't very happy. She didn't speak to me all the way from school to home, after I told her in the car. And when we got home, later on she told me she wanted to say I am not the best mom in the world anymore. That kind of hurt, but I know it is her 7 year old way of expressing her disappointment in me.

I feel guilty, but kind of relieved that I came clean. I am scared of her ever starting, and I am trying to explain to her how addictive it is, and that it is very hard to quit, and stay away from it when you start, so it is never a good idea to start in the first place.

I wish I didn't have to smoke. I wish it didn't make my depression feel better, and I wish I could stop again. But knowing what I do now, I don't know if I can. I originally stopped for her, so it is a hard blow in that respect, but I am a more patient mother now, and with her going through a lot of stress with school, ADD, and anxiety, I need to be patient now.