26 January 2010


Not even sure how to spell the friggin word, but it's such a good friend of mine.
So I'm spending money I don't really have on typing this, by connecting from home on a 3G connection that I never even use.

But Today was not a good day, and I am struggling to process it and not go into a depression, so I need to wallow in self pity until I get so sick of myself I force a new mood.

I think I've been doing well the last while in keeping control of any kind of depression, but today I hit a really low low. It might sound silly and to go into full detail will take up more bandwidth than I could possibly afford right now.

My husband has been jobless for almost 2 years. He has been looking, but he has been incredibly fussy. He's been for many many interviews, and no success yet. It's been extremely tough, and I am partly to blame for the situation we are in now. I'm working in his old position ( long story) and he is taking care of our daughter.

The problem comes in with him in a goal of acceptance ( submission) and her playing around with Dominance.

You can imagine a 3 year old, who is in the mids of testing boundaries, who constantly gets told No, only to get what she wants when she acts out enough.

She's also a prime manipulator, and probably confuses the heck out of daddy.

I know he tries his best. He tries to keep all his anger in check because I think it scares him. Unfortunately this means he's probably always on the brink of an explostion. So things are not ideal with them at home.

My daughter is learning behaviours I don't like, and unfortunately the little time I have with her is not enough to negate it.

SO I've been looking for a school. She's 3 and a half so I know she'll be much better of in an environment where she can practice her social skills and be fully stimulated according to her needs. So last week we visited 5 school. This was 5 out of about 12 I contacted, the rest all being full.

Only 2 of the schools are really suitable, and one does not have space for her. The other is the most amazing school I had ever seen.

So I was honest with the owner, who came across as very caring, interested in Caitlin and our situation, and very willing to help in any way she can.

I told her honestly I love your school. I really like you, being so interested, but we'll have to sit and make a decision as you are the most expensive school. But I would love to send my daughter here.

She gave me the application and asked me to let her know within a week, as she is just about full.

So today when I filled in the application and phoned to get the fax number she tells me, unfortunately the school is now full.

I was just starting to see some hope. Some little glimmer of light in my, and my child's future. And there it was all taken away from me within 2 seconds.

I cried. I actually cried, and I very rarely cry. The big weight that was lifted, by finding this really awesome school, was put right back on my shoulders, and I truly don't know how to deal with it.

I'm still shattered. It feels like I am constantly swimming against the stream, and every time I reach an island and think I can relax for a bit, the island turns out to be a crocodile.

I'm tired. I'm sick of constant worrying, and trying to figure out solutions. I'm exhausted from this constant feeling of one step forward two steps back. I'm tired of feeling on top of the world one moment and being down in the dumps the next.

Here I am trying to work on Choosing, and thought I had made at least one choice I am happy with, and it gets snatched out of my hands.

So this is why, even though i can't really afford 3G, I just had to get this of my chest, before it explodes. I don't think any of the people around me really know how badly this has affected me, because to them there will always be other schools.

To me this was a breakthrough, because for the first time since I started looking for a school, since Caitlin was 18 months old, I could go with my FIRST CHOICE!!!! No second choice for me. Only the BEST for my baby.

But alas, I apparently don't deserve to give her the best.

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