19 March 2010

Feeling like such a baby

I've gone from feeling like an excited puppy dog this morning to feeling like a big self pitying baby this afternoon.

Most of my thought processes are still consumed with the religion thing. I've been making some headway in discovering what my big friggin problem is.

1. I feel lonely. I don't personally know many people, who are currently in my life, with the same or even similar beliefs. I belong to online communities ( where I'm really too new to fit in) I have friends who have different beliefs but never give me a hard time about mine. Then I have friends who have different beliefs with who I don't even need to go into the beliefs thing.

2. I'm scared of rejection. I guess this is a very human thing. Very normal. We all want to belong. We want to be accepted for who we are. We need to be appreciated, and be allowed to express ourselves without judgment by those who we care about.

I'm scared that the more I am myself the more I open myself to rejection. When I hide that part of myself, which is my spiritual beliefs I am hiding a big reason for the light inside of me. So I am hiding a big part of who I really am.

I don't want to hide it, in order to make others feel more comfortable. I don't want to hide it for fear of being judged and rejected. So obviously my only option is to get used to the rejection or the judgment.

I've also decided I need to spend more time finding like minded individuals. Not just online, but also in RL.

What's hard for me is I'm not hardcore anything. I'm not Hard Core New Age, or pagan, or whatever else there is. I'm not extremely into crystal healing, or herbal remedies, or aliens, or psychics, or Tarots or "The Secret" or whatever all. I find little bits and pieces in everything which resonates with me, and those I hold onto.

I even have little bits and pieces out of Christianity, that resonates with me, and which I hold onto. I'm not a Christian though. If I had to write that on my Facebook status, I wonder how many "concerned" phone calls I would get.

I wonder how many descussions I would have to have where it feels like I am hitting my head against the wall.

I wonder who would say anything to my face, and which ones would rather just whisper behind my back.

I don't need this to bother me, I should not allow it to affect me, but in the interest of being completely honest with myself, and you...the 2 people reading this. I have to admit. It does bother me. Why? Because I am tired of feeling alone.

I am tired of feeling alone and not very well understood. I am tired of not being part of something bigger than myself, and not feeling accepted. I need to feel some Love. Acceptance.

I know I am not always right, but I am on my own path. There is nothing I read or hear, which I accept as truth. It either resonates with me, and after thinking and reading more about it I would decide it doesn't, or it does.

Well this was my attempt at sorting out the crap in my head. I might decide to just delete this tomorrow....just kidding

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