I'm struggling. Quite subtly. It's there though. Everything I've wanted in the past couple of months has come to me. I have been blessed beyond belief. Caitlin is in the school I wanted her to be,and she is quite happy there. My husband got a job ( albeit not perfect) and he also passed his learners License.
The company I work for has been struggling the last 2 years, but it seems business is picking up.
So why in HELL am I not happy, extatic and walking around with a stupid grin on my face.
Why am I bouncing between frustrated, angry, tired, and sad? This isn't normal is it? It's not right?
Yes I have exams looming for which I've not studied much,but I still have 2 months, and I am struggling to spend time on persuing my spiritual studies, but every day is a spiritual study in itself. I have been trying so hard to allow a flow in my life. To not hold on to issues, but there is one big issue I can't help but hold onto.
It's never been happily ever after. We jumped into this commitment with everything, and it felt so right from the start. We've had our up's and downs, but usually a good fight could sort it out. I was always sure of our love, and our comradeship.
We've moved apart and moved closer again, it was always a wave.
For the last almost 4 years it's been pretty much one way though. There are so many factors involved, but every time I remind myself of them it seems like silly excuses. Something my husband is brilliant at. He always has at least 3 or 4 excuses ready for everything.
He takes every suggestion as a personal attack, and it has gotten to the point where I'm too scared to really even talk to him about anything that's bothering me.
We've moved apart, we're growing more and more apart everyday, and sometimes I wonder if our time is past.
I made a commitment to see this relationship through and do what I need to do in order to make it work. Is my constant sadness around it worth it though?
I can not picture my life, without him in it. I can not picture myself with any other man. I can picture it alone.
The last time I had a heart to heart with him around issues that upset me, and make me sad, I thought he was listening. I believed he understood, and I hoped he would try and put in a little bit of effort to help me to help us.
Nothing's changed. Or else I am already so switched off towards him I am not recognising the change.
I'm actually starting to consider that I might be the biggest problem in our relationship. I've built an emotional wall. I've withdrawn. I'm too serious, and I'm too hurt to try again. I'm too tired, and too frustrated.
We have the option of therapy now, but I couldn't even get myself to discuss this with him, because I'm too scared of his reaction.
He's a good man. He's a good father. He does a lot for me. Right now we're two friends sharing a house though. There's nothing at all more than a cordial relationship. No comradeship, no romance, nothing. Should I rather accept this as good enough and not want more?
I told a friend, last weekend that I still love him deeply. She asked me, does he still love me and I was kind of shocked when I realised I can't answer this with certainty. I just don't know.