06 April 2010

The Question

The whole purpose of this blog in the first place was to discover and explore my own psyche. To figure out and track for myself if I am bipolar. Along the lines it has moved me into a place of deeper exploration of spiritual, emotional, physical and psychological issues that I had put on hold, so to speak.

The last couple of months have been a journey like no other. I am at the age of the 4th Internal Monad. If I am half way through, already through or still in the starting stages, I find hard to figure out, but for a while I felt like I might be finishing this one. I will do some more reading on that as soon as I get the time and inclination

For now I am thinking in more practical terms. I have been playing with the idea that maybe I am not Bipolar. I've been experiencing very long periods of relative normalcy. Periods of balance. I have been able to cope with what life throws my way and in no way felt like I was experiencing any emotions that where not transitory or out of my control.

I'm going through a slight bit of a low today though, and immediately the question comes up again. How chemical is it? How much is it a spiritual thing, emotional or physical?

My understanding of mental illness is that it is a physical thing. Something you do not have control of.

My questions are these. If One is Physically bipolar, IOW the brain chemicals are a bit screwy and can't quite regulate themselves. How possible is it to overcome this through spiritual growth? Is it that I might "have been" Chemically imbalanced, but through spiritual exploration and a true delving into issues that I have kind of ignored forever I am able to "cure" this physical ailment? Or at least learning to cope with it?

Or is it that my spiritual and emotional imbalances where what was manifesting into a physical ailment, which I don't really have.

How much does mind over matter work? Going both ways?
I know that everything in the mind will manifest in the body, and this is why it is so important to be aware of what happens in the mind.

So I guess in the end all is choice. Do I choose to believe the one or to believe the other, because that which I believe becomes my truth.

I will choose to believe that no matter what it is, either or, that I am beating it. I am moving through and past it. It's a thorny bush that has shown up in my garden a few times, but I am untangling myself from it, and choosing to stay on the path ways, and move ahead without any more snagging.

So even though today, right now I feel quite tired, lifeless, and depressed. I make the conscious decision to only stay here for a little while. I am allowing myself a little bit of wallow, and then tomorrow or even later today I will find that Joy again, and all will be well.

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