06 September 2013

Failing the mom test

I read this yesterday and felt so shitty. I've been going down hill with patience. It's like the moment I try to bring more structure into our house, which Caitlin needs. Then I get more authoritarian. Like a drill sergeant. I'm struggling to still impliment the positive parenting things with structure. I know the two are not incompatible. but aparently I am. Or the way I think about them are.

I'm trying to be more loving in our moments of Insanity, but GAWD DAMN Things escalate so quickly, and she is SOOO emotional lately. Some days I swear it's the meds and I am taking her off it, but other days she's fine again.

I'm just really struggling with my moods. Seriously, I have my own bipolar issues as well and some times it just feels like I can't say or do the right thing to save my life.

I'm having a shitty mom morning cause she was exactly 40 min late for school this morning, because I tried to fix an area I had been inconsistent in, and she froze. She freezes very well. She's got it down to an art form. If she doesn't want to do something there is no way in hell you're gonna get her to do it.

But this morning I tried to stay calm and loving and kept reminding her about things she does well in, areas she is good at. But zip, nada. And inside of me I just want to FREAK OUT. But I don't. I'm scared of the times I do though

I'm probably not making much sense, but it upsets me so much to even consider that my inability to control my moods, will affect her negatively. I really struggle at times. This was a particularly bad week

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