15 November 2013


I'm not so good with secrets. I had been hiding my return to smoking from my daughter, and it has been eating me up. The constant sneaking behind her back, and also the idea that she might catch me at it, and what that would do to her.

So I decided to talk to her about it, and try to explain it in a more open way. I want to have an open dialogue with her, and in order to achieve that I need to become vulnerable to that too.

She wasn't very happy. She didn't speak to me all the way from school to home, after I told her in the car. And when we got home, later on she told me she wanted to say I am not the best mom in the world anymore. That kind of hurt, but I know it is her 7 year old way of expressing her disappointment in me.

I feel guilty, but kind of relieved that I came clean. I am scared of her ever starting, and I am trying to explain to her how addictive it is, and that it is very hard to quit, and stay away from it when you start, so it is never a good idea to start in the first place.

I wish I didn't have to smoke. I wish it didn't make my depression feel better, and I wish I could stop again. But knowing what I do now, I don't know if I can. I originally stopped for her, so it is a hard blow in that respect, but I am a more patient mother now, and with her going through a lot of stress with school, ADD, and anxiety, I need to be patient now.

06 November 2013

So concerned

I'm feeling so concerned. DH is sitting with,what looks to be major depression coming on, and I feel so powerless to help him.

This is not a place where I would like to discuss his issues, but it is complicated and he needs urgent help.
We can only afford that early next year, but in the mean time I really think I should go to our GP, and see if she would put him on some anti depressants.

It's such a powerless feeling to see someone you love go through something like this. I am constantly worrying about him, and I just want to act in some way to make it better. I know better than most what it means to get sucked into that deep dark hole of depression, and to not have any way of getting out of it.

When it seems there is no room to breathe or move, and you are paralyzed by the depression demon. I think he has been so strong for me for so long, that now when things are going better with me, he has finally allowed himself to feel his own pain.

Now it is my turn to be strong for him, and to find ways of helping him.

I'm getting that internal itch again, which I don't want to give space to grow. If it grows it usually turns into a Manic period, and right now I don't think I am equipped to deal with one of those anymore.

Happy things are happening as well, so I try and focus on that. I just feel this need to do so much, and the ability to do none of it, which creates this imbalance, which leads to those feelings.

Generally I am still doing well. Other than the issues my poor DH is having, my daughter seems to also be going through a rough time.

I think a lot of it has to do with school. She's had 2 obviously depressive episodes in 2 days. Where the tiniest thing has made her extremely sad, and clingy, crying for almost nothing. Where I can see all I need to do is just be there for her.

I need to also talk to my GP about taking her off the Concerta during the December holidays, and seeing if we can go without it until I get her to a psychiatrist as well.

For 3 messed up individuals, we have a good family though. We love each other, and I think because of our issues we have compassion towards each other. This is our saving grace, and keeps us going.

04 November 2013


I haven't written in a long time. Mostly because I have been avoiding some issues and I have tried to deal with other issues, in different ways.

Things still seem better still I have been providing my brain with nicotine, and it has definitely helped my anxiety issues.

I've been spending a lot of time on studying. I signed up for a couple of course on Coursera. Think Again: How to reason and argue, and Introduction to Philosophy. They are running concurrently right now, so I am neglecting the philosophy one, but I am enjoying having something constructive to do to alleviate my boredom.

I'm currently having some issues with my daughters teacher at school, that have been upsetting to me.

She doesn't seem to be very supportive of her, and have also done some things that are totally unacceptable to me.

A while back my daughter had a conversation with a friend at home about where plants came from, and it touched on evolution. She then had a similar conversation at school and the teacher told her she's not allowed to talk about it. Which I Do Not understand as evolution is in the curriculum, and they are eventually going to study it in science.

I ignored it though, because the year is almost done and I wanted to rather keep the peace.

Then 2 days before Halloween, the teacher had a discussion in class, and according to my daughter she said that Halloween was the devil's birthday. I was so upset I sent her an angry email the moment I found out.
She denied it, but my daughter said she was lying, and I can't imagine that she would just make that up. We have never even discussed the existence of the devil.

Then last night my daughter told me that the teacher regularly threatens kids in the class, with sending them to the principal, where they will be spanked. Spanking in schools are against the law, so this will never happen, and I have a huge problem with controlling kids with fear.

I was quite upset to hear this, but haven't said anything to the teacher. I did tell my daughter that no one is allowed to spank her EVER. Which seemed to make her feel a bit better. I'm just so sad that she's had such a crappy year in Grade one.

I'm now starting to doubt everything this woman has had to say about my child. I really feel that some of my daughter's performance issues can be attributed to this woman's attitude towards her.

I also believe she has a huge problem with our Secular Humanism, and non religion, and me being quite adamant about it.

I'm just hoping next year will be better, as my poor child is already showing signs of anxiety, and does not enjoy school at all. I'm sure this can change if she is in the right class, with a decent teacher.

02 October 2013

What a relief

I'm not sure how many people are going to understand this. And to be honest I don't really care. Anyone who has read my blog for the last two years, and who knows me would know that I have been having a hell of a battle against depression, anxiety and plain despondency.

Yes I have been hit hard by life, the universe and everything, but somehow I was struggling with no skills to handle the knocks.

Now I have found something that has instantly improved some of my most urgent problems.
Gone are my concentration issues, my bad memory, my despondency. Away with anxiety, and now I have something to look forward to everyday.

Can it be. All just because I finally accepted and embraced the fact that I have started smoking again. No more tranquilizers needed. I woke up with a smile, I have this joy in my heart. the depression has waned, and I don't know if it will come back, I don't know if this is only temporary. But I have realized once again that my brain just needs nicotine to function well.

Maybe if I had never started smoking in the first place I'd not have this problem, who knows. But I am for once so so happy. I am facing some very daunting challenges right now, but now I can see them as challenges, and not the end of the world. I had another session with my therapist, and even he said he'd rather see me smoking again than become dependent on tranquilizers, where I was heading. Not that they even worked. A smoke worked much more effectively.

Even my dad, before I told him I'd started again, immediately noticed this huge difference in me. So when I told him he admitted that he also thinks it is just gonna be something I need to accept. It's not ideal. But there are worse things. I'm hiding it from my daughter as much as I can though.

She already has a lot of anxiety about my husband who smokes, and I don't want to add to that.

So be happy for me. I am happy again. I sincerely hope it lasts. Trying to keep it to the minimum to cut costs, but immediately I have lost my carb cravings, so maybe now I can lose some weight, and come off some expensive drugs for blood pressure.

I have noticed that I can't drink any alcohol because it immediately messes with my blood pressure, whereas the smoking doesn't noticeably affect it.

I'm looking forward to life again. I'm inspired again. I'm happy again.

30 September 2013

Stopping smoking...again: A Two Year Journey

I slipped. 13 October will be 2 years since I quit smoking, and I slipped.

Quitting smoking was not as easy and straight forward as I thought it was. I just re-read this posts.one, and two. I sounded a bit sanctimonious I think.

The truth is, when I stopped smoking my brain went into chaos mode. I can't remember how long it was after I stopped that I begged my GP to give me anti depressants. Because that was the first thing that hit. Depression.

I was also very anxious, frustrated, and had a severe lack of concentration, which I still have today.

Now I know better about Anti depressants. They can be really bad for anyone who has Bipolar Disorder. It was only when the anti depressants made me near psychotic that I finally found the help I needed, and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

At first I thought treating the bipolar would treat all of my issues, and that would be that. But it wasn't.
I have gone through a journey of up and downs with mental health issues, and if I wanted to actually go through the trouble of re-reading my whole blog, I think it should be obvious that things turned darker after the stopping smoking.

I had lighter days, but there were many many times I wondered if it would all be so much easier to just start to smoke again. Give my brain the chemical that it has become dependent on. Regain my concentration, my memory. Have less anxiety.

But I have fought the evil thoughts. I fought and I won.

Then I lost.

Recently I have been going through something really really serious, and something I can't talk about. And I process by talking/writing/sharing.

It has been very difficult for me to process, and even the anti anxiety tablets that the psychologist prescribed didn't do a thing. But one night in desperation I smoked a ciggie, and it worked.

It helped me calm down.

So a week later the same thing happened again, and a few days later again. And then yesterday I smoked 3 times. Two cigarettes every time.

And now Junkie thinking is plaguing me. I know deep down I do not want to smoke again. For all the reasons I initially stopped, the most important being, I want to live longer for my daughter's sake.

But since I stopped I gained 30kg's, turned insulin resistant, and now recently developed chronic high blood pressure out of the blue.

It's like all the sacrifice I made to quit, has been for nothing.And now with the current helath issues I would really kill myself if I started smoking, or rather continued smoking again.

14 September 2013

Is it? - Right where it belongs - Nine Inch Nails

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?

Well isn't that the understatement. I have had rugs pulled out from under me before, but this one takes the cake. Yes, everything around me is Not the way it seems.

What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?

And then you wake up into a nightmare of reality.

And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?

No, not even close. This has not for one second ever been what I wanted to be.

What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see

Yes. I am very afraid. Right now everything is slipping, and I am very afraid.

10 September 2013

Update on Auditory issue

Okay, deep breath... Caitlin does have an auditory memory issue. It has been tested, and it is there. BUT as usual I saw something and my mind just ran with it and made myself go into anxiety mode. Something I have to deal with.

Yes, after talking to some level minded friends I have come to the realisation that maybe Harry Potter is just a little too advanced for her.

Yes, we read Alice in Wonderland last year, but I am more and more certain she probably didn't understand a thing, and just enjoyed the sound of my voice reading to her.

I'm still gonna try and figure out ways to help with the auditory memory. Her teacher would prefer we test it again, but FFS I don't have the money. She'll speak to the speech therapist for me though, so we can find a solution.

In the mean time I have to figure out something to do with this mind of mine, that goes into panic mode so quickly. Especially when it comes to Caitlin.

It seems most of what I post about her is done in a moment of panic, and then I feel better by the next day. Okay so if I didn't post in my panic periods I'd probably never post any blogs, but it is also a little embarresing.

I've always been an over thinker. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow about my anxiety issues specifically. I don't want him to give me more long term anxiety drugs than what I am already on. I just want something to use when I go into complete panic mode. Yesterday wasn't even close to what I am capable of when anxiety attack happens. And I'd rather take a tranquilizer than use alcohol.

I also need to discuss all my meds option with him. I'm on so much for so many diff things now I just need him to keep everything straight in case of drug interactions

09 September 2013


Ok I've been spoilt. Caitlin has always done pretty well with everything, and other than the problems with concentration and finishing her work that popped up this year, I would never have thought anything was wrong. So the whole story of her diagnosis and evaluations were very stressful for me. Of course me being me, my first thought is always, "What did I do Wrong?"

So yes her evaluation said her auditory memory was functioning at half her age, and I heard bla bla bla because in all the other areas she was functioning above her age. So it didn't really sink in, because it didn't seem to be a problem. We read stories every night, and she loves it. She loves her books. 

BUT.... she still insists on only picture books. and the more pictures the better. I just thought, of course, she's only 7. Then I heard from the yet another friend, they have started reading Harry Potter to their 6 year old, and how they love it. 

I decide, this is it, we have to start with a chapter book too. The first one I picked was Frank Baum's "The Life and Adventures of Santa Clause" It turns out to be written in a bit higher English than I bargained on, being it was a bit older. So I had to stop and explain every word, and then read and stop and explain every word, and then read, and stop and explain. It took us 30 minutes to get through one page, and I still don't know if she understood anything. English is not our first language, but she has always been VERY bilingual. Her best friends are English, and she speaks it like a native. So it came as such a huge surprise when she would understand Nothing of what I read. But then I thought, No, it must be the book. It's too difficult. So lets just skip to Harry Potter, which is written in much more simple language. 

So I read, adn I have to stop and explain ever word, and then I read and I have to stop and explain that word, and I read and I have to stop and explain that word. understanding... Nothing. 

And then even though I had explained a whole paragraph, she would start to panic, and ask me to start from the beginning and explain it again, and she would ask the exact same questions. 

It took us 30 minutes to read one page again. I'm a bit devastated. I don't know why I didn't realise how bad it was. 

So how do I fix this? Which specialist do we see for this? And While we try to find someone to help, I'm going to try and find Afrikaans books with less pictures that I can read to her, and see if it helps her a bit

06 September 2013

Failing the mom test

I read this yesterday and felt so shitty. I've been going down hill with patience. It's like the moment I try to bring more structure into our house, which Caitlin needs. Then I get more authoritarian. Like a drill sergeant. I'm struggling to still impliment the positive parenting things with structure. I know the two are not incompatible. but aparently I am. Or the way I think about them are.

I'm trying to be more loving in our moments of Insanity, but GAWD DAMN Things escalate so quickly, and she is SOOO emotional lately. Some days I swear it's the meds and I am taking her off it, but other days she's fine again.

I'm just really struggling with my moods. Seriously, I have my own bipolar issues as well and some times it just feels like I can't say or do the right thing to save my life.

I'm having a shitty mom morning cause she was exactly 40 min late for school this morning, because I tried to fix an area I had been inconsistent in, and she froze. She freezes very well. She's got it down to an art form. If she doesn't want to do something there is no way in hell you're gonna get her to do it.

But this morning I tried to stay calm and loving and kept reminding her about things she does well in, areas she is good at. But zip, nada. And inside of me I just want to FREAK OUT. But I don't. I'm scared of the times I do though

I'm probably not making much sense, but it upsets me so much to even consider that my inability to control my moods, will affect her negatively. I really struggle at times. This was a particularly bad week

06 August 2013

I've calmed down

I've calmed down a bit since yesterday 

I'm not myself yet. Depression is setting in again, and I'm not feeling well at all. As usual I am turning to writing to get through this. I'm turning to sharing as it feels like that is the only way to dilute these horrid feelings.

I just don't want to be touched, or looked at, or talked to, or anything

I'm unhappy that I left a message for my Psychologist yesterday that I need to see him urgently, and he didn't get back to me. Now I am in frozen mode so it is so much harder for me to ask for help. I did send an sms this morning, so thats gonna be as much as I can beg for his attention right now.

I don't know where the money will come from, but I need the therapy right now. I'm shattering.

Anxiety is the devil here, and my unsubstantial self esteem. Non existent for the moment. How sad is that.

I'm calmer though. I'm not freaking out right now. I'm trying to stick my head in the sand right now, to just carry on.

05 August 2013

No, no, no, no, no

I've been in denial... I'm breaking down again.

I've been trying to hide it from myself, and everyone else, but I'm not all of a sudden just falling apart just today. It's been happening for at least 3 weeks already.

The crap thing is, if I could admit it to myself I could have discussed it with my therapist before our last session last week. But no, I had to be the strong one. Everything is okay with me. It's my old pattern of how do I get to the lowest point of despair without realising, or letting other people realise.

It's the game of, Hey I'm Fine, how are YOU?

I'm a talker, I talk about myself. There are people I talk to when I'm not feeling good, so how did this slip in without being discussed. The only way is because I have been ignoring what it really is.

Something that can be dangerous. I have used the words, "This is overwhelming", to friends, and to my therapist to describe what I have been going through with Caitlin, but no one knows of the other thing, and so it seems that while someone can recognise that something is overwhelming, they are still okay,.

But I'm not. I'm cracking now. I have been overwhelmed. I can't stay standing right now. I don't know what to do, and there's a certain bit of panic involved. I struggle to function right now. This has been way too much. I just can't handle everything. I just want to lie down and give up.

01 August 2013

A small Victory

I am very proud of myself for not losing it today. In the car on our way home from school my 7 year old was in tears because she doesn't want to go to swimming anymore, because her new teacher is too strict. This after she begged me to do swimming lessons again, even though it is winter here in South Africa.

I told her calmly that she will have to do the lessons because they are already paid for. It was so bad she didn't even want to get out of the car. She sat there sobbing. I was seething, because I paid the whole term in advance, and there is a no money back policy. Also she usually loves swimming, but it seems that part of the problems we've been having lately is her inability to deal with authority. BECAUSE we usually have a more positive approach with her. According to my psychologist she has no buffer for anyone who is a bit strict.

So I walked into the house angry out of my mind, ready to MAKE her go even if she doesn't. Then I took a step back, and took a deep breath, and realised that would get us no where. I had visions of me having to drag her upstairs and force her into her swimsuit, and drag her to the car, and I realised that's never gonna happen and if I don't think of a better plan then we're not gonna go to swimming.

So I took my breath. Went out to the car. Told her calmly, lets not talk about the swimming right now, lets just get out of the car. So we did that, then we just focused on going upstairs. Then while I dressed her ( which I usually do in the mornings, but rarely in the afternoons) I talked with her about her day and the good things that happened. We focused on happy things, and she calmed down.

When it got to putting on her swimsuit we started talking about the fact that the swim teacher is very strict and that doesn't make her feel good. BUT swimming is fun, and we she needs to focus on just doing her best, and enjoying her swimming, no matter what the teacher says.

I managed to get her to swim class without any major fuss, and for a change she actually enjoyed the lesson and felt good about herself, for the things she managed to do.

The teacher is strict. But I can't protect her from strict teachers for the rest of her life. I had a revelation today. Instead of trying to wrap her in tissue, I'm rather going to have to teach her to cope when things are tough. Even if I don't agree with the teaching style, it's gonna happen.

I'm just proud of myself for not freaking out, when I wanted to, and for being able to make it a teaching moment.

How do you prepare your kids for people who are not that nice?

On a positive note, we have started ADD medication for her, and today we had the best homework day ever. For the first time ever we finished homework in 20 min instead of an hour.

19 July 2013

Getting answers creates more questions

My daughter (turning 7 next week) has just this week had an educational/ psychometric evaluation done after the teacher asked us to have her assessed for ADHD. I chose the psychometric evaluation above just going to the psychiatrist and getting given meds, cause I wanted to make sure there are no emotional issues, as she has always been very emotionally sensitive, and anxiety issues run rampant in the family.

We're only getting the full report next week, but when discussing it with the doctor afterwards, a few things popped up. They tested 9 areas. In 4 of them she did above 8 year level, in 4 others above 7 year level, but in Auditory memory she did at 4 year level.

So we might have auditory processing disorder, or it could just be the concentration issues which are definitely there, or it can be both.

Her total combined IQ tested between 110 and 120, but her non verbal is at 120 to 130, and her verbal is at 100 to 110. So we are looking at a non specified learning disability because of the 20 point gap, and a visual spacial learner. which is gonna be crap for school.

So next week, which I am preemptively calling Hell week, We're seeing the OT on Monday afternoon, Going for a full fucking expensive Hearing test, including a APD test Tuesday. Wednesday is her Birthday, followed by a pead/GP/Psychiatrist Visit I have to still decide on.

The psychologist recommended I see a psychiatrist for a conclusive ADHD or Not diagnosis, because even though it looks like ADHD, we have a huge family history of Bipolar Disorder II. But I don't see that in her at all. I can see the ADHD. Especially now that we've been exposed to it and I can recognise certain behaviours.

So I really don't have the money to now see the most expensive of the 3. So I was gonna go to my pead who I haven't seen in 2 years, but he seems to have moved. Then there is my GP who we absolutely love and trust, and I'm considering just going to her and getting meds for a trial period.

I've been really torn about this meds thing as well. Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. I can't afford them, I don't like some of the crap I'm hearing about them, I just don't know. Granted most of the crap I hear is from someone who heard it from someone's who's friend told them.

So I think I am getting to the point where I want to try meds and see if they work. This has just seemed so daunting. But I'm starting to get over it and just putting one foot in front of the other

18 June 2013

Struggling more than I realised with this.

I'm having such a rough time with this. I don't quite know why I am taking this all so badly. To recap, My 6 year old's grade 1 teacher recommended that she be evaluated for ADD, because she is not finishing her work in class.

After talking to the teacher though, I figured out it is more a problem of the relationship between her and the teacher, that has suffered some damage somewhere. 

Things the teacher complains about is that, She shows no emotion, either good or bad in class. And if the teacher in any way asks her to please complete her work she will shut down and refuse to do anything further.

I spoke to the OT at school, and they recommended we do their evaluation first, but then they spoke to the teacher, and she told me that they said she doesn't need OT, from what they saw of her work, and what they discussed with the teacher, and that I should rather take her to a psychologist.

Then my psychologist gave me a very short Connor test to do, and both mine and my husband's test does not show a need to evaluate for ADD. ( I haven't received the teacher's one yet)

So Friday I was convinced I was gonna go for the ADD evaluation ( which is a lot of money) But after doing the Connor's and not getting a high score, I think it will be a waste of time and money.

I've made an extra appointment with my own psychologist for tomorrow, as he is the only one I trust at the moment, to give me straight advice.

But since Friday I have had the most horrible nightmares of my daughter dying, and being kidnapped, and all kinds of horrific things. I wake up crying. I hate feeling like this.

Some of the kids in her class told me Friday that she is very naughty because she had to sit and work at the teachers table, and she is so slow. I feel that she is being bullied, and it feels like my child is being damaged by this situation, and I feel helpless to help her.

I wish someone could just tell me do XYZ, and that will solve the issue

I wrote the teacher an email this morning that she must please just send work that's not completed Home, so I can see if she also struggles to finish at home. And that I believe the reason she is emotionally withdrawn in class is because she feels victimized by the other children, and that kids withdraw emotionally as a protection mechanism.

10 June 2013

When does it become a problem?

I have been going through a difficult time because of some issues surrounding my daughter.

Her Grade 1 teacher emailed me last week to say that my daughter has not done any of her work. She is so slow she is more than an hour behind everyone else in class. And the worst is she's not bothered by this.

I then sent her a mail back, saying I don't quite know how to address this. I have noticed that she gets bored quickly at home. She usually goes from one thing to the next without finishing one thing. Although on the other hand, when she is interested in something, like painting a picture, she sticks with it till the end.

The teacher then came back to me saying that she thinks I should take her to the pediatrician to be evaluated for ADD. 

I was a bit taken aback, shocked and a little bit pissed off. 

I know she is a very active child, but we do so well at home with routine. She's happy exuberant, playful, active and sporty. Yes, if she isn't interested in something she doesn't want to do it, and she particularly hates to write, she won't do it, or it will take a lot of persuasion to get her to do it. I have no idea why she all of a sudden hates writing, because last year it was the only thing she wanted to do..

So I had a little freak out. Got a lot of advice from people on Facebook. Called some people, and read up a bit. The Occupational therapist said that before they even consider something like ADD, they have a ton of other things to evaluate for, and they will do that. So we're going with them first.

Then if they recommend it, or if problems are still there then we need to think about getting an evaluation from a Child Psychiatrist.

Then today I went to speak to the teacher face to face, and a lot of things came out. The biggest problem for her is not that my daughter is slow with her work. It is that if she comments in any way about her not finishing her work on time she just stops working, and without showing any emotion she will just not do anything.

After a long chat about how we discipline at home, compared to what happens at school I've actually come to the conclusion that somewhere the relationship between my daughter and her teacher suffered. It's gotten to a point where she might have lost trust in her teacher, and might feel that it doesn't matter if she works hard, teacher is not giving her the attentions she wants for it. Or that she is craving the negative attention from her teacher.

Whatever it is, I think there's a long hard road ahead for us at the moment. Deep down I know that it is possible for her to have some attention issues, with her dad and me and our issues, that's a huge possibility. But I'm also confident that most of her current problems can be sorted out behaviourally, and that medication is not a necessity right now.

07 June 2013

Oops, I (almost) did it again.

Oh Crap, here we go again. I think I posted a while ago about meeting a mom at school, and actually liking her and getting along real well, and then she started spouting bible stuff, and this really hippie religious stuff. Well I ended up being honest with her and telling her straight up that we're atheists, and strangely enough she has become one of my easiest mommy friends to talk to.

We spent the morning chatting about all kinds of stuff. She'd say something from a religious point of view and I'd tell her my Secular point of view, and neither gets pissed, and it's actually quite nice.

But this all took about a year to get to that stage, and we've had a lot of opportunity for one on one chat while waiting for kids during activities..

On the other hand another parent in my daughter's class complained to the teacher anonymously about my daughter saying bible stories are all lies, and since then I've picked up some cold shoulder vibes from some people, so have decided to just ignore it and be careful who I talk with.

That brings me to my actual post. Since we had a parent get together a couple of weeks ago I have made "kind of mommy friends" with a mom who actually lives down our street. Her son is also in my daughter's class.

We've been chatting at pick up time every day and she is incredibly sweet. Also not into make-up and dressing up ( slob like me)

Then today Smack Bam between the eyes, someone interrupts our conversation to ask her about a "healing seminar" and how this preacher touched her, and she fell on the floor and felt these electric vibes running through her body, and bla de bla de blablabla. So I am trying to stand there and Not have my mouth hanging open.

Somehow I miraculously manage to keep a straight face, and when this other lady leaves, she turns to me and says, sorry I don't even know how you feel about stuff like that, but it was so amazing this and amazing that. And I'm thinking Hmmmm.... Do I take this opportunity to tell her ( where we're surrounded by others and easily overheard) that I'm an atheist, Or do I just nod and smile?

So I nodded and smiled. I'm getting slightly braver about it, but it just didn't feel like the right moment. I have been warned that people in this school seem very wacky when it comes to their religion, so I am treading lightly. Not sure if that makes me cowardly, or clever.

I'd hate for my daughter to bare the brunt for our beliefs, or non beliefs.

17 April 2013

Checking in

It has been a while since my last post. I haven't been very busy I've just not had anything I felt like writing about.

My dad is still drinking, and I am still angry and hurt about it, but if I keep focusing on that I'll go insane. I allowed myself to be hopeful when he stopped, but I shouldn't have.

A friend of mine has encouraged me to start a Facebook group advertising my business, and within the first day I had 2 inquiries  One of them panned out and I am very relieved. I have an interview on Monday for the other one.

Mood wise things are going well. I am quite stable. On the normal side of things. Level and feeling good. Thank you medication.

I really don't have much to write about. Therapy is good. today we just had a general session without a real theme. It was fun to talk about a lot of different things. We need to revisit my feeling worthlessness. It's still there. I seldom feel good enough for anything.

I'm feeling lighter again though. Scared the bubble bursts, but seeing as this isn't a bipolar high I hope it lasts for a long time.

27 March 2013

Forgive and forget

My last therapy session focused a lot on forgiveness, and building bridges that were burnt down, between me and some people. I had to try to make a mental list of which bridges I would like to rebuild and then tackle those relationships, sacrifice my pride, even when I had been right, and try to build those relationships again.

The hardest part has been deciding which were truly toxic relationships, which I should be glad and relieved are over, and which should I salvage, if any. 

Firstly because I live with my dad, I have been trying to be more positive, and try to see his good parts instead of constantly focusing on the bad ones. Instead of expecting him to freak out at me everyday, like he mostly does, I have been trying to be nice, and friendly, even if I don't feel it.

It has made a huge difference, and I had just started to feel good about this relationship again, when he told me today he can't sleep at night, he's going to drink a bottle of wine tonight.

I begged him, pleaded with him, to Please please not do it. If not for himself for me. He has completely disregarded my pleas, has immediately started picking fights with me about everything, and I can barely look him in the eye now. 

I can't do this again. I don't know how to get out of this, but I can't stand this again.

18 March 2013


I can't remember if I've talked about my dad's drinking here. It has always been excessive  Until he is drunk out of his head. Barely able to walk, and completely out of it. He also has black outs about his behavior.
Luckily he isn't violent, but he does extremely embarrassing things.

I've always hated hated hated his drinking. I remember when I was around 12, him having to pull over on a highway to throw up. He drove drunk a lot, and I always thought this is the night we're gonna die.

To live with that stress as a child is so damaging.

Since moving in with him I've had to face his drinking again. It was every single night, until he was sufficiently drunk to struggle his way upstairs and pass out on his bed. He'd then spend the night singing, talking, fighting, and walking in his sleep.

I never thought he quite, but he did. about 2 moths ago. And according to him had absolutely no withdrawal symptoms, and cravings. Although he replaced his drinking alcohol, with drinking cool drinks.

I was glad he stopped, but I still have a lot of anger about his drinking. It will take time to get over that.

Then last night he drank again. I spent a big part of the night hearing him freak out in his bedroom. Luckily he wasn't able to unlock his bedroom door in the state he was in. It makes me sick. It absolutely horrifies me, and makes me incredibly angry.

I've been walking on eggshells, expecting it. I've been checking up on him occasionally to make sure he wasn't sneaking alcohol, but last night he was open and blatant about it.

I'm sick about it. I hope it was a once off thing, because if it wasn't I don't know if I can stand it. I don't know what I will be able to do, but I think I'd take a lower paying job, just to get some way of moving out of here. I might have to lose my medical aid, which means loosing my meds and therapy, but I can't go on like this. I can't stand it.

On a positive note, I have been feeling less depressed on the new dose of meds, which is great. It makes it slightly easier to handle all the other crap.

05 March 2013


There is some hope chemicals wise. It seems my really dark depression is slowly lifting a bit. I'm hoping it's the meds working and not just placebo effect. I'd hate for this to go away again.

So I am slightly more calm, and slightly less gloomy. I'm a bit tired today, but at least not really depression tired. Just running around like a headless chicken tired. Nothing else in my life has changed, so I still need to do a lot of work. But there is hope at least. a Little ray of sunshine is peeking through

01 March 2013


I have this inherent uncomfortableness when someone does something for me.
In the first place it doesn't really feel like I deserve it. I feel awkward about it. I feel like I have to immediately balance the scales and pay it back.

I struggle to ask for help then. I know I need help lots and lots of the time, but I struggle to ask, and when I do ask I feel incredibly guilty. I can't quite get my mind around give and take, if there's just a give.

Strangely enough when I help someone else, or give them something I don't expect anything in return. I honestly Like to help and always wish I could do more for those who need help. If possible I like to keep it as anonymous as possible in order to not create the same duality in them that I have. Not even sure if duality is the right word. But I do feel torn between being very grateful, and feeling not worthy, and in need to paying it back as soon as possible.

I just can't let it go. I think this is why I like therapy so much. I pay you, and you listen to all my gripes. I feel bad to vent to friends. It feels like I am dragging them down. Even on this blog I have been struggling to write regularly, because I have some terribly dark days. Even darker than I have written about in the past, but because I don't want to put that load onto someone else, I refrain from writing, when writing is the best way to get rid of some of the darkness.

It feels like by making someone listen to my vents I owe them something. I have taken something and need to pay it back.

I can go back and blame this on some of the things I got used to when growing up. Always being expected to "pay back" when I received anything. It got stuck, and I don't think it is always a bad thing, but it is a bad thing when you are empty and have nothing to give, and need help. So don't do it.

20 February 2013

Weapons grade Plutonium

I had a really good therapy session today. I printed out this article, I've posted before http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html on narcissistic mothers, and highlighted the things I experienced specifically. My therapist was really impressed that I did "homework" and said this is the biggest jump in progress we've made since I started. 

It was because at last someone put in words everything I had been through. From what he scanned I have a quite severe narcissistic mother, and had a, his words "weapons grade plutonium", experience. So it is going to take a LOT of very HARD work to get out of that hole. And some Weapons Grade Plutonium therapy as well. 

My mission now is to keep telling myself " I am not who she said I was" and "I am worth it" and to slowly get my self confidence from somewhere. Without the self confidence I've been struggling with job hunting, constantly feeling "not good enough" to apply for a certain position.

I've also felt parralised, and like I am going into a depression AGAIN, but he said it could be part of the grieving process, since reading this article, and for the first time recognising and acknowledging what was done to me. 

Sorry for going on and on about it, but it has been a HUGE jump in my consciousness for me. To feel horrible and pathetic my whole life, and to then realise why I feel that way, and to know it is not my fault. I was damaged.

15 February 2013

I am Angry

I am going to try to explain what I am currently experiencing, and how I'm affected by the things I realised and posted about yesterday 

I always feel like I am such a whiner when I write on here, but I do intellectually know that what I am trying to accomplish here is a bit of self therapy. And that is basically whining in a safe environment and hoping those whines brings me into new realisations about myself, or my situation.

So What happened yesterday? I have known. Intellectually  without a doubt, and had it confirmed by therapists that my mother is a narcissist. It's so bad, and her hold over me and our family is so bad I am typing this with a hole of fear in my belly, that this blog will reach her, or reach them, my family, in some way. 
There's a white hot hole of burning fear. 

Before reading the Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers I couldn't pin point exactly Why the fear. Other than the fact that I seem to be the only sane one in a very strange family dynamic. And then as soon as I say that a thought would pop up. [ They can't ALL be crazy. It is much more likely that you are, and they are right]

 I am Angry. I am pissed off. I am seething. and I am still torn. I have read that link, I know WHY I am where I am but I still have a voice in my head saying [excuses excuses. You're just a looser and looking for something to blame it on]

I guess that is what abuse does. I have this really quiet voice saying all this stuff, and I believe it, because a child believes it's parents.

That voice is making it really difficult for me to get anything meaningful written right now, but here goes. 
I am angry that my mother abused me emotionally, psychologically and physically ( severe spanking) {and the voice says, you're just a whiny baby looking for attention]
I am angry that my father, in being trained as her lapdog has perpetuated, and instigated some of these abuses himself, and still does. 
I am angry that he doesn't see anything wrong with any of that.
I am angry that I always get used by my mother and father, and that I always capitulate when I get manipulated into a corner by them [but they do so much for you. Your mother does everything for you]
I am angry that they have turned my golden child brothers into fellow abusers, and that my mother, by her lies, and twisted gossip about me has also made my whole family think of me as the looser she says I am
I am angry that no one else can see this.
I am angry that I am dependent on her for a roof over my head, and that due to me falling for her false promises and renewed manipulations I have lost the guts to get out of here. 
I am angry for being shit scared of failing, and for failing by being too scared to even try.

I just want to be okay. I just want to be normal

14 February 2013

What a Loss

I found out this week about something terrible. The unforgivable abuse of a child. Not in the well known physical or sexual ways, but in such a deeply psychological way that it has scarred her for ever.

She was such a bright, friendly inquisitive girl. full of adventure, clever as heck. Always curious and interested in everything.

The constant tearing down of her inner self did her in though. There is hardly a shell left over. It is sad to see. It is heartbreaking, and it makes me so angry I could physically lash out about it.

Her abuser was clever. For years this girl, as she grew up could not put into words what happened to her. She could not figure out what was wrong with her, why were things so difficult for her, that came so easily for others. Why did it hurt so much? Why could she just not get ahead.

People would try to tell her how awesome she was, but she just couldn't believe them. Not after growing up and knowing every second of the day that she was a horrible inadequate person.

Could you do this to your child?

You can read the full extent of the exact abuse perpetrated on her here: 

That girl was me. Now I need to start recovering, because for the first time someone, someone I don't even know, put into words what I have experienced every day of my life. Someone acknowledged the harm, the damage, the hell. So now I am angry. I am so pissed off. But I know I need to move forward. I need to find a way to fix that little girl. To get her back. It feels like she is lost forever, but I hope that isn't true.

Once again step 1 is getting out of this house, and on our own. So Job hunting here I come...again.

12 February 2013

Job Hunting

So I have been job hunting, not with much success. Since December I haven't done much but I plan to get back on that hunting horse soon.

In December I got invited for an interview. The position was incredibly urgent and they needed someone within a couple of days.

All went really well, I could see that I was in the running, and the job would have been perfect for me. Until they asked the inevitable question. " Do you have any chronic illnesses"

"Yes, I'm Bipolar"

Right there, everything falls apart. No matter how good I am at my job, no matter how well under control, and how stable I am. I just lost the job. No matter that they're not allowed to discriminate against me. No matter that it actually counts towards disability points in BBBEE.

It sucks. I was really invested. I hate getting invested and then disappointed, but I guess that is part of life.

Because I didn't get the job I got to spend a week in Langebaan with my parents, and my brother and his family in one house. Pity was I looked forward to it for so long, but that all failed horribly as well. More about that in my next post.

08 February 2013

Welcome back to me

It's been a while, I know. Last post was 21 November 2012. So nothing in Dec or January, but they flew by so quickly.

Towards the end of last year I was just way too depressed to drag everyone down with me. I really started saying I'm ok and I'm fine and I'm good to everyone, while things were going crappy.

Things are still going crappy, but at least I've lifted out of the depression again. I'm seeing my psychologist again and we're working on my terrible memetics (coined by Richard Dawkins). It is basically the internal meme's we carry around about ourselves. The truths we have accepted that have been passed on to us by our parents and society, just as hereditary as genetics. You can wiki for a more complete explanation.

So there is a lot of work to be done, and once again we have limited sessions. Only 13, of which we've already used 2. We've changed to two weekly sessions in order to stretch them out a bit.

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm considering asking him to add anti depressants to my meds. I do really badly on them alone, but maybe with the other meds they'll be good.

Next post I'll tell you about my job interview during December.

I leave you with a song. It's been a while since I posted one, and this is what I am using as my theme song for the moment. Things are even tougher financially at the moment, but I can't dwell on that. I need to just carry on, and do what I can.