25 May 2010

Quick update

I'm not dead, just studying. and so very very busy with that and work. Will be back to ponder my increased insanity very soon.

03 May 2010

Going Down Down Down

For the longest time I have been okay. For the longest time the little downs where fine, and easy to get out of. Since beginning of April I had this gut feeling that something was just off.

Something just not quite right.

I just went on with life, facing each little mishap as it happened, and trying to keep looking on the bright side.

Now I have to admit though. I'm already over the edge. I'm on the slippery slope down. I'm still trying to stop it. Trying to climb back out, but I just don't know if it's worth the energy.

Maybe I should just embrace this darkness, and hope it passes quickly. Is fighting it not just delaying the inevitable?

Every little mishap now seems to make the cement of my darkness just a little bit more sticky. I'm getting stuck in this quagmire. It's still around my feet, but I hate this feeling of a tightening band of dread and fear around my middle.

It's been there for a month, in lesser proportions and now it's just getting darker and darker and harder to breathe.

Every little thing that goes wrong right now is just so much harder to bounce back from. I hate this feeling. I guess it wouldn't be clinical depression if it was easy to get out of.

I just don't like it.

Will try and convince myself of all the things I know so well, because as soon as you sink into the cement or mud, it's so hard to believe that positive actions help for negative emotions.

So will force myself to do what I need in order to escape this. Just forgive me if I seem a bit dull, If I struggle to concentrate, when I react to the smallest mishap with paranoia. When I feel dread even though the sun is shining and the day is bright.

My day is a bit rainy. I know intellectually my mind must be playing tricks on me. Emotionally it feels like something is so very wrong. Something is going so very wrong. Something bad is just waiting to happen.

I don't want to feel this, because I don't want to create it. But I can't deny it. My whole body is feeling it. Like all my nerves are raw, and the roof is gonna cave in just now. I guess I have a bad feeling, and I don't know if it's just me or something more.