10 February 2010

All Written out

I think Last weeks hectic posts took it out of me. I'm all written out for now. Playing around with a few ideas in my head that I might share at some point, but right now I might take it slow with writing this week.

I still need to put pen to paper and share the story of Lanee and Arno, but I don't really have the passion needed to give it justice, right now. So forgive me for being quiet this week.

Just coasting along with a feeling of inner peace and hope.

I still get frustrated by day to day niggles, but I think I am making good progress otherwise.

I guess it's not about attaining spiritual enlightenment. It's about staying right in that spiritual center. That's the hard part for me

Right now some of the things I struggle with is friendship, and how much one gives. I tend to go through periods where I will give all to one or two people, and then after a while I back off a bit.

When I was a teenager I had one best friend. We were like sisters. After a series of unfortunate events in her life we where not together any more, and I felt a bit discarded.

I don't feel that any more when I move into and out of relationships with friends, but that same person is in my life again.

I feel an overwhelming love for her, but I know we are very much not on the same page regarding many things. How much do I share? I can't share everything with her any more. There has to be a very set boundary, and sometimes I am tempted to overstep it, in order to experience, once again that childhood sisterhood.

It's not there though. She is very much religious and as you might have noted I am not. When we philosophize in general our belief systems seem so similar, but the moment specifics get discussed, she hits her head against terminology. Looking for differences, in what we believe, while I look for similarities.

So it's slightly sad, and very frustrating, but I don't think we'd ever be that close again. I can't be anyone other than myself, for anyone. She's my husband's sister, and as I am connected to him, I know I am connected to her. Unfortunately we're not even close to the same level, though, so maybe I should just see this as a lesson in boundaries.

It's unfortunate but I still have a lot of fears around sharing my spiritual philosophies with people. Sometimes it seems like their search for truth is similar to mine, and I hope to share something with them, which might make them see some other truth, and visa versa, but I've been through the experience of being branded a Satanist, and being incredibly misunderstood.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if people could just look into my heart and see what's there. We all have dark sides, but knowing your darkness, does not mean you thrive in it. I just don't deny it.

Anyhow I wasn't gonna make a big post now I did.

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