Forgive and forget

My last therapy session focused a lot on forgiveness, and building bridges that were burnt down, between me and some people. I had to try to make a mental list of which bridges I would like to rebuild and then tackle those relationships, sacrifice my pride, even when I had been right, and try to build those relationships again.

The hardest part has been deciding which were truly toxic relationships, which I should be glad and relieved are over, and which should I salvage, if any. 

Firstly because I live with my dad, I have been trying to be more positive, and try to see his good parts instead of constantly focusing on the bad ones. Instead of expecting him to freak out at me everyday, like he mostly does, I have been trying to be nice, and friendly, even if I don't feel it.

It has made a huge difference, and I had just started to feel good about this relationship again, when he told me today he can't sleep at night, he's going to drink a bottle of wine tonight.

I begged him, pleaded with him, to Please please not do it. If not for himself for me. He has completely disregarded my pleas, has immediately started picking fights with me about everything, and I can barely look him in the eye now. 

I can't do this again. I don't know how to get out of this, but I can't stand this again.

Alcoholism

I can't remember if I've talked about my dad's drinking here. It has always been excessive  Until he is drunk out of his head. Barely able to walk, and completely out of it. He also has black outs about his behavior.
Luckily he isn't violent, but he does extremely embarrassing things.

I've always hated hated hated his drinking. I remember when I was around 12, him having to pull over on a highway to throw up. He drove drunk a lot, and I always thought this is the night we're gonna die.

To live with that stress as a child is so damaging.

Since moving in with him I've had to face his drinking again. It was every single night, until he was sufficiently drunk to struggle his way upstairs and pass out on his bed. He'd then spend the night singing, talking, fighting, and walking in his sleep.

I never thought he quite, but he did. about 2 moths ago. And according to him had absolutely no withdrawal symptoms, and cravings. Although he replaced his drinking alcohol, with drinking cool drinks.

I was glad he stopped, but I still have a lot of anger about his drinking. It will take time to get over that.

Then last night he drank again. I spent a big part of the night hearing him freak out in his bedroom. Luckily he wasn't able to unlock his bedroom door in the state he was in. It makes me sick. It absolutely horrifies me, and makes me incredibly angry.

I've been walking on eggshells, expecting it. I've been checking up on him occasionally to make sure he wasn't sneaking alcohol, but last night he was open and blatant about it.

I'm sick about it. I hope it was a once off thing, because if it wasn't I don't know if I can stand it. I don't know what I will be able to do, but I think I'd take a lower paying job, just to get some way of moving out of here. I might have to lose my medical aid, which means loosing my meds and therapy, but I can't go on like this. I can't stand it.

On a positive note, I have been feeling less depressed on the new dose of meds, which is great. It makes it slightly easier to handle all the other crap.

Hope

There is some hope chemicals wise. It seems my really dark depression is slowly lifting a bit. I'm hoping it's the meds working and not just placebo effect. I'd hate for this to go away again.

So I am slightly more calm, and slightly less gloomy. I'm a bit tired today, but at least not really depression tired. Just running around like a headless chicken tired. Nothing else in my life has changed, so I still need to do a lot of work. But there is hope at least. a Little ray of sunshine is peeking through

Balance

I have this inherent uncomfortableness when someone does something for me.
In the first place it doesn't really feel like I deserve it. I feel awkward about it. I feel like I have to immediately balance the scales and pay it back.

I struggle to ask for help then. I know I need help lots and lots of the time, but I struggle to ask, and when I do ask I feel incredibly guilty. I can't quite get my mind around give and take, if there's just a give.

Strangely enough when I help someone else, or give them something I don't expect anything in return. I honestly Like to help and always wish I could do more for those who need help. If possible I like to keep it as anonymous as possible in order to not create the same duality in them that I have. Not even sure if duality is the right word. But I do feel torn between being very grateful, and feeling not worthy, and in need to paying it back as soon as possible.

I just can't let it go. I think this is why I like therapy so much. I pay you, and you listen to all my gripes. I feel bad to vent to friends. It feels like I am dragging them down. Even on this blog I have been struggling to write regularly, because I have some terribly dark days. Even darker than I have written about in the past, but because I don't want to put that load onto someone else, I refrain from writing, when writing is the best way to get rid of some of the darkness.

It feels like by making someone listen to my vents I owe them something. I have taken something and need to pay it back.

I can go back and blame this on some of the things I got used to when growing up. Always being expected to "pay back" when I received anything. It got stuck, and I don't think it is always a bad thing, but it is a bad thing when you are empty and have nothing to give, and need help. So don't do it.