30 April 2010

On the edge

I haven't written anything for so long because my life has just been so busy. I spent two weeks at home. The first was because my daughter was too sick to go to school, and then in a show of great kindness and sharing I caught her bug. So the second week I was too sick to do much, and she was still recovering.

I've been back to work this week, and one thing after the other has meant my life has become this incredible feat of juggling and I'm on the edge of dropping some balls.

I really have been in a decent mental space lately, even with chaos around I have tried to keep myself grounded in the values and beliefs that I have been working so hard to explore.

I guess for the longest time now I have been concentrating to hard on those that the practical aspects of my existence have taken a bit of a backseat and are now catching up with me.

I was exploring a very interesting topic in my mind. Something I'd like to write about in order to explore it even more, but now I just can't make the time for it.

So I'm living a bit in my head again, where things are getting slightly fuzzy and out of focus. I just don't have the time and energy to focus on more growth right now.

I think for the next month or so I will really have to concentrate on practicalities. The company I work for is once again not doing so well, so there is talk of selling. This means I could be without a job soon. I have ignored this fact up to now as I was hoping we could save it. I also have exams coming up end of May and feel ashamed to admit this, but I've not done a thing. I have a lot to concentrate on.

In between all this my Husband has serious problems with his job, my medical aid is gone for the year, and I am surrounded by a bunch of amazing friends who I have been neglecting terribly, and feel very guilty about. But right now in order to not fall of this edge, and drop all the balls I'm gonna have to put a few of them down in order to make sure I don't drop the breakable ones.

06 April 2010

The Question

The whole purpose of this blog in the first place was to discover and explore my own psyche. To figure out and track for myself if I am bipolar. Along the lines it has moved me into a place of deeper exploration of spiritual, emotional, physical and psychological issues that I had put on hold, so to speak.

The last couple of months have been a journey like no other. I am at the age of the 4th Internal Monad. If I am half way through, already through or still in the starting stages, I find hard to figure out, but for a while I felt like I might be finishing this one. I will do some more reading on that as soon as I get the time and inclination

For now I am thinking in more practical terms. I have been playing with the idea that maybe I am not Bipolar. I've been experiencing very long periods of relative normalcy. Periods of balance. I have been able to cope with what life throws my way and in no way felt like I was experiencing any emotions that where not transitory or out of my control.

I'm going through a slight bit of a low today though, and immediately the question comes up again. How chemical is it? How much is it a spiritual thing, emotional or physical?

My understanding of mental illness is that it is a physical thing. Something you do not have control of.

My questions are these. If One is Physically bipolar, IOW the brain chemicals are a bit screwy and can't quite regulate themselves. How possible is it to overcome this through spiritual growth? Is it that I might "have been" Chemically imbalanced, but through spiritual exploration and a true delving into issues that I have kind of ignored forever I am able to "cure" this physical ailment? Or at least learning to cope with it?

Or is it that my spiritual and emotional imbalances where what was manifesting into a physical ailment, which I don't really have.

How much does mind over matter work? Going both ways?
I know that everything in the mind will manifest in the body, and this is why it is so important to be aware of what happens in the mind.

So I guess in the end all is choice. Do I choose to believe the one or to believe the other, because that which I believe becomes my truth.

I will choose to believe that no matter what it is, either or, that I am beating it. I am moving through and past it. It's a thorny bush that has shown up in my garden a few times, but I am untangling myself from it, and choosing to stay on the path ways, and move ahead without any more snagging.

So even though today, right now I feel quite tired, lifeless, and depressed. I make the conscious decision to only stay here for a little while. I am allowing myself a little bit of wallow, and then tomorrow or even later today I will find that Joy again, and all will be well.