29 January 2010

Friendships, Soul Mates, Soul connections

You know that email that does the rounds? Friends for a reason, friends for a season.
I think this definitely applies to all of us.

Occasionally you will meet someone that has a permanent place and impact on your life, but usually friendships are changeable, they flow in and out of your life, for a reason or for a season.

I guess everyone sees friendship differently. All I can do here is discuss my feelings around them.

Initially starting out this life, I did not make friends easily, and when I did they where intense burning relationship, like only girls can have as children. Days and months spent sharing our most intimate and intense life expectations, Fantasizing about what life will be, Playing house, dreaming big, having fun, and sharing our pain.
Especially in the teen years there was so much pain, angst and drama. And there was soppy letters written to your Best Friend In the Whole World. Your Soul Sister, your Soul Mate, who you could never live without. She was the only one who understood you, the only one who knew you. I still have some of those letters and read them recently. I was amazed to rediscover that innocence and naivete, and that ability to so fully commit to someone else on a very high emotional level.

Then we move on. You leave school, your friend gets a boyfriend and all of a sudden has no more time for you. You maybe even learn to not live life so dramatically, so no more soppy letters of undying commitment. Life starts to knock you around a bit more seriously, so you quickly get a grimy cover of cynicism over that squeaky clear veneer of innocence.

In short we grow up, and we grow out of our childhood friendships.

Occasionally you might be lucky enough to have made a real enduring soul connection with someone from your childhood. Something that has grown with you, and was nurtured by both of you, and that is truly lasting as it transcends the normal bounds of, this life connections, because it is a soul connection that spans many lives.

For me this never really happened. I had comrades. a Hand full of people ( possibly same soul family, or just souls I attracted through many lives) We had common experiences in childhood, but our lives differed greatly through early adulthood. We'd moved apart, and then moved closer again at later stages ( I guess this even happens with Soul Mates)

My comrades are usually those, I have a very specific, and stable friendship with. There is communication from both sides. Sometimes irregularly, but as we move through our lives, we might reconnect when we are going through similar Issues, and then disconnect a bit more. We never completely loose each other though, and there is no need for dramatics. Comrades are always available to give you a kick in the pants, or to tell you, they don't know how to help you, but they can offer you some fun distraction from life.

Comrades, for me, gives me a safety net to test ideas, and decisions against.

I don't always have to agree with a Comrade, but we would more often agree to disagree, than move apart.

Then in my life I've had some other intense friendships, which started flaming and Burning at high intensity, and then due to physical distance, or emotional distance, it burnt out quite quickly. I found some letters from friends like that as well. I feel slightly sad that I can't even remember most of them.

I know we had a very strong connection at that particular time, and part of me feels slightly guilty of having lost touch, although I've learned now, through mostly facebook ( which is very indiscriminate in it's connections) That when you've lost touch it was possibly because you are not even close to the same path in this life.

Your relationship was most probably one of those, reason ones. Where you had to connect through a specific time, finish a pre-life or past life agreement, be it Karmic or other, and then move on.

You find the proof in this, when you do try and rekindle the flame of your intense friendship, and can't believe how much either or both of you have changed, and how impossible it is to even remember the intensity of your connection as there is now Nothing left over. That just means that whatever reason for your friendship has been completed.

Then you have those intensely spiritual connections. These friends can be shadows in your life, and you don't quite know why you are attracted to each other. You might go through periods of contact and connection and periods of nothing at all.
They stay in the back of your mind though. No matter what you do you are connected to them. It transcends time and space. It transcends this life and others. You're part of the same soul energy, you're connected beyond any physical bonds. They hover in your dreams and thoughts.

You might be having a normal conversation on the phone, and then they reveal something, which they'd been scared to share, but which IMMEDIATELY makes sense to you, and contributes to your life, more than they could ever realise.

No matter what and how, you will always find each other.

I guess I am writing this because I've had so many different people in my life for different reasons and in different relationships, but the love I truly feel in my heart is there for every single one of them.

So seeing as you are all bullying me into sharing my blog link with you I thought I'd dedicate this post to all my friends, I have ever had, for a reason or a season for a lifetime or for many lifetimes.

I often do the empath thing, so if we've ever spoken more than 2 words, I have most probably felt you in a deeper way, acknowledged you on a soul level, and you will always have meaning in my life, and a place in my heart and mind.

28 January 2010

Anger and Frustration

So Why is it that when we feel angry and frustrated about one thing we tend to take it out on another.

When I feel angry and frustrated about myself I tend to take out this anger on my partner, or whoever is closest to me at that moment.

I have had to bite my tongue so many times this week. I realise I am not angry at the person I want to hurt with my words, I am usually just disappointed at whatever is happening in my own life at that moment, but it seems like the emotion I feel just attaches itself to whoever is close to me. Usually my husband.

It wants to explode and get out, and immediately I will feel bad for what I have said or done, and next time I will think twice.

But how do you get rid of the anger and frustration. I don't want to use the people I love as a punching bag, or anyone else for that matter.

I want to deal with my feelings and emotions in a healthy and proper way, without exploding. I also want to get it Out of me, when I feel bad emotions.

26 January 2010


Not even sure how to spell the friggin word, but it's such a good friend of mine.
So I'm spending money I don't really have on typing this, by connecting from home on a 3G connection that I never even use.

But Today was not a good day, and I am struggling to process it and not go into a depression, so I need to wallow in self pity until I get so sick of myself I force a new mood.

I think I've been doing well the last while in keeping control of any kind of depression, but today I hit a really low low. It might sound silly and to go into full detail will take up more bandwidth than I could possibly afford right now.

My husband has been jobless for almost 2 years. He has been looking, but he has been incredibly fussy. He's been for many many interviews, and no success yet. It's been extremely tough, and I am partly to blame for the situation we are in now. I'm working in his old position ( long story) and he is taking care of our daughter.

The problem comes in with him in a goal of acceptance ( submission) and her playing around with Dominance.

You can imagine a 3 year old, who is in the mids of testing boundaries, who constantly gets told No, only to get what she wants when she acts out enough.

She's also a prime manipulator, and probably confuses the heck out of daddy.

I know he tries his best. He tries to keep all his anger in check because I think it scares him. Unfortunately this means he's probably always on the brink of an explostion. So things are not ideal with them at home.

My daughter is learning behaviours I don't like, and unfortunately the little time I have with her is not enough to negate it.

SO I've been looking for a school. She's 3 and a half so I know she'll be much better of in an environment where she can practice her social skills and be fully stimulated according to her needs. So last week we visited 5 school. This was 5 out of about 12 I contacted, the rest all being full.

Only 2 of the schools are really suitable, and one does not have space for her. The other is the most amazing school I had ever seen.

So I was honest with the owner, who came across as very caring, interested in Caitlin and our situation, and very willing to help in any way she can.

I told her honestly I love your school. I really like you, being so interested, but we'll have to sit and make a decision as you are the most expensive school. But I would love to send my daughter here.

She gave me the application and asked me to let her know within a week, as she is just about full.

So today when I filled in the application and phoned to get the fax number she tells me, unfortunately the school is now full.

I was just starting to see some hope. Some little glimmer of light in my, and my child's future. And there it was all taken away from me within 2 seconds.

I cried. I actually cried, and I very rarely cry. The big weight that was lifted, by finding this really awesome school, was put right back on my shoulders, and I truly don't know how to deal with it.

I'm still shattered. It feels like I am constantly swimming against the stream, and every time I reach an island and think I can relax for a bit, the island turns out to be a crocodile.

I'm tired. I'm sick of constant worrying, and trying to figure out solutions. I'm exhausted from this constant feeling of one step forward two steps back. I'm tired of feeling on top of the world one moment and being down in the dumps the next.

Here I am trying to work on Choosing, and thought I had made at least one choice I am happy with, and it gets snatched out of my hands.

So this is why, even though i can't really afford 3G, I just had to get this of my chest, before it explodes. I don't think any of the people around me really know how badly this has affected me, because to them there will always be other schools.

To me this was a breakthrough, because for the first time since I started looking for a school, since Caitlin was 18 months old, I could go with my FIRST CHOICE!!!! No second choice for me. Only the BEST for my baby.

But alas, I apparently don't deserve to give her the best.

Change of Focus

You may have noticed the theme of my writings, slowly changing focus. I believe it is a natural progression, as my physical life, is powered by my internal/ spiritual/mental/intellectual life.

As I wrote about here, and here, I've been returning to certain spiritual studies. This is something I did years ago and somewhere along the line, for whatever reason I just never kept it up. I've always had it in the back of my mind, and just lately after joining this Michael Study group online did I realise I had forgotten so much.

I guess part of my rediscovery has to do with moving back to Cape Town, and rediscovering my books/ letters/files full of information.

It will be a slow process, but right now I feel very driven to put the "Michael" teachings in an accessible format and make it available to those who want to learn more about themselves and others in their lives.

The teachings have always helped me to see things from a different perspective. To be more forgiving towards others and myself, and to find the positive aspects of my personality, and make decisions and choices from there.

For those who are interested in reading more. Here are some interesting websites, I believe are clear and accurate. And also the wiki page for the scholars out there.

The Michael Teachings Wiki Page

The Michael Teachings - Very nice site, even though some information is outdated

Messages From Michael - a Site about the book

22 January 2010

Helping others

This morning while barely awake, with mind racing quite uncontrolled in free association, as usual I had quite the epiphany.

Heal yourself, in order to heal the world, and teach yourself in order to teach the world.

I don't think this is a new thought, but it was very new to me at that moment.

I think many times we get very much caught up in trying to "save the world" "change our partners" "wishing the world would change" But we forget that we are part of the world. Every single person on this earth is a contributing factor in the make up of our environment, politics, consciousness.

There's no separateness. We are all functioning together as an organism with a multitude of consciousness.

So in order to heal the "world" it makes sense to heal ourselves. Be it from emotional difficulties, or physical challenges. When everyone pays attention to their own healing, spiritually, emotionally, physically, then the world will heal with us.

And the same with teaching.

Also in helping others or gaining help from others we tend to forget that help comes from ourselves first.

I've always known you can not help someone that does not want to help themselves. Therefore you can not receive help unless you are ready to help yourself.

This is harder than it sounds and may take a lifetime, or a few lifetimes to achieve. Being able to accept help in one way or another is a huge challenge for many people, but when you profess to "ask" for help you need to also be in a position to be willing to do whatever it takes to help yourself. Unfortunately be it financial help, help to loose weight, help to overcome Bipolar, or depression, or marital/relationship issues, no one can do the hard work for you.

You may ask for help, when you really only want sympathy. There will always be people sympathetic, and it will make you feel better for a few moments, but until you make a commitment to yourself, there will never be true lasting release, from whatever issues you are facing.

Martyrdom is attractive to many people. It means you can get a sympathy fix without having to actually do anything about your problem. Feeling sorry for ourselves only brings weakness, and in many cases makes the problem worse. Yes it's human to occasionally feel completely drained and beaten by life's circumstances.

To allow ourselves to Not be too hard on ourselves is a good thing, but by never taking control we give up on many life lessons. Not making a Choice is actually a choice in itself, and just creates more issues we will need to work out.

It is possible to make decision, experience the difficulty of life, and work through our issues, while still feeling crap about the circumstances we are in, but the whole process of doing something about it will make us feel more empowered, no matter if we are successfull or not. It's a question of keep on keeping on. Then one day turning around, looking back and seeing how far you have come.

Healing, teaching and helping go together for me on this.

So not only can one not waste energy on wishing the world, or our partners to change, or waste energy in trying to help another person who is not ready to help themselves, One has to consciously make an effort to find one's own healing, teaching and help.

Not only will this lead to a more happy and fulfilled life, it will also lead to a "world" wide movement to happiness and fulfilment.

We can not change any other being. We can only change ourselves and control our reactions.

There is so much information on self improvement and finding Happiness, which is within yourself, that there should be no excuse for any of us not to find our own happiness.

Break out of your comfort zone, or create a new one which includes, finding the right path for you.

I spoke a bit about the right path for me yesterday in The Michael teachings, but I know that this is not the right path for all. So find what works for you and pay attention to yourself, because it's not going to come from anyone else.

If you make a choice to get healing, get help, and teach yourself, then immerse yourself in that and find your own Joy.

21 January 2010

Meeting Lanee

In June 1997 I went to New Jersey in the USA as an Au Pair.

I stayed for 13 months, and had a fantastic time. First half was spent with various self destructive behaviours in the name of "enjoying myself"

I was constantly half frustrated and wholly annoyed, by very many things American.

From the lack of international awareness, and interest. To the over policed nature of everything.

Being a bit older now I would probably have allowed it less effect on me, but back then I was out to discover the world, as long as it was familiar and didn't annoy me.

During my last half there, in 1998 I met someone who turned out to not only change my life, but who is still changing my life every day.

Lanee McLaughlin.

I met George in a bar on the NJ seashore. We often went there, and I had seen him a couple of times, but wrote him of as a "dirty old man" how dare he try to converse with us young funky chicks. We where on the hunt for man flesh and old didn't appeal to us.

One Sunday while the place was very quiet, he challenged us young funky things to a few games of pool, and as he was paying we agreed.

During the game of pool, a conversation started. My friend Daleen and I where discussing the merits or not of Astrology, etc.

I had been interested in alternate spirituality for a while, but felt extremely lost, and my theme song was definitely " I still haven't found what I'm looking for"

George then told us he knows a Psychic lady and he will take us to her any time.

Obviously our first thoughts where yeah right, dirty old man, but as luck would have it we made an appointment, I think we were just too curious to not take a chance.

It was about an hour's drive and a lot of time was spent on giggling and being very sceptical. I had asked George how much this "psychic" person charged and he said, nothing. She would appreciate a donation if we wanted to but she doesn't charge. He also added, the word psychic is not really applicable, as it's something different.

Of course my curiosity was absolutely activated and as I had been searching so long, and so unsuccessfully for so long, I was quite excited about this visit.

When we got there we walked up the stairs of a small 2 duplex unit, and entered the house.

There we met Lanee, who looked to be in her late thirties. I would later find out how wrong I was about that. We where invited to sit with everyone else at a huge dining room table, and immediately Lanee looked at Daleen and said "I have a message for you, but you might not be ready to hear it" she turned to me and said " I have been waiting for you for two years.

Like a flood I remembered a recurring dream I'd had from about 2 years before. In my dream she was a medicine woman, a healer, a witch, a sorcerer, and every kind of symbolic description of what I was searching for.

It was overwhelming, this sense of having come home.

And this was the beginning of many sessions, where she channelled information from, in her words, Spirit. Most I have on tape. George gave me a few books to read. The Michael Handbook, and Messages from Michael.

It was a very important first step in my self realisation and a jump in my spiritual Journey.

Last night I started Listening to some of my old tapes. Got about 1/4 way into the first tape, and had to laugh at how little I took in right then. I have come a long way.

Since last week I have been immersing myself in the Michael Teachings again, and finding myself much more open now than I was 12 years ago.

to be continued....

18 January 2010

Going up

I'm on the way up, but in a good way. It just feels mildly positive, and able to deal with things in a good way. I'm paying a lot of attention to my spirituality. And trying to figure out things in a deeper way than before.

I know this is part of the finding myself, and maybe much more important than just figuring out if I am Psycho.

How much of my moods are spiritual, and how much are physical? That's a question I don't even want to contemplate right now, as there's so much information to go through and assimilate as it is.

I know I will have to take some time and consciously work on my Empath thing.

It's not a good way to just block your empathy with another human, but neither is it a good thing, to experience someone's pain as if it is your own all the time.

I will not consciously seek people who need help, but I will try to share whatever comfort and knowledge I have with those who come to me for help in this.

One thing I learned which is very important is that healing, self and others comes from love. Love for others can never be more than love for self. So unless I love myself to the highest degree, I can not love another to the same degree.

We usually see in others that which annoys us of ourselves, so whenever I feel anger or irritation towards someone else, it might be that I am feeling anger and irritation towards myself.

14 January 2010

Messages come from everywhere

I'm very much a believer in Spirituality, and being in sync with my Higher self, and in touch with my Soul, and Higher consciousness.

I find this very challenging at times, and am just awaking from a years long period of hiding from myself.

Little things happen though, which re-affirm the validity of my spiritual path.

Right now after complaining about fear in my previous post, I received this "Today's inspiration" message in my Inbox.

"Become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid."
? Lady Bird Johnson

I love that. And I love how it is completely appropriate and needed right now.

I believe we get information and encouragement from a higher source, through out our daily lives, as long as we are open to it.

Sceptics say "you can read whatever you want into anything" I say EXACTLY

BUT if you're not open to it, it won't be helpful to you. So open your mind see the messages. They really are everywhere.

The all Make me think.

12 January 2010

My moods

I seem to be at a very strange point now where I feel very different energy levels, moods etc from day to day, and sometimes from hour to hour.

Finding it hard, as I am pretty calm, but also pretty anxious. For absolutely no reason. Feels like I am on the brink of panic a few times, but not panic attack type thing. More like adrenaline rush type thing. Smoked 20 ciggies and had 3 cups of coffee, and no food between 6 and 11 this morning. Not good, I know.

Also as soon as I get going I do the babbling thing, so I rather keep quiet and don't say anything.

Also couldn't fall asleep last night. So went from down in the dumps yesterday, to something different today.

Tons of worry, which I try to ignore.

11 January 2010

Not a Good Day

I'm trying to fake positivity, but today is not a good day. This weekend a wall of tiredness hit me again, but I refused to submit, and tried to function normally. I'm filled with feelings of Guilt and doubt regarding my parenting methods, and it's eating me up.

I'm feeling like a failure on many levels, but that one eats me up most.

I'm supposed to be studying but haven't done a stitch of work in months, and that eats me up.

The company I work for is struggling, and that eats me up.

My husband has been looking for a job for 18 months and that eats me up.

My uncle passed away friday. I know he is in a better place, but that's saddened me so much.

All in all I'm struggling today. Not sure what I need to get out of this one, and I hope it doesn't last long.

08 January 2010

Thinking too much

A Friend told me she'd lend me a book on this.

What is the alternative to thinking too much though? Filling up your days with mindless actions in order to switch off your head.

I found myself sitting in the car waiting for my dad to finish at the shop yesterday afternoon. I had to finish a phone call, and then make another one, so at first I was pleasantly occupied. Then I sat there, and realised I have nothing to do, immediately I reached for the Cellphone again to go on-line, or play a game or something.

Anything to not think? I don't know. I know I can't do nothing. My idea of relaxing is lying in bed reading a book. It's a lot of people's idea of relaxing, but it is also a mind occupying action.

Usually while I smoke ( Outside) I have my thinking time. I enjoy my thinking time, and I use it to sort through to do lists in my head, ponder issues, etc. But not for to long.

The length of one cigarette. Which is for me about 5 min. Then I go in and act on my thoughts, or I go on to something else.

I decided to cut the previous post short as I find it quite painful to dig into my Issues with my mother. I'm sure the next time she responds to me in a negative manner I will have to continue the story, but please forgive me right now for just leaving it as it is.

That's also a topic I don't want to think too much about.

I have absolute selective memory about a lot of things in my past, and my childhood is one of them. I know there where good times as well as bad, and I don't particularly like digging them up.

I know that this forms a big base of therapy, and seeing as I am doing this blog as a form of self therapy I know I have to face it all eventually. But for right now, today I just want to waffle about non important thing.

Time to get back to work. Enjoy your weekend

06 January 2010

Sometimes I just don't know

Well, Most of the time I just don't know.

At least I am feeling more "normal" today. Good thing else all the non important work and relationship worries I am facing today might have sent me into a full blown Depression. I don't even want to use the D word. Much more of a swear word to me than Fuck or shit.

Anyhow don't wanna talk about that Monkey on my back. The one that's most on my mind today is the person who gave birth to me.

I guess from about the time I realised there was something not quite right with myself, I have known there's something not quite right with my mother.

When I think of my emotions regarding her during my growing up years, I recall the fear, dread, stomach in knots, that moment right between where her car pulled up in the driveway till where she walked in the door and I could figure out what type of mood she is in. It would come out quickly, most times.

I'd be able to see if it was a quiet/irritable one, a full blown Demon of anger one, or a good one.

During the good ones, she'd actually pretend to listen to whatever I was excitedly rushing out to tell her about my day. She'd have this faint preoccupied smile on her face. I would blabber on and on. Deep inside knowing she's not actually listening. Still denying it to myself. And usually when I Knew she wasn't paying attention I would start acting out in some way.

I can now look back, as a parent, at how I used negative behaviour to try and get some true attention from my mother. At least when she was busy criticising me, she was there, in the moment. She was listening. She was seeing me. She didn't know or understand me. But right then and there she wasn't thinking of anything else, except how bad I was right then.

05 January 2010

A worse night led to a better day

Last night, despite the best intentions to go to bed early, I ended up falling asleep at 1:30am. This due to a few unforeseen things.

My brother and his wife came for an unexpected visit. After which an unknown neighbour decided to let loose with his left over fireworks, causing 2 security patrol units and 2 police units to comb the area for him/her.

Also my 3 year old had a nightmare night. Probably due to her being in panties all day and refusing to go to the bathroom. But that's a story for another day. I'm failing miserably at Potty Training.

So even though my eyes where still glued shut when I semi-awoke this morning I made it to work intact. My daughter spent some time in the morning at the Office with me, as her dad had an interview. I really really hope he gets this job. Seems all went well.

So I'm here, Coping, feeling positive. Looking forward to a good year

04 January 2010

Life before and after

Update 26 Jan 2011

I don't think I am Bipolar anymore. I think I have strange up's and downs, and I am probably chemically depressed, but I think people who are seriously suffering under bipolar disorder might be offended by my self diagnosis. For if I am it is very slightly.

I also think I have been handling it well, but might do better if I admitted more of my weaknesses to myself. That's a discussion for a different day though


Life before I discovered I was Bipolar consisted of normal periods with some very low Depressing lows. Where I was stuck in the dark oily depths of downriver. I knew it was depression. I knew it would pass. I was kind to myself, having been through the therapy and medication route. I had the skills to get through it. I made myself move along and then magically I would wake up one morning, hear a song, talk to a friend, and the darkness was gone.

A lot like the weather in Cape Town, I could never predict the dark times.

I could try and avoid it by not pondering too much on whatever was going on in my life that triggered it, or wallowing in it. Usually the darkness got shattered by overwhelming Joy and Happiness. By the thrill of Life. By periods of Immense Love, Gratitude, and feelings of "I can conquer all" I thought that was good. I wanted that. I still do. I LOVE it. I love the sparkle, the dance, the energy. I love waking up with a song in my mind and a outlook of pure ecstasy at the smallest thing.

I didn't like when the happy energetic medium turned to a flood of frustrated wants and needs, impossible to identify and even harder to satisfy. When I'm sitting wide awake and ready for a party at 1am, and everyone is sleeping. When I am all energised with no where to go. No where to get rid of the itch. Where something, anything exciting had to happen or be created by me in that exact moment.

In between there was calm and there was Joy, but no itch. No frazzle, no frustration, no darkness.

Then the Sunflower Fairy opened my eyes. I never realised what this was. I attributed it to being Libran. To being an old soul. To being spiritually advance as well as lacking. To being.

When I was diagnosed with Depression ( severe), Social Phobia ( not too bad), OCD ( Very specific and never quite fit) I was also medicated ( WOW what a high. LOVED it)
I also did Group Therapy ( So glad I'm not as Messed up as THOSE people)

I did this dance of meds and therapy for 2 years, until I felt able and willing to go it alone. Left therapy. Stayed on the meds. But only up to a point. Then I weaned myself.

Knowing what I do now, I guess going off the Anti-depressant/ Anti-Anxiety meds probably saved my life.

I had done most of my most scarily self destructive things while on Anti=Depressants, and while being on a BiP high. I know it now, didn't know it then.

After my 2nd Suicide attempt I told the dr. I am not depressed. I did it to get attention. He believed me. Maybe I should have told him I did it to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING I was shouting. I need a THRILL. I need to be seen, I need to be heard. I need to EXPLODE. I was intoxicated at the time. Oh how glorious is alcohol. Lifts me right up into BiP high. quite effectively, the only times it doesn't it just puts me to sleep.

So Now I guess it's life after realising the truth about my brain chemicals. And now I see everything quite clearly. For awhile there, just the knowledge of what was going on in my head has been enough to lift me a fraction above normal. I can do this. I can fight this. I am not too bad. I am a responsible adult. I am a mother. My child needs me to beat this.

But it's quite difficult living with the physical symptoms and knowing it can last awhile. I've been very much upriver for the last few weeks. With one or two physical down days. And then this week. I'm physically drained. I feel like a heavy stone thrown in a river. There's no buoyancy at all. I've sunk. I'm right at the bottom. Mentally I am Not depressed. But physically I am tired, drained, and struggling to function.

I hope to get past this within the next week. I need a bit of up. I like Up. Not too high. Not frazzled. Just not so physically tired.

Welcome to my Journey. I need to put it in words in order to figure out myself. I'm trying to find me, keep me and not loose me again. I did that one for a couple of years.

I'm finding me.