16 May 2012

Astrology & Bipolar II

"Never again will you have a mental picture of a Libran as a calm, perfectly balanced, sweet, gracious and charming individual You'll have a mental picture of a person who has that kind of disposition half the time. The other half of the time, Libra can be annoying, quarrelsome, stubborn, restless, depressed and confused. Libra is first up, then down. He swings one way, then another. Suddenly, like the scaels-perfect balance! It's heavenly. But there is always that period of weighing and dipping before the moment of heavenly balance is achieved."

That is the kind of drivel I used to believe. Astrology made it all sound so simple, Of course my energy ebbs and flows. I'm a Libra. Occasionally I am full of energy, hyper productive, incredibly social. Full of self confidence, and magnanimous, Amazing, Spectacular. Outgoing, Fun fun fun. 

Then I get tired. I need to sleep. I feel heavy, slow, sad, irritated, frustrated. I go crazy with bad self talk. I am depressed. I am low, I am stuck. I feel sick, I feel pain. I can't move. I can't focus, I think too much but it's all bad thoughts. Negative, self loathing. Hurtful.

But it's okay because I am a Libra and I will feel better again. I am just struggling to find my balance. Because when the scales are balanced I am so grown up. I am responsible, I can handle stress quite well. I go easy on myself, am loving forgiving, compassionate. I'm not only a Libra I am a Sage with priest casting. Everything is explained.

  • Positive Traits:
     Articulate, Colorful, Dramatic, Entertaining, Enthralling, Expressive, Friendly, Fun-loving, Humorous, Informative, Inquisitive, Knowledgeable, Light-hearted, Perceptive, Storyteller, Verbose, Wise

  • Negative Traits:
     Arrogant, Bag of Wind, Deceptive, Demands Attention, Drama Queen, Egocentric, Gossipy, Hogs Conversations, Intrusive, Loud, Oratorical, Overblown Sense of Entitlement, Sleazy, Tactless Bore, Tasteless
  • Positive Traits:
     Caring, Compassionate, Guiding, Enthusiastic, Healing, Humanitarian, Inspirational, Nurturing, On a Mission, Visionary, Spiritual

  • Negative Traits:
     Evangelical, Fanatical, Feverish, Impractical, Irrational, Proselytizing, Visionary Blindness, Vague, Unthinking, Zealous
And yes, the experts in both these disciplines will quickly say I am explaining them incredibly superficially. The thing is this is what has kept me from getting help. Would things have been better if I got help sooner? Would my life have been more successful if I realised I had been depending on and taking advice from people who were as damaged as I was? 

I'm busy reading a book called "Why am I still depressed" and I am learning a lot I didn't know. Especially about the whole Bipolar spectrum.

I'm a little bit angry, because I had been exhibiting a lot of the known Bipolar II or soft bipolar symptoms for as long as I remember. Why did my first psychiatrists 12 years ago never pick it up? Why didn't I?

I could be dead right now because of a wrong diagnosis, and even after I attempted suicide on Anti-depressants, which is one of the major warning signs, I was still treated for the wrong things. I guess I need to get over this anger and blame as well as self blame, but I am treating it as a grieving process.

It feels like I have to question every thought and emotion right now to make sure it's not a "crazy" thought. Is it me, or is it bipolar. Or am I, the me I have known forever, and have grown and am. Am I wholly formed by my unbalanced brain chemicals. Is everything I have ever loved, disliked, or thought and done only due to my brain chemicals, and seeing as they're not working so well, does that mean I'm completely wonky, and shouldn't trust myself in any way.

That's what I am dealing with right now. I am mentally Ill, and all I see is the bad parts of that illness.

Apparently there is a bipolar gene, when if only slightly activated only causes greater creativity and good stuff, and when more prevalent causes more and more bipolar symptoms. Negative symptoms. I guess I should be glad I'm not on the highest point of the spectrum.

Right now I am slightly doubting the efficacy of the meds though, and also asking myself how long will they be effective for.

I'm a bit low, as I am sure is evident. I hope to get out of here again soon. I am having dreams and nightmares about friendships I have lost. Be it due to my own fault or the other person. Asking myself if it was due to Bipolar. Would things have been easier or better handled had I known my mood swings had a different explanation. That I get irritated when I am in a mixed episode. Friends I have loved Would they have been more understanding?

I don't know and I guess the only way forward is to look ahead, use the tools I have now and try not to fuck up anymore

Ps. Incredible how inspired one is to write a blog post when one is supposed to be studying.

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