After spending the last week since my last post coming to terms with all that was botherin gme I think I have made peace.
I asked advice elsewhere, and based on the responses I got etc, I came to the following conclusions ( Copied from the topic here )
So one of the (new agey) things I often do is try to look for reason where it's not obvious.
As per my original post I started discussing this confrontation here, more to get some insight into my own issues around this, than to get people to agree with me.
All of the stories made me realise at first that YAY I am not alone. Being alone really kind of sucks, especially when it makes you doubt yourself.
Then I realised A Yeah I can give her back whatever she's sending my way ( but that very soon turned stale, and I don't think any of this was about that for me. Yes it hooked into a nice little adrenaline rush, but it's short term and not so nice. I like being nice, Most of the time.
I then got hit with the ton of bricks. Lanee was definitely wrong when she said she thinks I'm past Arrogance. ( ok she did tell me , me thinking I'm not is just another belief thing and I am creating it by believing it) But the realisation around my (boring) fear of rejection came very organically, and very strangely, and i do believe very validly.It was a true insight into me. I don't get them as often as I think I do.
Friday things where still in a bit of a holding pattern, impass, regarding the whole Facebook religious fight/e-war. I was not at any point to let it go, even though I wanted to. So when my brother sent me a message on Fb saying he is contributing from a religious point of view, and his wife did too, my immediate gut reaction was. SHit, more rejection. I love my Sister in Law. She's like a real sister to me, and she's even been supportive of me taking on this friend of theirs, so it was so hard to swallow.
I read what you said Geraldine, and I though, No.. It's time to grow up and face this head on Elaine. No more self pitying. Deal with it.
So I sent her a message. I lay it all out there. I have never gone out of my way to explain to anyone HOW different my beliefs where to theirs. I never went out and told them exactly what I am NOT. I an Not a Christian.
In my family and the way we're brought up it's like a BIG swear word. It's just not done. WHat I have been doing in the past, is avoiding the issue, consentrating on the similarities in our beliefs, and ignoring the rest.
This whole event in it's entirety forced me to not only be honest with myself about my own issues, but to actually say the words. To spell it out. ( Maybe I was trying to thereby force her and my brother into rejecting me, I don't know) but the results where more than I could have asked for.
I spent friday afternoon with a migrain. I slept, I couldn't wake up. My body didn't want to give my mind anymore chance to go back and forth. My brain just couldn't handle it anymore.
I missed her SMS and phoned her saturday. WOW what a conversation. We discussed the Bible, we discussed religion, we discussed the fact that we had more similarities in essence, than we cared about in terminology, or ideology. It was the most mindblowing discussion.
Later sat I saw one of my few "like-minded" friends, and also told her all I had been going through, so I got the oppertunity to have a sounding board for all of these things running through my head.
Sat night my husband's sister came around. Now she has in the past told me we believe in different God's so I don't talk religion with her. But surprisingly enough she's also accepted that even though we have different belief systems, we do have a lot of similarities in philosophy. We had an intense discussion without once having to use terminology.
Sunday we had another social event at our house. By this time it was all sorted for me, and I was able to have fun, joke with myself and get over myself.
The thing is by yesterday, the fanatic I posted about was still eagerly awaiting my newest response to her challenge, but I had gotten to where I needed to be. I know that when it came to religion and especially the people around me, and how it influenced our relationships, I had been avoiding so many things for so long, I think it was just time I had to be myself. Set myself free, and realise I could still have very interesting learning experiences from those in my life, especially when we believed in such different ways. So I have no need to continue on with the "e-war"