26 February 2010

Allowing frustration

I'm really allowing too much frustration to creep in today. It might just be hormonal, or the start of another hypomanic episode. I've been doing so well for so long it's very frustrating in itself to now be frustrated.

Most of it seems to be around certain repeated issues I'm faced with in the last few days

1. People trying to force their point of view on others.

WTF is up with that? It comes in so many forms and feels like I am just absolutely surrounded with this right now. What happened to freedom to choose, freedom to express, freedom to just friggin be, and enjoy life, and be happy.

Why does it bother you if I choose to do XYZ. I'm not forcing you to do it, as only you now what's good for you. But Please don't try and convince me that your POV is the ONLY valid one.

2. People not taking responsibility for their own choices

I'm sorry if you choose to be negative and then wonder why your life is filled with dreariness, unhappiness and misery then stop blaming everything else. What is this lack of responsibility? If you made a mistake, then take responsibility for it, stop blaming the world, life, illness, fate, God!!! The DEVIL!!!

That's a good way to try and escape your responsibility. Blame it on the Devil and the Evil in the world.

I'm just getting so frustrated even writing about this maybe I should just stop. Hoping this is hormonal and I will find my inner peace again.

25 February 2010

Struggling a bit

I've been doing good. Doing real well in fact. No significant high's and low's. Just your normal day to day things. I'm struggling a bit with anger and frustration though. Mostly around one specific person, who I love very much, my dad.

He is so constantly negative, worried, obsessed. I sometimes feel like he can't bear to see me happy in any way, without having to burst my bubble.

I'm not sure how to deal with this, or if I should. I struggle with my feelings of anger and frustration around it, and I don't want to be angry and frustrated. Not now when things seem to be going well. I want to hold onto happiness. I don't want to be scared to be happy. I want to enjoy every moment and live in it.

How?

24 February 2010

My Soul Mate Story: Part 2 Arno

When I was 16, I had a best friend. A true BFF. We where as close as only 2 high school girls from dysfunctional families could be.

The story of how I met Arno is also the story of my friendship with Benita. His sister.

I recently read some of the letters she wrote me at this stage of our lives, and it was so cloyingly, sickeningly sweet and soppy. Kind of hard for me to see myself as that na├»ve, innocent, co-dependant, teenage being. I’ve built so many walls in my life since then, had so many shattering experiences, it feels like a different person.

I always knew Benita had a brother, but I had never met him. She and I were in school together since grade 1 to 3, Then again in High school. We only got close again in High school, by that time Arno had already left school, and went to the Air force for his compulsory Basic training.

I went home with Benita to do homework one day, when he walked in the door. I stood in the passage, looked up and saw this being, surrounded by light. It was like a physical shock to my heart and gut. I instantly turned red, could barely look at him, and could barely speak.

I was struck dumb, and felt myself turning a fiery hot red. Benita still asked me if I was okay, and I mumbled something about probably coming down with a fever. She said “Yes, you don’t look well”

I had to get out of there as soon as possible, just to be able to breathe. After that first meeting Arno was around a lot when I spent time with Benita. We talked from time to time, mostly about music. Whenever I could force myself to control my voice, not stumble on words and actually make sense.

This continued on for a while. He was in my dreams, he was in my fantasies, and I was completely consumed by him every waking and sleeping moment. I thought it was just another annoying crush, which I would eventually get over.

Things took a turn for the worst when Benita ran away from home to live with her Boyfriend and his parents. Like I said, we where both from pretty dysfunctional families, and she tried to escape hers. She got pregnant at 16, and her parents forced her to get married, which she did.

At that time her mother and Arno frequently phoned me. I later found out that his mother pushed Arno into staying in contact with me, as she was hoping I would be a source of information regarding Benita, who she had pushed away, and broke all contact with. Arno later told me that I was so shy, and scared all the time, he never felt completely comfortable around me.

We even went on 2 dates. One to see an Australian band and one to see a movie. In both instances I was way too self conscious and shy to in any way be able to converse with this Godlike creature, who I could not believe would have the slightest interest in me.
Well by the Time I was in my last year of school I think it just got too much for me. The constant intensity of my self consciousness was too overwhelming.

We stayed in contact over the phone, where I had no problem to talk to him at all, and this was it. Benita and I had had a falling out at that stage, as her mother was using me to get to her, and Benita felt very threatened by her mothers overbearing controlling manipulations and obsessions.

We parted ways, which was very painful to me, and I spent many nights on the phone with Arno, crying about this. Both of us being able to share our saddest emotions around this tragedy.

After school I left Cape Town and went to Film school in Pretoria. My 2 years in Technicon was the start of a very intense growing up experience, filled with Self destruction, meeting my Twin Flame, and getting to know the real me.

I broke all contact with everyone from the past. I was not this shy, self concious, blushing child anymore. I found false bravado, false self esteem, and false value in many things.

A lot of first steps where taken, and I found it painful to look back at that child I had been.

From time to time, when I was home for the holidays I would phone Arno and Benita’s parents and find out how things where going with them, but I had no more contact with either of them. This was how I found out about Arno getting married, his parents kicking him out of the house, and disowning him for it. This was just a part of the pattern that they’ve been following throughout the time I’ve known them.

Lanee’s message

On the flight back from the USA I listened to Lanee’s message more than once, on the walkman I specifically bought for that purpose.

I was a bit disappointed about the time frame change, and I was even more sceptical now than ever before. How in the world would I ever get together with a man I firstly could not come near in all the time I knew him? He was married, I knew they had a baby, he never showed any interest in me, beyond friendship.

Where would he be? Do I really want this? I just came out of a very nice little relationship which caused me great pain in the end, so do I really want to form a stronger attachment. If Rob was a pre-view of Arno, did I really want the real thing?

I landed in South Africa mid July 1998. My time was filled with reuniting with family and friends. I even ran into an old comrade from Technicon, who wasn’t even supposed to be in CT. I told him all about Lanee, what she said, Arno, and how I am struggling to not pick up the phone and phone his parents even.

Another friend from Tech, visited with me and we spent a day at the V&A Waterfront looking at crystals and stones, as Lanee had given me a list of Crystals and what they could be used for.

After that weekend I just couldn’t wait anymore. It had been a month. I was dying inside. I had resolved my issues with Rob, I spent time reuniting with family, and I was alone again. I was alone, bored, frustrated. I was living in a house with younger souls again, and the day to day friction was driving me to despair again.

I so badly needed to hold onto the magic, light and hope that Lanee was in my life I decided to phone Arno and Benita’s parents and just find out where everyone was. It would make me feel slightly better, and more resigned if I could let it go and find some way to at least know.

The moment his mom heard it was me, she told me. Her and Arno where at the V&A Waterfront that Saturday and they saw me. They where trying to remember my name. They didn’t call to me or anything, but Arno wanted to, but felt bad not being able to remember my name.

They’d been trying to figure it out ever since. She told me he had been divorced, and told me the whole terrible story behind it.
Arno was working close to where I lived, and she took my phone nr to give to him. (Oops did I give it to her)

His, now, ex wife had cheated on him, which he only found out after they where divorced, and the baby was most probably not his. That’s the short version.

I spent over an hour on the phone with his mom listening to the whole sordid tale though.

Eventually we rang off. I just sat there, overwhelmed, kind of excited, a little bit scared, and decided Lanee was wrong. I was supposed to find him. How else could he find me? He was free from the commitments I though prevented us from being together “in the right and proper way” according to Lanee.

I needed him. I did not want to be alone inside my head anymore. I had a taste of what things could be like. I did not want to go back to my old life of lonely self destruction. I was ready. And then the phone rang again. I was still sitting there. It was him.

Arno phoned me. He had been trying to get through to his mom’s line for the hour that I was talking to her. He had remembered my name and wanted to phone her to tell her. He got my number from her.

That was the beginning of our Romance. He visited me the next day. A month later we where a couple, and we where ready to commit.

23 February 2010

Meeting my Soul Mate: Part 1 Two Soul mates and a Fragment

On the first evening I met Lanee, she channelled information for me. I still have the tape and listened to it again a few weeks ago.
It’s amazing how much information I missed at that first meeting, as there was just one thing I was really interested in.

Being 22 and in and out of meaningless, hard, non flowing semi-relationships, I wanted to know about relationships. I wanted to know who I was meant to spend my life with, if anyone.

I forgot how close I was to giving up at that stage. I was tired of this life, and I had lost hope. I did have comrades around me, but very little Soul Family, the few around me where younger souls, so I very much felt like an adult surrounded by children. I had earlier spent about 2 years with my Twin Essence, a very close connection, but one so intense; we could never be more than just platonic friends. Looking back I know the best for us, in this life time was to go our separate ways as we quite easily prevented each other from attaining the goals of this life. My decisions around our friendship caused one very obvious split in probabilities for me, and sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I followed the other path. But that’s a story for another day

Meeting Lanee was like an injection of magic and rejuvenation into my veins. As clearly as she had been waiting to meet me, I had known for so long, be it subconsciously, that I had to meet her. That night proved to be the start of everything I had been hoping for.

My relationship with her, on a spiritual level was quite clear and obvious, to her, but my own validation and realisation only came much later. We are both fragments of the same essence. I could identify with so much she had experienced, because I had been feeling the effects of her experiences in my dreams and subconscious. She knew me inside out from the very first meeting.

She had a couple of years on me, but in essence we where the same. That first night I asked her how old she was, and she said “How old do you think I am?” I said “36?” Turns out she was 63. She knew my most secret inner thoughts like they where her own, as they where in some respects.

In Spirit we where together. How interesting, magical and awesome to meet another human being who knew how you felt, why you felt it, and completely understood your inner struggles and desires as completely as another facet of yourself?

We also started mirroring experiences shortly after getting together. This, for me, in hindsight seems to be the biggest reason why we could not stay physically together for very long. What use in a Soul having more than one fragment if the fragments joined forces where they where supposed to have separate experiences. I could be wrong, have never really read much more on this.

Lanee and I were not mirror images, but we were more like different colours of the same dress, different petals on the same flower, and different expressions of the same essence.

Well in her first message to me she told me I had met 2 of my soul mates in this lifetime. The one I have a pre-life agreement with to share this life, and who I had spent many past lifetimes with, I had met when I was 16. We had shared energy at that time, and I had felt like I was “Not good enough for him” That was not the right time for us to be together in the right and proper way, so we had “lost touch”

I knew who she was taking about, but to my own frustration and disbelief I could not remember his name, and spent the rest of her message, thinking about this, rather than listening. Good thing it was on tape and I could listen to it again later.

While Lanee and I took a break in the middle of her message I got it in a flash. Anton. I blurted it out, and as I said it I knew it wasn’t right. It was almost right. It wasn’t completely right. Anton….Anton…hmmm

I also told her there is no way that we Can be together, because even though I had lost touch with him, I knew for a fact that he was married and he had a baby. I had much darkness in me at this stage, but I could not break up a marriage.

Lanee just told me to chill, and let it be. That night, at home I remembered his name. Arno. Not Anton.

Next time I saw her, I told Lanee. It was easily explained by her, but I only got my validation of her explanation much later, so I was still sceptical.

She said he’s been Anton in a recent past Life, actually one in which we where both male, stage performers in France. The place she thought I’d be coming from.

She told me quite a bit, which I will share with you, before sharing the validations. We had spent many lives together, but often we would not complete our relationship. There was mostly something that separated us, some taboo (The gay thing) or some other reason why we would be separated.

He had spent more lives as a female than I had, which meant, in this life, our roles would be very much balanced, and non traditional.

She told me she does not think he is still with his wife, and she does not think he has any spiritual connection to either her, or the baby. It was purely Karmic. I had trouble to accept or believe this.

She thought I would probably meet him within 2 weeks from getting back to South Africa, but I would meet someone before I went back, who is an old comrade of his from past lives, and will give me just a bit of a taste of how it would be, to find him. This Comrade will also help me clear Karma around my only other incarnated Soul Mate, let’s call him D, who I had met when I was 18, and still had very many unresolved issues around.

She also told me in no uncertain terms, these are probabilities, and that she could not set a time frame around anything, as time is quite challenging.

Validations.

3 Weeks before I returned to South Africa I met Rob. Up to Rob I had not really truly had a relationship. My life was filled with flirtations, one night stands, and other self destructive relationships. Rob artfully picked me up in a bar; I artfully tried to ignore him, as I chose to not agree with Lanee’s “prediction” of a Comrade. How could I cheat on the Soul Mate I knew was out there?

I told Rob I only have 3 weeks left in the USA ,the last thing I needed was another attachment I would find hard to break, and I also wasn’t interested in a one night stand. In Hind site this was probably an attractive prospect for him, as we had no hope for anything other than just Fun. He didn’t give up.

Firstly Rob was very handsome, and I couldn’t honestly see why he would be interested in me at all. I decided to give it a shot and see what happened.

I got attached, my own fault really. We proceeded to spend every free moment together. I thought it really unfair that I would meet someone so close to going home, when I have just wanted to have someone to share my love with, for so long.

We had fun though. It was great. I had never really felt so comfortable to be myself, never experienced the kindness he had given me, and I very quickly introduced him to all my friends.

With a few days to go until I went home, we had a big party for all of them, and I was going to introduce him to Lanee as well.

While I had Arno, as my right and proper mate for this life time, Lanee had Jack. She had been together with Jack in the past in this lifetime, but they had been separated at that time, and she had no idea where he was. The same message I got about being reunited with Arno, Lanee also got about being reunited with Jack.

At about the same time I got involved with Rob, Lanee also met a fragment of Jack’s. For the first time in years she allowed herself this diversion, left the house, and had fun (the mirroring thing)

In any case, the night of the party one of my friends tried to seduce Rob, and almost succeeded. I was livid. With her, with him, with myself. Why could they not just wait the few days before I left?

This was my Karma though. Rob honestly told me after I had arrived in South Africa that he did sleep with my friend the moment I left the country. This hurt quite a bit. It was my Karma.

The other Soul Mate I talked about was also in a relationship when we met. Even though I always said that was not a rule I can break I did. I slept with a man who was in a relationship, and up to that point I could never forgive myself, even though his partner never found out, and it was a once off slip.

The pain of Rob and my friend’s “betrayal” was quite severe, and for the longest time it coloured quite a bit of my life.

I never realised how attached I had gotten, I also never realised that an emotion can become a taste in your mouth. A Thick cloying taste of sweet betrayal. Up to that point I had never realised what I had done in being with someone who was already attached, and this feeling, and the memory of it is one of the only things which later saved me from destroying my own marriage in the same way.

Back to Arno

Before I left the USA Lanee gave me one last tape. She said to listen to it on the aeroplane, and to not be upset. In that message she told me to not actively search for Arno. That her time line had changed and the 2 weeks had become between 3 months and 2 years.

I was very disappointed. I wasn’t sure if I could NOT look for him. He was supposed to find me, and I was supposed to have faith that he would, when the time was right. To be continued…..

18 February 2010

Inner Peace 3

Continuing from Inner peace 1 and 2 discussion on this poem by Saskia Davis

The thing about Inner Peace for me is how fleeting it can be at times. It's only helpful to me as a sanctuary to go to when growth is too hard.

In order to attain my goal of Growth in this lifetime, strive is inevitable. So my inner state, when peacefull does not always convert to my outward state of being. Even though growth is exhausting and sometimes agonising, it is what I am here for. This I am sure of.

If you want to find out more about what Your Goal is I recommend reading a bit on the 7 Goals disussed in the Michael Teachings, if that takes your fancy.

I know I keep coming back to the Michael teachings but it was one of the first pieces of information I found that so completely resonated with me, it has determined my course of Life ever since. I've been a terrible student, and I'm trying to improve on that, only so I can better understand and participate in discussions with those that know the terminology so well.

Anyhow I'll continue where I left off yesterday, and will try to sound a little less self righteous or arrogant ( one of my Chief Features) I hate that one, but I try to rise above it LOL @ Me

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation


Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature


Frequent attacks of smiling


I'm putting these 3 together as they are the ones most against my imprinted nature, and the ones that surprise me most when they happen.

My challenge is to feel this when I am NOT in a hypo manic episode. Because when I am, then they come to me easily. When I feel this while not manic it is peaceful, not energetic and overwhelming.

An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen


Imagine me, Mrs Control freakishness herself, letting go in this way? Even years ago when Lanee assured me that Arno will find me, and I should let him find me I still could not let go, and acted where I should not have. ( I know I still owe you all that story and I hope to end of a serious week with that "fairytale".

So I find the harder I try to control my environment the less control I have over it. The harder I try and control the actions of others, be it my child, husband, or father ( who I all live with) The less they will do what I want.

The more I try and manipulate my choices to suit me, the less they turn out like I planned, and the more it becomes a question of "be careful what you wish for"

So I have learnt the very hard way to let it go. Let it be. To trust, to ope, to even wish, to project positivity, To count those Chickens before they hatch, but to allow them to hatch by themselves. To Accept, to process. To let it go.

Remember my Depression about the School that wouldn't accept my daughter? This one.

I still feel slightly scared when I think of how badly I was affected by the school saying they don't have space for Cait, after I spent so much time researching schools, visiting them, and then deciding on this one.

I even told myself it was fated that this would be the perfect school as it was the one I was scared to go to, because of ( I later discovered) unfounded rumours I had heard about the owner being terrible.

So it was the last school I saw, the most expensive one, and turned out to be the Best one for me, the most interested in Caitlin, and the closest to our house.

So because I had set my mind on it, made the difficult to really over extend myself financially to put her there, and was then turned down it was like a sucker punch to the gut when the Universe pulled the carpet out from under me.

For a time I thought there must be a meaning I am missing, what must I DO to fix this. I she meant to go elsewhere, but how can that be true if this one felt so right.

One morning after a ton of reading and philosophizing, I decided Screw this. I am sick of over thinking over analysing and worrying about this I can not control. I am leaving it. I am not seeing any more schools, I am not doing another Thing about it until something forces me to.

I forgot about it. I let it go. Then a week later I get a phone call to say they will have space for Caitlin starting 1 March. I couldn't believe it. I was overjoyed, and at the same time I was too scared to be happy. ( I have a pattern of this fear thing)

So I thought, WOW this letting go thing is quite interesting. Wouldn't it be interesting synchronicity if my Husband finds a job and starts the same time as Caitlin. By this time I had also decided to let go of my worries and issues around his job hunting. I was not picking out jobs for him to apply to. He's an adult he can d it himself. I was not pressuring him with ideas like waitering which he has a specific aversion to. I had just let it go.

It was quite interesting to feel that kind of peace. Quite new for me. Then he went for an interview on Monday, I even forgot about that until he dropped of Caitlin at the office.

Less than an hour later he was back. He got the job. He's starting 1 March.

I'm loving this letting go thing. It's the most awesome thing ever. Once again I have been too scared to get Too happy about the job. So I'm letting go once again. I just want to believe that everything will be fantastic and we are entering into the hope and excitement I always knew this year would bring.

An increased susceptibility to love extended by others and the uncontrollable urge to extend it


I have always been a very empathetic person. To a negative point where I would take on energy experienced by another, and have trouble to cleans myself.

Lately it's been a more softer feeling of Love, respect and appreciation for every other life form. I still get angry and frustrated at others at times, but mostly I remind myself of all the things I discuss here, and I'm less challenged.

Love really is important in this existence. Unconditional, pure, non physical, overwhelming, non commercialised. Not only the emotion, but the energy. Not only feeling it towards another, but feeling and accepting it from another too.

To me, Love, peace and happiness are very much synonymous.

17 February 2010

Inner Peace 2

Continued from Inner Peace 1 an on going discussion about the poem "Symptoms of Inner Peace" by Saskia Davis

Isn't it amazing, how life changes by just changing our Point of View. It's the 90/10 principle (by Stephen Covey), that has also done the rounds in emails for years. Usually when we're caught up in the day to day drama of physical existence it becomes hard to focus on anything other than the physical, the "reality" We may recognise truth, which is why the 90/10 principle and others still get passed on through email and forums. We spend a few minutes reading it, and we say " That is so true" Then we continue with whatever needs our attention right then and there, and we put it to the back of our minds.

It's human to do that. It's perfectly normal and it's perfectly understandable. It's also very valuable to take some time, every day if you can. every moment if you're lucky, or every once in a while and really think about these things, and bring it into our lives, as perspective, point of view, truth.

I guess that is what I am trying to do here, with this wonderful poem. So let me continue.

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.


For me this connects to Judgement again. Interpreting in order to judge by whatever standards, be it yours, society, religion.

In South Africa, recently the newspapers have been filled with "comment and judgement" ( as is the job of the news media) of our president Jacob Zuma, and his cultural propensity to have many wives, and his human one to have many mistresses.

I could strangely not understand the hooha about it. To me, that was just his choice, his life, his lessons. Yes he's the president and bla bla bla, but really? To me, I couldn't care less. Did his actions affect me in any way? I have no energy on it.

There have been many examples of this in my life recently. I thought I must be getting ill. Have I become so self absorbed that nothing matters to me anymore? Then I read this poem and realised, this was just a symptom of the Journey I am right now, and was in fact a good thing.

Somewhere since starting to blog about my Childhood and my mother, I lost the need to explore it any further. I not only found forgiveness. I started realising that I got no satisfaction out of trying to interpret her actions.

That said. I believe The Michael Teachings played a very crucial roll in me realising this.

As soon as you recognise someone in their roll and overleaves, it does become clear what their motivations could be, and it has become part of me to recognise, that even those I love to the greatest degree, are not on the same path I am. They don't have the same goals, we're not even half way on the same page. No one is on a wrong page, and no one is on a right page. The pages are just different.

( I might sound a bit self righteous here. I am human I still do get frustrated by the different page thing, but less and less every day)

We all end up at the same destination, and eventually through many lives and existences we all experience the same issues in life, from different points of view. Everything is valid. What is right for you might not be right for me right now, or ever, but it does not mean it is not valid for you or wrong for you.

I find I need to remind myself about this less and less, as it has become a truth for me. I do have moments where someone else will remind me, and then again my point of view changes. I love it every time that happens. I love it if someone challenges what I say using my own words against me, because that is How I grow and understand and move forward.

A loss of interest in conflict.


There was a time where I craved Conflict in all it's forms. E-Wars where invigorating, adrenaline rushes. Using words to tear another person's arguments apart, and proving your superior intellect or reasoning abilities, where the fuel of my day. What a boost to the ego. What a way to feel superior and better than...

Then it changed slowly. When you start recognising the truths I discussed above. That every point of view is valid for whoever holds it, then what satisfaction can be found in forcing yours onto another.

So I feel no need, have no interest in conflict in that negative sense. I would rather avoid my mother, or while she rants about some thing I have done wrong, I will try and take a deep breath, stay calm and calmly state my position. She's not always open to receiving my position, but at times all I need is to state it calmly, give her time, and then miraculously she will come back to me later. Calmly, and discuss things sensibly.

Not all Conflict is bad. Sometimes conflict is a necessary part of human existence. Conflict is helpful when it comes from a positive part of your personality. When it is used to validate, or question. Conflict in that scenario is not painful, does not cause an adrenaline rush, is not negative, and is not hurtful to anyone.

It is respectful. I hope I have achieved the respectful, quiet discussion of opinions, being open to listen to the other point of view, and truly take it in, process it and try to understand it. I strive for this in my relationship with my Husband, because for all our "meant to be togetherness" we are so very different in many things we do, and many ways we think and process the world. So in fact we have vastly differing point of view on many things, and I have realised I can not, and do not want to use my "superior" reasoning abilities in order to force, coerce or control him into submitting to my own point of view on every question.

I have no interest in constant conflict with him, so I had to change my point of view, had to change my understanding of him. Had to recognise his validity, the validity of his choices, and trust in our ability to calmly, rationally and respectfully come to similar conclusions about Big important issues, and to be able to compromise with each other. My only other choise would be to withdraw, without bringing up any issues I might have. This leads to emotional distence which is much worse than a process of calm conflict and reasoning to atain a compromise, or to a point where you realise no compromise is possible.

For me it is better to respectfully and calmly inform someone of my point of view, without expecting it to influence theirs, than to withdraw from them emotionally, when you share a life with them. When there is constant conflict and strife and this is not the person you are sharing a life with, then what is the need for conflict? With no mutual respect of each other's different Point of view, and an ability to compromise and converse without conflict, why not withdraw? I've had to withdraw from friendships and relationships in the past for this very reason.

I think a couple of years ago I used to think compromise means my husband has to do what I wanted, and I would pretend to give him some slack. Now I have come to the realisation that my life is a product of past decisions and actions. How can I resent his lack of decision and action when I have conditioned him into believing that only mine is valid.

So time to take the difficult road and allow him to make his own decisions even though I do not agree with him. To allow him to make his own mistakes and to learn from this. To Give guidance or advice,on issues that concern us as a family, when I feel it is appropriate but to ensure I do this in a way which is respectful to him as a Spiritual being on his own Human path. Because even though we are together, and "meant to be together" we are still each on our own path.

Lanee told me years ago that we all grow at different paces. She used two of her friends as examples. The one learns and grows at an alarmingly fast rate, and like the hare in the story of the tortoise and the hare, he takes two steps forward and one step back. While her other friend learns and grows at a very slow pace, but like the tortoise she will also get to the finishing line. Her growth is more stable, and even though it is hard to notice from day to day, she rarely has to learn the same lessons twice.

I very much believe this is the way with my Husband and myself. I'm the Hare, and he's the tortoise. There's no winners in this race. We all reach the final destination at our own pace. As much as I am sometimes frustrated by his slower pace, I am just as frustrated with my own back pedaling.


A loss of the ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom)

Oh what a worry wart I have been? How easy to work oneself up into a lather over things you have no control over. For years and years I have struggled with this. "Water off a duck's back" "Can't worry about that which we have no control over" and all those things I knew where true but just could not apply to my day to day existence.

And then a couple of weeks ago I just started to give it up. Give it up to the Universe, a higher power, God. Whichever name you feel comfortable with. Give it up because it was making me sick. Give it up because all the worrying and all the stress it causes are sure to attract nothing less than more worries.

My dad, who I love immensely will find the most horrid things to worry about out of the most innocent circumstances. I don't want to be that. I don't even see or feel the need to worry about something that is troublesome. So my new anthem in this topic is a song by Simon Webbe called "No worries". I absolutely Love it.

I wish it was all as simple of saying now that I have achieved this I need do nothing more than just continue it, but doubt and worries always seem to crawl in again. So the challenge is to maintain my Inner peace, and grow further in the areas I find a need. Life is ever so much more interesting and exciting when you have a centre of peace to fall into when you need it.

To Be Continued again .....

I leave you in the Capable hand of Mr Webbe

16 February 2010

Inner Peace 1

A while ago this was posted on the Lightworker activation facebook page.
I love this poem by Saskia Davis, and it opened my eyes to a few things I had been experiencing, and wasn't quite sure if it was good or not.

The Symptoms Of Inner Peace by Saskia Davis

Be on the lookout for symptoms of Inner Peace. The hearts... of a great many have already been exposed to Inner Peace, and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom).
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others, as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

<<>> If you have some or all of the above symptoms - please be advised that your condition of Inner Peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at
your own risk.- Saskia Davis

http://www.lightworkeractivation.com


I'd like to use this oppertunity to look at where I think I am, and where I still need to go.

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.


Now this is one I can honestly say I have not achieved yet. I do think I might be moving towards a place of acting out of my true positive self, but I still have many fears imprinted by past relationships and experiences. I sometimes think one of my biggest challenges in this lifetime is moving past fear.

I have a lot of trouble to make decisions as I have become even more fearful in later years. Recognising this, is probably a first step towards overcoming it. Right now I am trying to act from positive light, and to force myself beyond fear, and to even ignore it a bit. Make myself believe it is only that. Fear. With no reason and no logic behind it.

As you might have noticed Music resonates highly with me. Every now and again I get a reminder of why fear is not good when I listen to the song "Dolphin's cry" by Live

"Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time"

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.


I have moments of these. Times where I feel light, no matter what chaos surrounds me. I suspect much of the chaos, probably all of it, is created by myself, in order to teach me to find the moments of enjoyment inside the eye of the storm.

Sometimes no Chaos is needed, and I can find enjoyment out of a moment of boring everyday existence. A moment where I look at my Husband, or a moment where I smell my daughters hair.

I would love to feel this continuously, but how do we appreciate moments of peace without moments of non-peace. I guess the secret for me is to find a moment where it is unexpected. It does not come naturally to me, to be happy. So when after a long period of trying to fight my own impulses, and my own inherent negativity, I find myself enjoying a moment in tranquil peace for absolutely no reason other than a spontaneous joy, it is even more precious than consciously sitting down to meditate and search for peace.

A loss of interest in judging other people.


I was most surprised by this symptom. I had been trying consciously to not do this for years, but there's always some part of judgement whenever you think of terms of wrong and right. I have been part of an online parenting forum, since my daughter was a few weeks old. The combination of parenting and the internet tends to bring out the most Judgement in people.

It's so easy to say your way is wrong, and my way is right. In almost every scenario there would be some person to judge by your own standards. By either their action or lack of action. It becomes second nature. Then inevitably, the next step is to judge oneself. That is usually a recipe for depression in my case. We're so much harder on ourselves than others. Well I know I am. So when I started feeling that I just had no desire to contribute to the parenting forum anymore, I realised it might have something to do with this. I just lost interest in the Judgement game. In either needing to judge someone else's actions, or for someone to judge mine.

When we need recognition, isn't that a request for judgement by another? Do we not ask that someone judge us to be right and good, and therefor we feel validated? Why do we need the judgement of another to validate us. I struggle to completely get rid of the need for validation, but for now I have no interest in judging another or being judged.

To be continued.....

10 February 2010

All Written out

I think Last weeks hectic posts took it out of me. I'm all written out for now. Playing around with a few ideas in my head that I might share at some point, but right now I might take it slow with writing this week.

I still need to put pen to paper and share the story of Lanee and Arno, but I don't really have the passion needed to give it justice, right now. So forgive me for being quiet this week.

Just coasting along with a feeling of inner peace and hope.

I still get frustrated by day to day niggles, but I think I am making good progress otherwise.

I guess it's not about attaining spiritual enlightenment. It's about staying right in that spiritual center. That's the hard part for me

Right now some of the things I struggle with is friendship, and how much one gives. I tend to go through periods where I will give all to one or two people, and then after a while I back off a bit.

When I was a teenager I had one best friend. We were like sisters. After a series of unfortunate events in her life we where not together any more, and I felt a bit discarded.

I don't feel that any more when I move into and out of relationships with friends, but that same person is in my life again.

I feel an overwhelming love for her, but I know we are very much not on the same page regarding many things. How much do I share? I can't share everything with her any more. There has to be a very set boundary, and sometimes I am tempted to overstep it, in order to experience, once again that childhood sisterhood.

It's not there though. She is very much religious and as you might have noted I am not. When we philosophize in general our belief systems seem so similar, but the moment specifics get discussed, she hits her head against terminology. Looking for differences, in what we believe, while I look for similarities.

So it's slightly sad, and very frustrating, but I don't think we'd ever be that close again. I can't be anyone other than myself, for anyone. She's my husband's sister, and as I am connected to him, I know I am connected to her. Unfortunately we're not even close to the same level, though, so maybe I should just see this as a lesson in boundaries.

It's unfortunate but I still have a lot of fears around sharing my spiritual philosophies with people. Sometimes it seems like their search for truth is similar to mine, and I hope to share something with them, which might make them see some other truth, and visa versa, but I've been through the experience of being branded a Satanist, and being incredibly misunderstood.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if people could just look into my heart and see what's there. We all have dark sides, but knowing your darkness, does not mean you thrive in it. I just don't deny it.

Anyhow I wasn't gonna make a big post now I did.

05 February 2010

Apology

In the spirit of the post I made today. Which was very hard for me, and brought up many feelings I did not want to feel again, I need to post another song.

Music resonates deeply with me. I've loved this song since I heard it while in theatre when Caitlin was born. It was the first time I ever heard it, even though it's probably much older than that.

I used to think this song is about Caitlin, but hearing it today after what I wrote, I now realise this is all about my Husband. That's why it feels like I could have written these words.

So for Arno ( Anton...inside joke to be explained next week ;) )

The Reason- by Hoobastank



Lyrics

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

History of Depression: Part 2- Breakdown and Treatment

In General as a whole, and to my ability to remember, which is not great, my childhood was not bad.

I remember afternoons filled with exploration and games, of naughty stuff, of adventure, of fantasy and of Joy.

Things where not perfect at home but they where not as bad as some, and better than others.

Most of my Angst peaked during my teenage years, and continued from there. Sometimes I wish I could speak to that confused, self conscious and lost child.

After I was married, and after some stressful events, I had a huge fight with my husband one evening. I remember a lot of shouting, running outside sitting crying on the step. I don’t remember who phoned my mom and dad. It could have been me. It could have been my husband.

When they got there I was lying on the couch, in the dark, in tears. Having drank alcohol to just calm down, I was very much unresponsive, and uncommunicative. No one really knew what to do with me, as I didn’t know what to do with myself.

My mother told me this is the last straw; I would have to get help. I couldn’t go on like this. My inability to deal with my emotions, and this dangerous depression that had haunted me through out my life, was starting to steal me away. She cared. I think in many ways, even though she has her faults, my mother just didn’t know what to do with me most of my life. I know she tried her best, and I know she loves me.

My mother paid for me to see a psychologist. The Psychologist was so great and after two sessions told me she thinks I need to go to Psychiatrist for a diagnosis, and knowing I can’t afford it she recommended Tygerberg Hospital.

She organised a referral to Tygerberg Hospital Psychiatric department. I had to wait more than a month for the appointment, but the thing was I was taking an active step in trying to help myself. I continued seeing the psychologist while I waited for my appointment.

It wasn’t easy and it was incredibly scary. I bullied myself through it all, forcing myself to just ignore all my fears and phobias. By that time I was very much withdrawn, and unable to do simple things like going to the shop by myself.

Arno was very supportive, and I know my parents also tried to help me. I had recently resigned from a very stressful job, and was working as tutor for my aunt’s children in the afternoons, and even she was really supportive.

All the support and encouragement made me feel accountable to them, and also forced me to commit to getting help.

After tons of questionnaires, a 2 hour session with the psychiatrist, blood tests etc, I received my diagnosis. Severe Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Social Phobia

I was also given the option of continuing my psychological and psychiatric treatment through Tygerberg, which is a government teaching hospital and therefore much cheaper. I was put on 2 Anti Depressants, Tryptanol and Aropax.

I went back to my expensive Psychologist for my last session with her. One of the first things she told me was “How do you feel about your diagnosis?”

All I felt was relief and validation. There was a name for what I was experiencing, and there was a way forward.

I started treatment at Tygerberg. Had to go once a week, and the psychologists and Psychiatrist would rotate every 3 months (as they where students) so that brought its own challenges. But after a month I was asked if I would be interested in group therapy.

My initial reaction was, “no ways”. I was asked to try it once though, and immediately I was hooked.

Group therapy offered something that one on one could not. I got to basically connect with others in the same and worse position than me. I got the opportunity to be honest about my experiences, and what I felt, and had a commitment to these other people in the same boat as me, to be honest, as they where. And to give honest feedback on every issue talked about. I got to see my own issues and other’s from differing points of view. I also had much more consistency in treatment as the group, nor the therapists (3) in it, often changed.

After about a year I stopped my one on one sessions and just continued with group. After another while I had to go back to one on one, but was offered an opportunity to go into treatment with a slightly more senior psychologist who did not have to rotate every 3 months. The funny thing? She was in the children’s section, and in the exact same office I had gone to all those years ago as a child.

After about 2 years I stopped all therapy, continued with 6 month visits to the Psychiatrist and staid on Aropax. I was already of the Tryptanol at this stage, but got it occasionally in case I couldn’t sleep.

I was doing really well on the medication. I was happy, energetic. I was mostly on a Bipolar high. Hypo manic. I didn’t realise this neither did the psychiatrists. This was my fault though because as before I managed to easily manipulate the tests they gave me. I had set my mind on the diagnosis being the only one I wanted to work with. I had met many people struggling with Bipolar in group therapy, and I was Not going to be one of those. I made up my mind you see. So I never really talked about the edginess. That was written off as anxiety disorder, which came with depression, didn’t it? Ok I couldn’t quite figure out why mine where never really anxiety attacks. My social phobia also disappeared and the OCD was not really OCD as such. It only influenced my thoughts, and never my actions. And for 2 years it was quite okay. It was a huge change from the constant dark molasses of depression which held me down and weighed me down.

It was fun. I remember about a week after I started on the double dose of AD’s my brother asked me to go with him in his car one morning. We put the radio loud and I was Giggling, glowing, talking a 100 miles a minute. He asked me “Are you on drugs” and I said YES. I LOVE these anti-depressants.

At that stage of my life, being ready for a party 24/7 was okay. It was good. It was fun; I needed all the energy I had to deal with another stressful job, as well as marriage.

I loved it.

Then it turned dark.

2004

I had 2 miscarriages. The first, I wasn’t aware that I was pregnant. I had no idea. I had a week away with my husband, visiting my party animal friend In July in Richards’s bay. I drank, I smoked, and I got stoned. I slept so much. I was constantly tired and constantly hungry, but I never once even considered the possibility that I might be pregnant.

My cycle was a mess, and I decided to make an appointment with a Gynaecologist. That’s when he told me, “You appear to be pregnant but there is no foetus”

Two weeks of hell on earth followed, where I went through every imaginable emotion, until eventually I was booked in for a D&C. There was no hope. This pregnancy was not meant to be, and I was stuck with all the feelings of Guilt about my conduct, which probably caused this.

I went to the psychiatrist after this, discussed it, and said all the right things. I refused to be one of those women who fell apart because of a miscarriage so I carried on.

December 2004 I found out I was pregnant again. This time it was planned and we where overjoyed. I was ecstatic, so was my husband, the whole family. I could only get an appointment with my gynae for 2 months later, but I didn’t mind too much. I knew nothing.

So on the day of my now Sister in Law’s kitchen tea, I drove myself to my mother’s house, for the surprise event. On the way I started getting cramps. I thought maybe my stomach was upset. I went to the bathroom at my mom’s house and there was blood.

I immediately burst into tears; no one else had arrived yet, so I quietly told my mom something is wrong I need to go to the doctor. I drove myself back home, sobbing all the way. When my surprised husband opened the front door, I told him I am loosing our baby.

The rest of it was even more dramatic than the first one, and involved my gynaecologist basically leaving me to bleed, at home for 3 days before managing to see me. (I never once thought of just going to the E.R.) At that time I had already spontaneously miscarried, and I was not in a good state.

For a while all was fine. I was sad. I was down, but after another consultation with my Psychiatrist (a diff one every time) I had decided, even 2 can’t get me down. I will not go back into therapy I could handle this.

Then I lost my mind

I was edgy. I was anxious. I needed a fix. I needed excitement. I was bored. I was tired of boredom. I had to Do SOMETHING. NOW.

I discovered a MSN Backgammon site on the internet (which has since been closed) this was a community of internet depravity. I discovered Cybersex; I discovered the godlike powers a woman has online. I discovered the dark side of the internet, and submersed myself into it.

I told my husband that I think we should have an open relationship, and I dragged him kicking and screaming into the mess with me.

At the same time I started taking Guitar lessons again, I joined a few bands/jamming sessions. I drank to excess. I was a Dark Angel of Party. I was permanently on some kind of adrenaline rush. I got argumentative, harsh, cruel, and wallowed in darkness.

This was not the darkness of depression. It was the centre of self destruction, which can be even darker than depression, and 20 times more dangerous. With depression I had the darkness, but no will to do anything, even to myself. With the despair I now had I had energy galore, and a will to push myself into area’s I had never explored before.

This episode of my life culminated in a severe fight with Arno, where I took a whole pack of Tryptanol, and when he phoned the ambulance I told him I didn’t take it, I was lying. Luckily he didn’t listen to me.

The night in hospital was a nightmare. It was worse to tell my parents the next day, as I was working for my dad, and had to take the day off.

I was embarrassed. It was a wake up call though. I had to take a step back and look at my self destruction and stop it.

It took a long time for me to work through what the issues where. I didn’t go back into therapy, but I did discuss it with my psychiatrist, still avoiding the “manic” factors, as I just didn’t recognise it yet.

Later in 2005 I was pregnant again. It was a tough pregnancy and filled with fear of loosing my baby, but she was safely delivered 24 July 2006.

She was enough reason for me to find healthy ways to deal with my feelings.
The last few years I’ve spent figuring out how to deal with them in a healthy way. I’m still in that journey. There’s no quick fix. I did go off the Aropax, 2 days after I came home with Caitlin.

I went through what I recon was probably PND. I had some lows that I managed to work through with the help of a lot of friends.

Last year I even contemplated going into therapy again. This is still an option. But since I read up on Bipolar II, and realised I am a fit, even up to the usual wrongful diagnoses of depression and anxiety disorder with OCD, I discovered more tools to ease my way ,tools to better help me understand my “chemical romance” with my body.

I guess there is a lot I glossed over, but this is about how much I want to immerse myself in that darkness. I’ve moved on. I move on every day. I’m sure I will get back to some things from time to time.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Update - 01/02/2011

I've decided to leave this post unedited. It is very painful to re-read as I am a very different person now from what I was then. This happened though, and these were my thoughts about it last year when I typed this out.

I've now come to different realisations which I will share soon enough. Especially the big one. I am not bipolar or depressed. Not really. I allow myself those as an escape from responsibility. This applies to me, Myself. There are many people who do experience these horrible conditions and will need therapy and medication for the rest of their lives.

For me it was a necessary learning phase. Something I had to experience and get through. I'm over it now

04 February 2010

History with Mental Illness. Part 1: Childhood

I’m trying to force myself to do the things I am promising to do. I said I’d do a post about my history with Depression, no matter how little I like to dwell on that issue.

I’m doing this as I believe everyone asks themselves the question at one time or another. “Is this feeling normal?” “Am I normal?” “Is there something wrong with me?”

Those are some of the things I have been asking since I was a child. I started reading self improvement articles in magazines around the time I was 10, because I knew something wasn’t quite right.

Obviously my environment was slightly dysfunctional as is about 80% of Families.

So my first documented, recognised episode came when I was in Std 4 (Grade 6) age about 11, I think.

My home-room teacher was on Maternity leave, and her replacement did not like me at all. To be honest I don’t remember much about what was said or done to me, if anything, but my perception was of feeling threatened to the extreme.

I was an extremely shy child, quiet and good in every expected way, maybe slightly dreamy and unfocused. I always did my homework, was never disruptive in class.

Somehow I did upset this teacher, and her, me, like I said I can’t remember the details of the Why.

So one Monday when my mother dropped me off at school, on her way to work I lost it. I was hysterical; I refused to go to school. She forced me out of the car, and drove away, and I ran after her. She probably didn’t know how to handle this, and took her only option (She had to get to work, kids don’t get this) so she kept driving.

What did I do? I went into the class to my teacher, face a mess of tears, and still ever so obviously upset and uncontrollably crying, and told her I need to go home I feel sick.

There’s very little of what happened that day that I still remember feeling, but being unable to stop crying is the most prevalent feeling still. I just could not stop and I did NOT want to be at school. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole. I wanted my room, my stuff, my safety. I felt embarrassed by my actions, I felt scared of what my mother would do to me. Being unable to stop crying and the horror of having to go to school that day was stronger than anything else.

The teacher phoned my mom and she picked me up again. I don’t remember the consequences of my actions. I have no idea what happened after this or the next time I went to school.

This event has stayed with me though because it led up to my mother taking me to a child psychologist.
I don’t know if she told me what was going on, but I was clever enough to know this was a head doctor and if I don’t tell him what he wants to know, what “normal” people would say and do, then I would probably be put in an insane asylum. I just didn’t want anyone to know I was crazy, as I felt I was.

So when he asked me questions I told him everything I thought would be the “right” answers. I’m not quite sure how I managed to know what the “right” answers where, but for instance, when he asked if I really liked spending every break in the library, or if I would rather play with friends outside, I told him I like playing outside, but sometimes my friends aren’t there.

This was Bullshit; I didn’t like the other kids. I got teased mercilessly, I felt self conscious, and I felt different. It felt like I was an alien, mixed in with humans. I knew none of the rules, and I couldn’t please anyone, even though I tried. I had been asking questions about my school work, that the teachers couldn’t answer.

I always seem to notice discrepancies, and I guess they felt threatened that I wouldn’t just shut up and conform. This was done quietly though. I was a “Good” Child in school.

I loved the library. I could read comics all break long, I could read books, I could explore everything I wanted. The Library teacher also loved me, so I felt safe there.

So almost everything the psychologist asked I answered non truthfully. His diagnosis, there was nothing wrong with me, it was probably a normal childhood stage, I would outgrow it.

So obviously I started thinking, if the lies I told meant I was normal, would that mean if I told the truth, that I was not? See too clever for my own good.

Well this was my first look into the world of psychologists. It took me many years to return, more successfully to the world of Therapy. By that time, though, I was forced to get help as I was at the point of no return

03 February 2010

Returning to Joy

I've been having a hard time this week, as was probably quite obvious. Then someone reminded me yesterday to return to my Joy. That has always been music, and I don't know why I keep forgetting it.

So in order to share my Joy.....

I dug up some CD's I hadn't listened to in years and there it was.

This song makes me cry, laugh, and feel more in touch with Agape than anything else I can think of. Close to the emotions felt at the moment of my daughter's Birth, and the moment of looking into my Soul mate's eyes for the first time.

I saw this band live years ago, and it was more of a spiritual experience than I had ever experienced in any other group setting. They constantly remind me of what I have inside myself.

Live- They stood up for love
This is the Live version



Lyrics - from the Album

Naked lovers feel the blood beneath their veins
Electric nerves comunicate
With tiny explosions through our brains
Who is this energy that never left or came?
Give rise to passion the only glory
Of this human story

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Lookin' back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say, everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
In spite of the hate

Who put the flower in the barrel of that gun?
Who lit the candle, started the fire,
Burnt down the fortress, the throne?
Who could house all the refugees in a single shack
Or a lowly bungalow?
Who lives in a different dimension, free from the
Struggles we know?

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Lookin' back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
We spend all of our lives goin’ out of our mind
They live in the light

We made it to the moon
But we can't make it home
Waitin’ on a rescue that never comes
Made it to the moon
But we can't make it home
Maybe home is where the heart is given up
To the one, to the one

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Lookin' back to our birth, forward to our demise
We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
They live, they

They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love
They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Masters in everytime
We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Stood up for love

02 February 2010

My Technological Headaches

I've been having the most ridiculous technological gremlins. I'm loosing emails, blog posts etc left right and centre. I've also been extremely frustrated with my lack of internet at home, or even just a notebook so I can write all these words building up inside of me.

My mind is going a 100 miles a minute, and when I can't type it all out it kind of builds up into frustration and annoyance.

I realised last night that when my husband tries to talk to me I am so busy sorting through all these thoughts and ideas in my head, I get irritated having to focus on whatever is going on outside of it. Talk about self absorbed. Well I am doing this blog as a solution for that but when I have such busy days like yesterday, where the whole day is filled with work ( as it should be at the office) I feel this volcanic build up, and with no way to get rid of it at home, it really does cause me frustration and anxiety.

I couldn't sleep. I tried reading ( fiction to switch off) but right now, with most of my books in storage I'm reading "The World according to Clarkson" by Jeremy Clarkson

I Love his writing. I find it extremely funny and very thought provoking. So do you see the problem? Thought provoking. When one is trying to tone down the thinking, thought provoking does not help much.

So I ended up almost falling asleep, then daughter wakes up, so I get up. Then I'm wide a friggin wake at bloody midnight on a work night, and frustrated to boot.

Now I recognise these "moods" from earlier years, when I was less self aware. These are the kind of moods that instigate the self destructive behaviour that feeds on itself and creates a viscous circle. So I try and deal with them early, and immediately as they arise.

Some of the successful ways of dealing with them for me is : Go Online. Google every single random thought in my head, until the sheer magnitude of information forces a brain shut down, at which point I can happily go to bed and sleep.

Read a truly Fiction type book, preferably slightly boring or very difficult to understand. ( If I manage to focus and not loose concentration and end up reading the same page 50 times)

Listen to some really Loud aggressive music LOUDLY. ( Hard in a house of sleeping family members)

Or lately, I find blogging, or communicating with others vie skype, email, facebook. Whatever is handy and successful.

Unfortunately my circumstances at home is such at the moment that I can not do any of those things.

I was so desperate to write last night, I even considered doing it in the old fashioned way. Yes with a pen and paper. Can you believe it? My arm got tired and crampy after the first paragraph so I gave up.

Another frustration, other than not having anything to communicate with at home, is the issue of loosing posts/messages/email lately.

Since starting this blog most of my messages, blog posts etc, have not been 5 liners. They've been huge 4000 word essays.

I write as I think. It is a direct thought to Keyboard action. So imagine my absolute HORROR when I keep loosing what I typed, with no way of retrieving it.

COMPUTER!!! My brain is wired differently. As I've written something it immediately gets erased, from my memory to never be captured spontaneously again. So if you also loose it It's Gone MISSING. So when I loose a post or a reply to a letter. That's it. Wild dogs can not drag the same information out of me again. My mind says it's been done, it's been written, get over it.

So I am trying. Reminding myself of Simplicity every day. This is what I strive for in order to achieve Joy and positivity. But I need complicated technology to facilitate my simplicity. Without it I will have to practice writing with pen and paper more often, and send my letters flying off in the wind to be read by the fairies, like I used to do when I was 10 years old.

They never answered. Which means they have quite a lot in common with my current readership, which is absolutely fine with me. I like thinking I am writing for myself. It helps keep things uncomplicated. That said though, feel free to comment in order to open further discussion on any of the topics I have written about. I don't really need the sympathy comments one finds on forums, when you post on personal issues. I have moved beyond needing sympathy, and am also lucky enough that when I do need to vent, and want someone to be there for me I have many friends who I can message or phone.

I love discussions though, I love debating, I love reasoning.

I hope to very soon ( hopefully still later today or early tomorrow do a post about my history with depression, and then also return to the story of Lanee.

As for the unfinished story of my mother, I don't feel any need at the moment to further explore that relationship. I do love her very much, which I guess is why it is all so painful, but I am currently in a good place on that.

Hope my gremlins melt, and I find a way to communicate from home soon.