15 November 2013


I'm not so good with secrets. I had been hiding my return to smoking from my daughter, and it has been eating me up. The constant sneaking behind her back, and also the idea that she might catch me at it, and what that would do to her.

So I decided to talk to her about it, and try to explain it in a more open way. I want to have an open dialogue with her, and in order to achieve that I need to become vulnerable to that too.

She wasn't very happy. She didn't speak to me all the way from school to home, after I told her in the car. And when we got home, later on she told me she wanted to say I am not the best mom in the world anymore. That kind of hurt, but I know it is her 7 year old way of expressing her disappointment in me.

I feel guilty, but kind of relieved that I came clean. I am scared of her ever starting, and I am trying to explain to her how addictive it is, and that it is very hard to quit, and stay away from it when you start, so it is never a good idea to start in the first place.

I wish I didn't have to smoke. I wish it didn't make my depression feel better, and I wish I could stop again. But knowing what I do now, I don't know if I can. I originally stopped for her, so it is a hard blow in that respect, but I am a more patient mother now, and with her going through a lot of stress with school, ADD, and anxiety, I need to be patient now.

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