Inner worlds

When you always run the risk of your next step being straight off a cliff and into the valley of darkest hopeless despair without any warning, you tend to tread lightly. Or as lightly as you can plan.

Half of why the unpredictability of life, the universe, and everything makes me so gosh darn depressed, is because of this problem. Now everyone feels this to a degree. You don't know when someone is gonna be rude to you over the phone, and spoil your day. I internalise this to a horrifying degree though.

For example. Yesterday was a relatively good day. Until I had to give my mother some bad news, and she freaked out taking out all the big insult slinging guns and letting them all go off against me, seeing as she can't hit her real target. She did not just shoot the messenger, she cremated her (me) and I am sure she felt such a relief to get a load of stress of her shoulders at the same time. What better way to de-stress than to take all your crap and load it off on someone else.

Me? I started off calmly understanding that I should not take it personally, and as it escalated, my boundaries started wobbling a bit, then shaking, and finally crumbled, and I took in all of that shit, absorbed it, and whoops back down deep. Hello Valley surfing here we go.

The viscous circle then continues, because now I am walking around on very thin emotional ice, the cracks are actually showing through and I have a whole day of 6 year old acrobatics to still get through, without breaking through that ice.

Where a moment before I had been filled with enough buffer power to be able to function and weather some small storms, it had now been ripped away and I was way over into the red end of this mood spectrum.

I think I managed okay, but I'm on the depressed side again which is so miserably horrible I don't even want to refer to it.

I actually sit here all day every day, in this mind of mine and think of all the things I could and can do that would make me feel better. I even try to do them. Even the ones I don't like to do, or don't have energy for. I actively try to do things that will help me feel more positive. When it doesn't work anymore. That is when it gets scary.

What is most upsetting though is when all that hard worl gets blown away by one person's inconsiderate selfishness. And in one split second all is lost. If I could undo that? If I could stop that from happening. I would be way better able to deal with what my brain and life throws me.

Would you believe?

I think too much. Who would have thought that could be a problem. I'm way to curious, inquisitive, and I think too far. I'm not happy with well enough, or the superficial.
I've always known this is one of the reasons why I struggle with finding happiness. How can I be happy when there is so much unhappiness, unfairness in the world.

This is also why I couldn't be kept contained in a religious paradigm for very long. The New Age one kept me happy longer, but there I encouraged myself consciously to find answers in some way for things I couldn't explain, and for then believing that, just because I thought them up they must be true.

Deep down I always knew that was intellectual laziness. I miss it though. I miss being able to just let go and relax, and find a happy moment.

Why Can't I do it? Is it my meds, my diagnosis? Am I just not good enough? Why is it so difficult to let go of the whole wide world on my shoulders, and focus on what I have.

See I am incredibly grateful for what I have. I live in fear everyday that I might lose it, so I am thankful for having it now.

I try and focus on the happiness, but I keep focusing on the fear of loss. Life has kind of shown me it can kick you in the teeth whenever it wants, and I am like the scared puppy waiting for the kick.

I also realise that life can just as well throw Good Luck our ways, as well as it throws the bad stuff. But for some reason I find that harder to consciously hold onto. Mostly I feel we need to make our own luck, but one is very limited in that regard. How much Free Will do we really have? This is what Sam Harris says in his book Free Will

Take a moment to think about the context in which your next decision will occur: You did not pick your parents or the time and place of your birth. You didn’t choose your gender or most of your life experiences. You had no control whatsoever over your genome or the development of your brain. And now your brain is making choices on the basis of preferences and beliefs that have been hammered into it over a lifetime — by your genes, your physical development since the moment you were conceived, and the interactions you have had with other people, events, and ideas. Where is the freedom in this? Yes, you are free to do what you want even now. But where did your desires come from?

Of Course the Micheal Teachings believe that you do choose all of these things. After long consideration I've had to move away from that believe though. I don't currently believe in any environment before or after death where one could make these choices.

So, I think too much, and I feel too much. I have tried to shut down the feeling part, because if you walk around with your emotions on your sleeve they do get trampled.

I'll probably need years of therapy to sort out all the crap in my head, but I don't have money for years of it.

So I try to just carry on. Then I wonder what kind of a life is that? To just carry on? It's not the kind of life I want, but I really don't know how to change that.

I have started to make changes that will hopefully improve our circumstances.. I'm out there looking for a full time job, so we can move out of here, and find a space of our own. But it feels useless. It feels like I am trying to pour a drop in the ocean, and my efforts are getting lost in there.

So while I just carry on I try to also make things happen, but I feel like I moving through quickly drying cement, and I just can't force my way through. This funk has lasted for so long now, and I have been unhappy about where I am in my life for so long now, I have to wonder if it will ever change.

Three years ago I started studying, believing that a qualification in my field will help me move forward into a career where I could happily provide for us. It hasn't so far. I have received my qualification, but my lack of response to job applications really depresses me.

But I just carry on. I have no choice but to carry on.

Having a hard time

Just a note to say I am having a very hard time at the moment. I'm clinically depressed, but have no more visits on the medical aid left for either the Psychiatrist to up meds, or the psychologist, to pep talk me out of it.

I'm trying my best to focus on some positive stuff, but anyone who has been here knows how impossible that is. I'm at a point where it is a struggle to do even the most basic everyday things like getting out of bed, washing, getting dressed. I'm forcing myself as much as possible to carry on as normal, because if I fall down I might not be able to get up again, and I do have a 6 year old to consider as well.

I'm trying to fake it as much as possible to try and limit the impact on her.
I hope to come back with a more upbeat post soon. For now, I'm just using all my energy for survival.