29 February 2012

Bad Place

I'm just in a bad place right now. I haven't written much. I have one or two posts saved that are incomplete. Dealing with some issues while in the mids of Tax due dates and end of financial year stuff.

Lots of work, very little money. Lots of stress, lots of depression. Can't remember if I ever did the post about having had to go on Anti depressants after stopping smoking... blah blah lots of stuff about nicotine possibly masking depression etc. Well.. I had to go off them again as they made me slightly psychotic. It was a little bit of fun though.... that "Fuck the world" feeling, but it was a lot of scary as well, because I am a mom and responsible for more than just me.

So I am on nothing right now, getting through a very stressful period while I wait for an appointment at a psychiatrist so we can get the hang of my chemical issues once and for all.

Unfortunately there are no pills for sorting out my "surrounded by assholes" issues, and I need to make some hard decisions about my life. Fuck....

Anyhow feeling very blah, and crap and moody and pissed off, and just all around unpleasant to be around at the moment. And I have lost trust in my own judgement. How stupid is that. GAWD they should just lock me up with a straight jacket on.

One thing is for sure. At times like these one really gets a very good idea of who are the good people who surround you and who aren't. So that's me signing off for now. Till I get some answers, and manage to make some slightly less embarrassing sense.

PS. Oh and I found out I could have either Arthritis...or Fybromyalgia Yay...not. More blood tests end of March and rheumatologist end of May

06 February 2012

Low down mucky stickiness

What's really crap about being in a low down depression is

1. Everything you do seems too much effort
2. You feel stuck
3. I don't even feel sad or "depressed" just tired and blah.
4. I'm scared of this 'not feeling' state. It feels like this is how people feel before they do stupid dangerous things.
5. I see Caitlin trying her best to make me react emotionally but I don't know how
6. I can't make the bad thoughts go away
7. Everyone seems to see my reaction of depression as removed from their action in being an asshole. So they say "oh it wasn't me being an asshole that caused it, she's just all screwed up"

Yeah I am but you're still an asshole

No I am not going to jump of a bridge. but fuck it this sucks......
I think it might be the meds making me feel blah. I think i should see a psychiatrist even though I don't have money to pay now.
I want to crawl into a hole. I feel so stupid...so fucking stupid for feeling this

UPDATE: 8 Feb 2012

I started coming out of that funk after 24 hours, could definitely feel a slow improvement. It's quite weird when one pays attention to it. I'm feeling much better, thoughts are normalizing. I did try to force myself to just go on as normal and not just crawl into a hole like I wanted to.

Forcing movement when one feels frozen seems to help.

Now I just need more sleep.

02 February 2012

Corporal punishment

I am going to piss off a lot of people with this post. The type of people I piss off will also be those who can't have a debate without getting personal. And yes the type to get emotional. SO let me get emotional first.

How do you live with yourself after either:
1. taking your anger and frustration out on your child using physical violence or,
2. calmly and coolly using violence to subdue your child's will and thereby proving to him or her that the one who's big and strong is allowed to physically subdue the one who is smaller and weaker.

Not only has pain been shown to only be a short term deterrent, there are hundreds of other philosophies and tools for either discipline or no discipline out there that are more successful.

You can absolutely find a way that not only works for you, but works BETTER than any spanking ever can.

I admit, I get extremely angry when I see people supporting corporal punishment, especially in South Africa, and I know the parents who do this are mostly ( I say MOSTLY)
The same ones who do not advocate car seats, who do not spend enough time with their children, who don't get actively involved in their school lives, who probably still live by the word of the Bible as if it is the only book ever written, and does not question anything that they learned via tradition.

Who probably drink and party on weekends, are not too concerned about drinking and driving. Thinks all "insert race of choice" people are beneath them. In short are caught up in so much irrationality, that no matter how much evidence you present to show them that corporal punishment HARMS your child in the long term they will find a way to justify to themselves that it's okay, because they were spanked and they turned out okay.