18 February 2010

Inner Peace 3

Continuing from Inner peace 1 and 2 discussion on this poem by Saskia Davis

The thing about Inner Peace for me is how fleeting it can be at times. It's only helpful to me as a sanctuary to go to when growth is too hard.

In order to attain my goal of Growth in this lifetime, strive is inevitable. So my inner state, when peacefull does not always convert to my outward state of being. Even though growth is exhausting and sometimes agonising, it is what I am here for. This I am sure of.

If you want to find out more about what Your Goal is I recommend reading a bit on the 7 Goals disussed in the Michael Teachings, if that takes your fancy.

I know I keep coming back to the Michael teachings but it was one of the first pieces of information I found that so completely resonated with me, it has determined my course of Life ever since. I've been a terrible student, and I'm trying to improve on that, only so I can better understand and participate in discussions with those that know the terminology so well.

Anyhow I'll continue where I left off yesterday, and will try to sound a little less self righteous or arrogant ( one of my Chief Features) I hate that one, but I try to rise above it LOL @ Me

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature

Frequent attacks of smiling

I'm putting these 3 together as they are the ones most against my imprinted nature, and the ones that surprise me most when they happen.

My challenge is to feel this when I am NOT in a hypo manic episode. Because when I am, then they come to me easily. When I feel this while not manic it is peaceful, not energetic and overwhelming.

An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

Imagine me, Mrs Control freakishness herself, letting go in this way? Even years ago when Lanee assured me that Arno will find me, and I should let him find me I still could not let go, and acted where I should not have. ( I know I still owe you all that story and I hope to end of a serious week with that "fairytale".

So I find the harder I try to control my environment the less control I have over it. The harder I try and control the actions of others, be it my child, husband, or father ( who I all live with) The less they will do what I want.

The more I try and manipulate my choices to suit me, the less they turn out like I planned, and the more it becomes a question of "be careful what you wish for"

So I have learnt the very hard way to let it go. Let it be. To trust, to ope, to even wish, to project positivity, To count those Chickens before they hatch, but to allow them to hatch by themselves. To Accept, to process. To let it go.

Remember my Depression about the School that wouldn't accept my daughter? This one.

I still feel slightly scared when I think of how badly I was affected by the school saying they don't have space for Cait, after I spent so much time researching schools, visiting them, and then deciding on this one.

I even told myself it was fated that this would be the perfect school as it was the one I was scared to go to, because of ( I later discovered) unfounded rumours I had heard about the owner being terrible.

So it was the last school I saw, the most expensive one, and turned out to be the Best one for me, the most interested in Caitlin, and the closest to our house.

So because I had set my mind on it, made the difficult to really over extend myself financially to put her there, and was then turned down it was like a sucker punch to the gut when the Universe pulled the carpet out from under me.

For a time I thought there must be a meaning I am missing, what must I DO to fix this. I she meant to go elsewhere, but how can that be true if this one felt so right.

One morning after a ton of reading and philosophizing, I decided Screw this. I am sick of over thinking over analysing and worrying about this I can not control. I am leaving it. I am not seeing any more schools, I am not doing another Thing about it until something forces me to.

I forgot about it. I let it go. Then a week later I get a phone call to say they will have space for Caitlin starting 1 March. I couldn't believe it. I was overjoyed, and at the same time I was too scared to be happy. ( I have a pattern of this fear thing)

So I thought, WOW this letting go thing is quite interesting. Wouldn't it be interesting synchronicity if my Husband finds a job and starts the same time as Caitlin. By this time I had also decided to let go of my worries and issues around his job hunting. I was not picking out jobs for him to apply to. He's an adult he can d it himself. I was not pressuring him with ideas like waitering which he has a specific aversion to. I had just let it go.

It was quite interesting to feel that kind of peace. Quite new for me. Then he went for an interview on Monday, I even forgot about that until he dropped of Caitlin at the office.

Less than an hour later he was back. He got the job. He's starting 1 March.

I'm loving this letting go thing. It's the most awesome thing ever. Once again I have been too scared to get Too happy about the job. So I'm letting go once again. I just want to believe that everything will be fantastic and we are entering into the hope and excitement I always knew this year would bring.

An increased susceptibility to love extended by others and the uncontrollable urge to extend it

I have always been a very empathetic person. To a negative point where I would take on energy experienced by another, and have trouble to cleans myself.

Lately it's been a more softer feeling of Love, respect and appreciation for every other life form. I still get angry and frustrated at others at times, but mostly I remind myself of all the things I discuss here, and I'm less challenged.

Love really is important in this existence. Unconditional, pure, non physical, overwhelming, non commercialised. Not only the emotion, but the energy. Not only feeling it towards another, but feeling and accepting it from another too.

To me, Love, peace and happiness are very much synonymous.


  1. Nice to come across this blog. Yes, I've had depression a lot of my life too and been into the MT. The thing that resonates with me is that depression is the expression of a lack of connection with the true self. Arrogance is really just one aspect of that - every chief feature is based on it.

    You may also like http://www.polarisrising.com/arrogance-the-fear-of-vulnerability.html

    nice to 'meet' you!

  2. Thank you so much for your comment and that link Matthew. I read the first 3 lines and had a little bit of an Ah Ha moment right there. I guess this is one of the reasons I am forcing myself to put my thoughts out there, it does bring me closer to my True self, as I can look at what I wrote and say to myself " Are you SURE" LOL

    I think I should put this blog with a warning.. "Growth in progress all Ideas my change overnight."

    Thank you again for the comment