18 March 2013


I can't remember if I've talked about my dad's drinking here. It has always been excessive  Until he is drunk out of his head. Barely able to walk, and completely out of it. He also has black outs about his behavior.
Luckily he isn't violent, but he does extremely embarrassing things.

I've always hated hated hated his drinking. I remember when I was around 12, him having to pull over on a highway to throw up. He drove drunk a lot, and I always thought this is the night we're gonna die.

To live with that stress as a child is so damaging.

Since moving in with him I've had to face his drinking again. It was every single night, until he was sufficiently drunk to struggle his way upstairs and pass out on his bed. He'd then spend the night singing, talking, fighting, and walking in his sleep.

I never thought he quite, but he did. about 2 moths ago. And according to him had absolutely no withdrawal symptoms, and cravings. Although he replaced his drinking alcohol, with drinking cool drinks.

I was glad he stopped, but I still have a lot of anger about his drinking. It will take time to get over that.

Then last night he drank again. I spent a big part of the night hearing him freak out in his bedroom. Luckily he wasn't able to unlock his bedroom door in the state he was in. It makes me sick. It absolutely horrifies me, and makes me incredibly angry.

I've been walking on eggshells, expecting it. I've been checking up on him occasionally to make sure he wasn't sneaking alcohol, but last night he was open and blatant about it.

I'm sick about it. I hope it was a once off thing, because if it wasn't I don't know if I can stand it. I don't know what I will be able to do, but I think I'd take a lower paying job, just to get some way of moving out of here. I might have to lose my medical aid, which means loosing my meds and therapy, but I can't go on like this. I can't stand it.

On a positive note, I have been feeling less depressed on the new dose of meds, which is great. It makes it slightly easier to handle all the other crap.

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