Checking in

It has been a while since my last post. I haven't been very busy I've just not had anything I felt like writing about.

My dad is still drinking, and I am still angry and hurt about it, but if I keep focusing on that I'll go insane. I allowed myself to be hopeful when he stopped, but I shouldn't have.

A friend of mine has encouraged me to start a Facebook group advertising my business, and within the first day I had 2 inquiries  One of them panned out and I am very relieved. I have an interview on Monday for the other one.

Mood wise things are going well. I am quite stable. On the normal side of things. Level and feeling good. Thank you medication.

I really don't have much to write about. Therapy is good. today we just had a general session without a real theme. It was fun to talk about a lot of different things. We need to revisit my feeling worthlessness. It's still there. I seldom feel good enough for anything.

I'm feeling lighter again though. Scared the bubble bursts, but seeing as this isn't a bipolar high I hope it lasts for a long time.

Forgive and forget

My last therapy session focused a lot on forgiveness, and building bridges that were burnt down, between me and some people. I had to try to make a mental list of which bridges I would like to rebuild and then tackle those relationships, sacrifice my pride, even when I had been right, and try to build those relationships again.

The hardest part has been deciding which were truly toxic relationships, which I should be glad and relieved are over, and which should I salvage, if any. 

Firstly because I live with my dad, I have been trying to be more positive, and try to see his good parts instead of constantly focusing on the bad ones. Instead of expecting him to freak out at me everyday, like he mostly does, I have been trying to be nice, and friendly, even if I don't feel it.

It has made a huge difference, and I had just started to feel good about this relationship again, when he told me today he can't sleep at night, he's going to drink a bottle of wine tonight.

I begged him, pleaded with him, to Please please not do it. If not for himself for me. He has completely disregarded my pleas, has immediately started picking fights with me about everything, and I can barely look him in the eye now. 

I can't do this again. I don't know how to get out of this, but I can't stand this again.

Alcoholism

I can't remember if I've talked about my dad's drinking here. It has always been excessive  Until he is drunk out of his head. Barely able to walk, and completely out of it. He also has black outs about his behavior.
Luckily he isn't violent, but he does extremely embarrassing things.

I've always hated hated hated his drinking. I remember when I was around 12, him having to pull over on a highway to throw up. He drove drunk a lot, and I always thought this is the night we're gonna die.

To live with that stress as a child is so damaging.

Since moving in with him I've had to face his drinking again. It was every single night, until he was sufficiently drunk to struggle his way upstairs and pass out on his bed. He'd then spend the night singing, talking, fighting, and walking in his sleep.

I never thought he quite, but he did. about 2 moths ago. And according to him had absolutely no withdrawal symptoms, and cravings. Although he replaced his drinking alcohol, with drinking cool drinks.

I was glad he stopped, but I still have a lot of anger about his drinking. It will take time to get over that.

Then last night he drank again. I spent a big part of the night hearing him freak out in his bedroom. Luckily he wasn't able to unlock his bedroom door in the state he was in. It makes me sick. It absolutely horrifies me, and makes me incredibly angry.

I've been walking on eggshells, expecting it. I've been checking up on him occasionally to make sure he wasn't sneaking alcohol, but last night he was open and blatant about it.

I'm sick about it. I hope it was a once off thing, because if it wasn't I don't know if I can stand it. I don't know what I will be able to do, but I think I'd take a lower paying job, just to get some way of moving out of here. I might have to lose my medical aid, which means loosing my meds and therapy, but I can't go on like this. I can't stand it.

On a positive note, I have been feeling less depressed on the new dose of meds, which is great. It makes it slightly easier to handle all the other crap.