05 August 2013

No, no, no, no, no

I've been in denial... I'm breaking down again.

I've been trying to hide it from myself, and everyone else, but I'm not all of a sudden just falling apart just today. It's been happening for at least 3 weeks already.

The crap thing is, if I could admit it to myself I could have discussed it with my therapist before our last session last week. But no, I had to be the strong one. Everything is okay with me. It's my old pattern of how do I get to the lowest point of despair without realising, or letting other people realise.

It's the game of, Hey I'm Fine, how are YOU?

I'm a talker, I talk about myself. There are people I talk to when I'm not feeling good, so how did this slip in without being discussed. The only way is because I have been ignoring what it really is.

Something that can be dangerous. I have used the words, "This is overwhelming", to friends, and to my therapist to describe what I have been going through with Caitlin, but no one knows of the other thing, and so it seems that while someone can recognise that something is overwhelming, they are still okay,.

But I'm not. I'm cracking now. I have been overwhelmed. I can't stay standing right now. I don't know what to do, and there's a certain bit of panic involved. I struggle to function right now. This has been way too much. I just can't handle everything. I just want to lie down and give up.

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