15 February 2013

I am Angry

I am going to try to explain what I am currently experiencing, and how I'm affected by the things I realised and posted about yesterday 

I always feel like I am such a whiner when I write on here, but I do intellectually know that what I am trying to accomplish here is a bit of self therapy. And that is basically whining in a safe environment and hoping those whines brings me into new realisations about myself, or my situation.

So What happened yesterday? I have known. Intellectually  without a doubt, and had it confirmed by therapists that my mother is a narcissist. It's so bad, and her hold over me and our family is so bad I am typing this with a hole of fear in my belly, that this blog will reach her, or reach them, my family, in some way. 
There's a white hot hole of burning fear. 

Before reading the Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers I couldn't pin point exactly Why the fear. Other than the fact that I seem to be the only sane one in a very strange family dynamic. And then as soon as I say that a thought would pop up. [ They can't ALL be crazy. It is much more likely that you are, and they are right]

 I am Angry. I am pissed off. I am seething. and I am still torn. I have read that link, I know WHY I am where I am but I still have a voice in my head saying [excuses excuses. You're just a looser and looking for something to blame it on]

I guess that is what abuse does. I have this really quiet voice saying all this stuff, and I believe it, because a child believes it's parents.

That voice is making it really difficult for me to get anything meaningful written right now, but here goes. 
I am angry that my mother abused me emotionally, psychologically and physically ( severe spanking) {and the voice says, you're just a whiny baby looking for attention]
I am angry that my father, in being trained as her lapdog has perpetuated, and instigated some of these abuses himself, and still does. 
I am angry that he doesn't see anything wrong with any of that.
I am angry that I always get used by my mother and father, and that I always capitulate when I get manipulated into a corner by them [but they do so much for you. Your mother does everything for you]
I am angry that they have turned my golden child brothers into fellow abusers, and that my mother, by her lies, and twisted gossip about me has also made my whole family think of me as the looser she says I am
I am angry that no one else can see this.
I am angry that I am dependent on her for a roof over my head, and that due to me falling for her false promises and renewed manipulations I have lost the guts to get out of here. 
I am angry for being shit scared of failing, and for failing by being too scared to even try.

I just want to be okay. I just want to be normal

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