Balance

I have this inherent uncomfortableness when someone does something for me.
In the first place it doesn't really feel like I deserve it. I feel awkward about it. I feel like I have to immediately balance the scales and pay it back.

I struggle to ask for help then. I know I need help lots and lots of the time, but I struggle to ask, and when I do ask I feel incredibly guilty. I can't quite get my mind around give and take, if there's just a give.

Strangely enough when I help someone else, or give them something I don't expect anything in return. I honestly Like to help and always wish I could do more for those who need help. If possible I like to keep it as anonymous as possible in order to not create the same duality in them that I have. Not even sure if duality is the right word. But I do feel torn between being very grateful, and feeling not worthy, and in need to paying it back as soon as possible.

I just can't let it go. I think this is why I like therapy so much. I pay you, and you listen to all my gripes. I feel bad to vent to friends. It feels like I am dragging them down. Even on this blog I have been struggling to write regularly, because I have some terribly dark days. Even darker than I have written about in the past, but because I don't want to put that load onto someone else, I refrain from writing, when writing is the best way to get rid of some of the darkness.

It feels like by making someone listen to my vents I owe them something. I have taken something and need to pay it back.

I can go back and blame this on some of the things I got used to when growing up. Always being expected to "pay back" when I received anything. It got stuck, and I don't think it is always a bad thing, but it is a bad thing when you are empty and have nothing to give, and need help. So don't do it.