30 September 2013

Stopping smoking...again: A Two Year Journey

I slipped. 13 October will be 2 years since I quit smoking, and I slipped.

Quitting smoking was not as easy and straight forward as I thought it was. I just re-read this posts.one, and two. I sounded a bit sanctimonious I think.

The truth is, when I stopped smoking my brain went into chaos mode. I can't remember how long it was after I stopped that I begged my GP to give me anti depressants. Because that was the first thing that hit. Depression.

I was also very anxious, frustrated, and had a severe lack of concentration, which I still have today.

Now I know better about Anti depressants. They can be really bad for anyone who has Bipolar Disorder. It was only when the anti depressants made me near psychotic that I finally found the help I needed, and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

At first I thought treating the bipolar would treat all of my issues, and that would be that. But it wasn't.
I have gone through a journey of up and downs with mental health issues, and if I wanted to actually go through the trouble of re-reading my whole blog, I think it should be obvious that things turned darker after the stopping smoking.

I had lighter days, but there were many many times I wondered if it would all be so much easier to just start to smoke again. Give my brain the chemical that it has become dependent on. Regain my concentration, my memory. Have less anxiety.

But I have fought the evil thoughts. I fought and I won.

Then I lost.

Recently I have been going through something really really serious, and something I can't talk about. And I process by talking/writing/sharing.

It has been very difficult for me to process, and even the anti anxiety tablets that the psychologist prescribed didn't do a thing. But one night in desperation I smoked a ciggie, and it worked.

It helped me calm down.

So a week later the same thing happened again, and a few days later again. And then yesterday I smoked 3 times. Two cigarettes every time.

And now Junkie thinking is plaguing me. I know deep down I do not want to smoke again. For all the reasons I initially stopped, the most important being, I want to live longer for my daughter's sake.

But since I stopped I gained 30kg's, turned insulin resistant, and now recently developed chronic high blood pressure out of the blue.

It's like all the sacrifice I made to quit, has been for nothing.And now with the current helath issues I would really kill myself if I started smoking, or rather continued smoking again.

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