04 January 2010

Life before and after

Update 26 Jan 2011

I don't think I am Bipolar anymore. I think I have strange up's and downs, and I am probably chemically depressed, but I think people who are seriously suffering under bipolar disorder might be offended by my self diagnosis. For if I am it is very slightly.

I also think I have been handling it well, but might do better if I admitted more of my weaknesses to myself. That's a discussion for a different day though


Life before I discovered I was Bipolar consisted of normal periods with some very low Depressing lows. Where I was stuck in the dark oily depths of downriver. I knew it was depression. I knew it would pass. I was kind to myself, having been through the therapy and medication route. I had the skills to get through it. I made myself move along and then magically I would wake up one morning, hear a song, talk to a friend, and the darkness was gone.

A lot like the weather in Cape Town, I could never predict the dark times.

I could try and avoid it by not pondering too much on whatever was going on in my life that triggered it, or wallowing in it. Usually the darkness got shattered by overwhelming Joy and Happiness. By the thrill of Life. By periods of Immense Love, Gratitude, and feelings of "I can conquer all" I thought that was good. I wanted that. I still do. I LOVE it. I love the sparkle, the dance, the energy. I love waking up with a song in my mind and a outlook of pure ecstasy at the smallest thing.

I didn't like when the happy energetic medium turned to a flood of frustrated wants and needs, impossible to identify and even harder to satisfy. When I'm sitting wide awake and ready for a party at 1am, and everyone is sleeping. When I am all energised with no where to go. No where to get rid of the itch. Where something, anything exciting had to happen or be created by me in that exact moment.

In between there was calm and there was Joy, but no itch. No frazzle, no frustration, no darkness.

Then the Sunflower Fairy opened my eyes. I never realised what this was. I attributed it to being Libran. To being an old soul. To being spiritually advance as well as lacking. To being.

When I was diagnosed with Depression ( severe), Social Phobia ( not too bad), OCD ( Very specific and never quite fit) I was also medicated ( WOW what a high. LOVED it)
I also did Group Therapy ( So glad I'm not as Messed up as THOSE people)

I did this dance of meds and therapy for 2 years, until I felt able and willing to go it alone. Left therapy. Stayed on the meds. But only up to a point. Then I weaned myself.

Knowing what I do now, I guess going off the Anti-depressant/ Anti-Anxiety meds probably saved my life.

I had done most of my most scarily self destructive things while on Anti=Depressants, and while being on a BiP high. I know it now, didn't know it then.

After my 2nd Suicide attempt I told the dr. I am not depressed. I did it to get attention. He believed me. Maybe I should have told him I did it to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING I was shouting. I need a THRILL. I need to be seen, I need to be heard. I need to EXPLODE. I was intoxicated at the time. Oh how glorious is alcohol. Lifts me right up into BiP high. quite effectively, the only times it doesn't it just puts me to sleep.

So Now I guess it's life after realising the truth about my brain chemicals. And now I see everything quite clearly. For awhile there, just the knowledge of what was going on in my head has been enough to lift me a fraction above normal. I can do this. I can fight this. I am not too bad. I am a responsible adult. I am a mother. My child needs me to beat this.

But it's quite difficult living with the physical symptoms and knowing it can last awhile. I've been very much upriver for the last few weeks. With one or two physical down days. And then this week. I'm physically drained. I feel like a heavy stone thrown in a river. There's no buoyancy at all. I've sunk. I'm right at the bottom. Mentally I am Not depressed. But physically I am tired, drained, and struggling to function.

I hope to get past this within the next week. I need a bit of up. I like Up. Not too high. Not frazzled. Just not so physically tired.

Welcome to my Journey. I need to put it in words in order to figure out myself. I'm trying to find me, keep me and not loose me again. I did that one for a couple of years.

I'm finding me.


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