I've been having the most ridiculous technological gremlins. I'm loosing emails, blog posts etc left right and centre. I've also been extremely frustrated with my lack of internet at home, or even just a notebook so I can write all these words building up inside of me.
My mind is going a 100 miles a minute, and when I can't type it all out it kind of builds up into frustration and annoyance.
I realised last night that when my husband tries to talk to me I am so busy sorting through all these thoughts and ideas in my head, I get irritated having to focus on whatever is going on outside of it. Talk about self absorbed. Well I am doing this blog as a solution for that but when I have such busy days like yesterday, where the whole day is filled with work ( as it should be at the office) I feel this volcanic build up, and with no way to get rid of it at home, it really does cause me frustration and anxiety.
I couldn't sleep. I tried reading ( fiction to switch off) but right now, with most of my books in storage I'm reading "The World according to Clarkson" by Jeremy Clarkson
I Love his writing. I find it extremely funny and very thought provoking. So do you see the problem? Thought provoking. When one is trying to tone down the thinking, thought provoking does not help much.
So I ended up almost falling asleep, then daughter wakes up, so I get up. Then I'm wide a friggin wake at bloody midnight on a work night, and frustrated to boot.
Now I recognise these "moods" from earlier years, when I was less self aware. These are the kind of moods that instigate the self destructive behaviour that feeds on itself and creates a viscous circle. So I try and deal with them early, and immediately as they arise.
Some of the successful ways of dealing with them for me is : Go Online. Google every single random thought in my head, until the sheer magnitude of information forces a brain shut down, at which point I can happily go to bed and sleep.
Read a truly Fiction type book, preferably slightly boring or very difficult to understand. ( If I manage to focus and not loose concentration and end up reading the same page 50 times)
Listen to some really Loud aggressive music LOUDLY. ( Hard in a house of sleeping family members)
Or lately, I find blogging, or communicating with others vie skype, email, facebook. Whatever is handy and successful.
Unfortunately my circumstances at home is such at the moment that I can not do any of those things.
I was so desperate to write last night, I even considered doing it in the old fashioned way. Yes with a pen and paper. Can you believe it? My arm got tired and crampy after the first paragraph so I gave up.
Another frustration, other than not having anything to communicate with at home, is the issue of loosing posts/messages/email lately.
Since starting this blog most of my messages, blog posts etc, have not been 5 liners. They've been huge 4000 word essays.
I write as I think. It is a direct thought to Keyboard action. So imagine my absolute HORROR when I keep loosing what I typed, with no way of retrieving it.
COMPUTER!!! My brain is wired differently. As I've written something it immediately gets erased, from my memory to never be captured spontaneously again. So if you also loose it It's Gone MISSING. So when I loose a post or a reply to a letter. That's it. Wild dogs can not drag the same information out of me again. My mind says it's been done, it's been written, get over it.
So I am trying. Reminding myself of Simplicity every day. This is what I strive for in order to achieve Joy and positivity. But I need complicated technology to facilitate my simplicity. Without it I will have to practice writing with pen and paper more often, and send my letters flying off in the wind to be read by the fairies, like I used to do when I was 10 years old.
They never answered. Which means they have quite a lot in common with my current readership, which is absolutely fine with me. I like thinking I am writing for myself. It helps keep things uncomplicated. That said though, feel free to comment in order to open further discussion on any of the topics I have written about. I don't really need the sympathy comments one finds on forums, when you post on personal issues. I have moved beyond needing sympathy, and am also lucky enough that when I do need to vent, and want someone to be there for me I have many friends who I can message or phone.
I love discussions though, I love debating, I love reasoning.
I hope to very soon ( hopefully still later today or early tomorrow do a post about my history with depression, and then also return to the story of Lanee.
As for the unfinished story of my mother, I don't feel any need at the moment to further explore that relationship. I do love her very much, which I guess is why it is all so painful, but I am currently in a good place on that.
Hope my gremlins melt, and I find a way to communicate from home soon.