Falling to Pieces

Literally

I expect a leg or arm to fall of soon. I honestly stopped smoking in order to be healthier and not get sick so often and be there for my daughter for longer, but since then. Flipping Hell. It's been one thing after the other.

I've never listed them all in one go so here goes. And please. This is just me. I've not lead a really healthy lifestyle, so I guess as I get older I reap the years of sloth. So this is by no means to discourage anyone from stopping smoking.

1. Failed a Lung Capacity test this morning. I most probably now have Asthma again

2. Bipolar, which was not caused by stopping smoking but aggravated by it

3. UTI, which I have so often it';s not even a surprise anymore - only thing not related to smoking I guess

4. Need a Gastroscopy, I have a possible stomache Ulcer. I guess we can Hopefully rule out Cancer because of nr

5. Gained a Shit Load of weight in a short period which means

6. (pending blood test results) I am now once again most probably Insulin resistant.

So there you go Kids. THAT is why you should not smoke. EVER

oh and

7. I need some serious dental work but way too poor after the above, and way to scared of dentists. So toothaches can wait.

What I am thankful for is that I have a fantastic GP who is helping me through everything step by step, encouraging me to forget about the weight for now until we sort out all the other crap, and making me feel looked after.

And that since I am on the Bipolar meds I have started to actually feel okay emotionally. I'm normalizing here. spreading out, coping, breathing. No freaking out.

Being Me, Is hard

It is difficult but you are doing it to yourself.

you are purposely pushing people away by being unapproachable, moody, and atheist.

This is some of what I have had to hear lately. It's not completely untrue. Actually it's pretty much spot on.

I am being myself. I am trying to not consider, or when I consider trying to ignore, how what I post on Facebook or Twitter, and what I say and do will make others think of me.

I've always wanted to please others,

from previous post

"First one: I'm much too concerned about pleasing people, and being liked. No matter how much I tell myself I have worked out my self esteem issues, it's still there."

So that's a thing I have. So even though it doesn't seem that way it takes a hell of a lot of guts, cringing doubt induced fear and terror for me to go out and say and do what I do. To be myself, and be in your face about it. But I do it.

It takes a boat load of effort, cringing terror and nerve wracking fear to go out and apologise when I know I am wrong, but I do it.

It breaks my soft, silly-putty heart, every time I lose one more friend or one more family member.

I cringe into the ground whenever I write yet one more over sharing personal status on Facebook or Twitter.

So why do I do it? I've been asked. Why don't I just stop.

I guess some part of it is just knowing that sharing is what I do. It's what I need to do. When I don't share I get all wrapped up in myself and closed off.

I like sharing.

I like to know what goes on with people and I like them to know what goes on with me.

We're all human and as long as we hide our humanness we perpetuate this fallacy of perfection.

I share atheist and Anti-Theist posts as well as LGBT Rights and Anti-Spanking posts because that's the stuff I believe in guys. That's what I am passionate about.

Being Atheist is a little bit like Being Gay. You can't really hide it forever, but you never know who's gonna be okay with it and who isn't. And when you're an over sharer like I am it makes it even more impossible to hide.

I just gotta be myself, flaming, annoying, irritating Atheist, and hope it broadens a paradigm here and there.

I am not THE Atheist. I'm not even that clued up with all the atheist rhetoric etc. I didn't come to it by reading a book. The books came to me after I got there, so I like sharing the really cool annoying to christian quotes etc. Cause it's just as new to me, and it reinforces what I came to on my own.

Update on the Bipolar II and meds: 20/03/2012

Feeling okay. on 25mg Epitec and 1mg Fluanxol

Get these intense periods of exhaustion but they pass again. Gonna try getting some excersize today.

Diagnosed..Finally

So last Thursday I was finally diagnosed. What I had been suspecting for about 2 years was correct. I have Bipolar Type II Mood Disorder.

I'm relieved that I know for sure now. I suspected it every time I felt bad and out of control, but when I felt good ( which was for pretty long periods) I felt fine.

It's a dangerous game though because the constant malfunctioning of brain chemicals that went untreated shorted out my pain sensors and now I have Fybromyalgia as well.

The Good News is I can now start on Medication and move forward. Get better. I have a set of rules, that If I stick to them I will be okay.

My Family and friends know, as they are obviously affected as well. This is good. Moving forward is good. I hope the meds are good. For the moment I feel more relaxed, but sacrificed my drive to get stuff done. The franticness is good to make you perform under pressure. With no pressure I feel a bit slow, and a bit too blah.

This is good though. This is better than where I have been for a long time.

Angry

I'm angry. I am very very angry. I am so angry I scare myself.

I feel pathetic. I realise I am having a slightly embarrassing public breakdown but fuck it..that's who I am.

I really would like some kind of escape. I've been watching TV series again, every single night. I used TV and books as my escape when I was a child, but I hadn't watched TV this consistently for a long time. It's the only thing I can do now.

I can't handle any kind of human interaction right now. I try to fake it when I have to. At school when picking up Caitlin. With most friends. a very tiny few know how hard it is for me. Or I think they know how hard it is.

The rest , well I think I fake it well enough.

What they don't know is how every single breath I take is so painful I feel my chest is going to explode. I want to scream and tear my hair out and stab something and kick something and get all this anger out, but I can't.

So I tune out. My mind actually tunes out. I can't focus I can't concentrate, I can't think. I float. I escape. I don't feel angry I feel tired. I'm okay. Until someone talks to me. Until I have to interact with another human being. Most people are okay but right now the ones closest to me seem to anger me the most.

Okay so yeah... there is sane me, that knows this is repressed anger, it's cause I keep running away from dealing with it that it has reached these proportions. But crazy me don't give a fuck, and wants her guitar, wants to be pounding those power cords, forgetting about responsibilities, and get stoned, play music, and fuck the world.

I AM NOT who I am.

I have done what was expected of me and look where it got me?!!!

I have played by the rules and look where it got me.

I have sacrificed myself, and look where it got me.

I DO NOT want this. This is NOT me.

I haven't seen me in a long time. This is me that I created because I put too much value into what other people think.

I don't want people anymore. I want me

Fuck it I can't even make sense to myself

Help needed

I need help. I admit it. For too long I have been the one who helps. My family, my friends. Now I need help.

I wrote about the massive breakdown I had many years ago during which I tried to commit suicide. I'm showing similar signs again. I can see it. It scares the crap out of me. I can recognise it I can write about it, only because I have a really good neighbour who just talked me down and after I had 2 glasses of wine.

I feel that craving for recklessness, I wanted to smoke again, I want to do drugs, I want to escape. I need to get out away, express my anger frustration. I am itchy on the inside, but it is slightly different than it was then.

I have a daughter, and I am torn into the person who feels that self destruction and is barely able to subdue it, and the person who is a mother with a lot of years experience in being a bit wacky and knows what to do not to crack.

So I went to my neighbour who has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar II, and we talked. I am seeing the psychiatrist on Thursday. I need to hold out. I need to hold on. I need to not hurt anyone, including myself until then.

I don't want to start smoking again but sometimes it feels like all this crap started because I quit. I don't want to drink too much but right now that's all I have to take the edge off. I need the edge off. I did not ever think I would be right here again, but here I am. :(