20 March 2012

Being Me, Is hard

It is difficult but you are doing it to yourself.
you are purposely pushing people away by being unapproachable, moody, and atheist.

This is some of what I have had to hear lately. It's not completely untrue. Actually it's pretty much spot on.

I am being myself. I am trying to not consider, or when I consider trying to ignore, how what I post on Facebook or Twitter, and what I say and do will make others think of me.

I've always wanted to please others,

"First one: I'm much too concerned about pleasing people, and being liked. No matter how much I tell myself I have worked out my self esteem issues, it's still there."

So that's a thing I have. So even though it doesn't seem that way it takes a hell of a lot of guts, cringing doubt induced fear and terror for me to go out and say and do what I do. To be myself, and be in your face about it. But I do it.

It takes a boat load of effort, cringing terror and nerve wracking fear to go out and apologise when I know I am wrong, but I do it.

It breaks my soft, silly-putty heart, every time I lose one more friend or one more family member.

I cringe into the ground whenever I write yet one more over sharing personal status on Facebook or Twitter.

So why do I do it? I've been asked. Why don't I just stop.

I guess some part of it is just knowing that sharing is what I do. It's what I need to do. When I don't share I get all wrapped up in myself and closed off.
I like sharing.
I like to know what goes on with people and I like them to know what goes on with me.

We're all human and as long as we hide our humanness we perpetuate this fallacy of perfection.

I share atheist and Anti-Theist posts as well as LGBT Rights and Anti-Spanking posts because that's the stuff I believe in guys. That's what I am passionate about.

Being Atheist is a little bit like Being Gay. You can't really hide it forever, but you never know who's gonna be okay with it and who isn't. And when you're an over sharer like I am it makes it even more impossible to hide.

I just gotta be myself, flaming, annoying, irritating Atheist, and hope it broadens a paradigm here and there.

I am not THE Atheist. I'm not even that clued up with all the atheist rhetoric etc. I didn't come to it by reading a book. The books came to me after I got there, so I like sharing the really cool annoying to christian quotes etc. Cause it's just as new to me, and it reinforces what I came to on my own.

Update on the Bipolar II and meds: 20/03/2012
Feeling okay. on 25mg Epitec and 1mg Fluanxol
Get these intense periods of exhaustion but they pass again. Gonna try getting some excersize today.

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