Medication Pro's and con's

This is not a medical blog and I very rarely post any real facts. It's all just opinion and my point of view.
After a long journey to find the right dose of medication I was extremely happy when it happened. I'm on 1mg Fluanxol, and 200mg Epitec.

I've felt quite stable on it, but I had also been seeing a psychologist. Those who've been the meds and psychologist route knows how well it can make you feel to be able to unload every week. To get a good dose of reality check, mixed with pep talk, and some really hard self exploration.

So I want to say meds came first and then came therapy, but I'm not sure. My psychologist is very skeptical of my bipolar diagnosis, and I don't blame him. The Psychologist who saw me before meds is quite convinced about the diagnosis, so a bit of a catch 22 situation.

For the 10 weeks I saw my psychologist I was pretty stable. Had some little lows and one little high, but pretty much stable. I felt okay. I managed to snap out of any moods relatively quickly, I think. My concentration has been getting better. My productivity has been getting better. I have improved in a lot of ways that have little to do with strictly mood, and I'm not sure what the effects of psycho therapy has on actual physical concentration issues.

So all in all one has to say that the medication has had a positive effect, and an actual chemical issue has been, if not solved, at least improved.

The test of Bipolar II in many cases seems to be "If the meds work, then we know for sure" It seems it is a very slippery one to diagnose, especially when, like me, one is on the lower end of the scale. The problem is even the lower end of the scale has a big influence on your life, happiness, and ability to lead a satisfying existence. It influences your relationships and it contaminates every thought.

The problem is I am experiencing some apathy. I've always despised apathy. I just can't seem get out of it, and it is becoming more noticeable  Great when it means I don't go into a really low down down deep depression, but it doesn't seem to be able to completely prevent that. It just prevents me from experiencing Joy and Excitement, and steals my happiness.

I constantly feel just subnormal. If normal was 5, and hypo manic was 10, and deep depression was 0 I feel like I'm on 4, most of the time. I can go up to 7 and I can go down to 3. But it would be an angry 7, I don't seem to be able to do a happy 7. But I am stuck on 4, and have been for some time.

The question I need to ask is: " Is it the medication, or is it my crappy life and history?" My psychologist is convinced it is the second, but like I discussed above, there is proof or at least soft signs, that the medication is there, and is doing some good. Might it not also be that the medication could be having some negative effect. Or is this what normal feels like. Is my natural mood pessimism?

I have heard Bipolar sufferers complain about that exact effect of the medication. I now have to figure things out on my own because my medical aid doesn't pay for more psych visits till next year, and I can't afford any visits either.

I'm trying to take some positive steps to improve my situation. I need to fix some of the big obvious crappy life issues, in order to find some success and happiness. I have worked hard to grow my experience and knowledge, so it might be time to give up on being self employed, and look for an actual paying job. I feel slightly more able to deal with other people,in a work situation, so I am hopeful that this will be a possibility. Unless of course my current workload increases sufficiently to provide for us financially.

These are the thoughts I struggle with at the moment. The apathy is making it more difficult to write as well, so I might be slower with that for a while. I find at least I can fake some enthusiasm with most people, but not myself. I probably just come across as really relaxed, but I can't describe this as relaxation. Inner anxious dialogue is still there. I just don't feel it.

Finding my Normal

This bipolar thing is still a bit of a mental adjustment to me. For a little more than the time I started this blog in 2010 I think, I've suspected I have Bipolar II. I have a lot of the common "symptoms". I'm also a unique individual with my own interesting brand of crazy.

I am trying to focus on me, how I am at any given time, and even halfheartedly using an android app to track my moods. I have certain tools to my disposal. Yesterday was a very dark mood day, as was apparent by my post. But I know that when I feel like that I need to express, otherwise it festers. So after posting the blog I also chatted to a friend about what happened, and it seemed to have enabled me to move on. I feel on the better side of low today.

There's so much to read on the topic, even the psychiatrist gave me a book to read. Little secret, my concentration still sucks so I am only capable of a very little reading. 

The thing is I sigh and walk away when I see one more bipolar blog (haha how ironic) Or one more mental health article. They all say the same crap in the same way blah blah blah

Then I found Natasha Tracy. She writes so well, and I absolutely love all the different articles, so I'll probably be sharing a few. I'm not sure what the protocol is with that in the blogosphere.but this is one of my favourites: Mental Illness - What is normal anyway?

On the other hand I can't be too hard on bipolar blogs ( like this one seems to be turning into again....yuck) they did help me ask myself those tough questions that led me to my eventual diagnosis and asking for help. Lets just be clear about this blog though. If it manages to help someone else, Great. But it is mainly my own exploration of myself. It is me finding me. SO I have no delusions about saving the world through my half assed writing.

Of course the internet is full of scary facts around any health topic so one needs to tread with caution. Right now I am terribly scared that my almost 6 year old is exhibiting more and more signs of probable childhood onset bipolar.

I was on meds while pregnant with her, and with my genetics, she has something like a 25%  chance. She has all my other crappy genetic traits. A-topic dermatitis, and asthma. She looks like a mini me. She could have been cloned for that matter.

I hope this one passes her by. I look at her having severe mood-swings and anger outbursts for absolutely no reason and wonder. I just wonder. I kinda hope she's just a brat. I'm also scared this is her acting out because of me,

I've tried to buffer her from my worst days, but she's not always been completely out of the line of fire. I try my best. We don't spank, we do positive parenting. I try to be firm but gentle and loving. Anyhow this aint a parenting blog either. Let me get on with my day, and you with yours. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment

Being Me, Is hard

It is difficult but you are doing it to yourself.

you are purposely pushing people away by being unapproachable, moody, and atheist.

This is some of what I have had to hear lately. It's not completely untrue. Actually it's pretty much spot on.

I am being myself. I am trying to not consider, or when I consider trying to ignore, how what I post on Facebook or Twitter, and what I say and do will make others think of me.

I've always wanted to please others,

from previous post

"First one: I'm much too concerned about pleasing people, and being liked. No matter how much I tell myself I have worked out my self esteem issues, it's still there."

So that's a thing I have. So even though it doesn't seem that way it takes a hell of a lot of guts, cringing doubt induced fear and terror for me to go out and say and do what I do. To be myself, and be in your face about it. But I do it.

It takes a boat load of effort, cringing terror and nerve wracking fear to go out and apologise when I know I am wrong, but I do it.

It breaks my soft, silly-putty heart, every time I lose one more friend or one more family member.

I cringe into the ground whenever I write yet one more over sharing personal status on Facebook or Twitter.

So why do I do it? I've been asked. Why don't I just stop.

I guess some part of it is just knowing that sharing is what I do. It's what I need to do. When I don't share I get all wrapped up in myself and closed off.

I like sharing.

I like to know what goes on with people and I like them to know what goes on with me.

We're all human and as long as we hide our humanness we perpetuate this fallacy of perfection.

I share atheist and Anti-Theist posts as well as LGBT Rights and Anti-Spanking posts because that's the stuff I believe in guys. That's what I am passionate about.

Being Atheist is a little bit like Being Gay. You can't really hide it forever, but you never know who's gonna be okay with it and who isn't. And when you're an over sharer like I am it makes it even more impossible to hide.

I just gotta be myself, flaming, annoying, irritating Atheist, and hope it broadens a paradigm here and there.

I am not THE Atheist. I'm not even that clued up with all the atheist rhetoric etc. I didn't come to it by reading a book. The books came to me after I got there, so I like sharing the really cool annoying to christian quotes etc. Cause it's just as new to me, and it reinforces what I came to on my own.

Update on the Bipolar II and meds: 20/03/2012

Feeling okay. on 25mg Epitec and 1mg Fluanxol

Get these intense periods of exhaustion but they pass again. Gonna try getting some excersize today.

Diagnosed..Finally

So last Thursday I was finally diagnosed. What I had been suspecting for about 2 years was correct. I have Bipolar Type II Mood Disorder.

I'm relieved that I know for sure now. I suspected it every time I felt bad and out of control, but when I felt good ( which was for pretty long periods) I felt fine.

It's a dangerous game though because the constant malfunctioning of brain chemicals that went untreated shorted out my pain sensors and now I have Fybromyalgia as well.

The Good News is I can now start on Medication and move forward. Get better. I have a set of rules, that If I stick to them I will be okay.

My Family and friends know, as they are obviously affected as well. This is good. Moving forward is good. I hope the meds are good. For the moment I feel more relaxed, but sacrificed my drive to get stuff done. The franticness is good to make you perform under pressure. With no pressure I feel a bit slow, and a bit too blah.

This is good though. This is better than where I have been for a long time.

Help needed

I need help. I admit it. For too long I have been the one who helps. My family, my friends. Now I need help.

I wrote about the massive breakdown I had many years ago during which I tried to commit suicide. I'm showing similar signs again. I can see it. It scares the crap out of me. I can recognise it I can write about it, only because I have a really good neighbour who just talked me down and after I had 2 glasses of wine.

I feel that craving for recklessness, I wanted to smoke again, I want to do drugs, I want to escape. I need to get out away, express my anger frustration. I am itchy on the inside, but it is slightly different than it was then.

I have a daughter, and I am torn into the person who feels that self destruction and is barely able to subdue it, and the person who is a mother with a lot of years experience in being a bit wacky and knows what to do not to crack.

So I went to my neighbour who has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar II, and we talked. I am seeing the psychiatrist on Thursday. I need to hold out. I need to hold on. I need to not hurt anyone, including myself until then.

I don't want to start smoking again but sometimes it feels like all this crap started because I quit. I don't want to drink too much but right now that's all I have to take the edge off. I need the edge off. I did not ever think I would be right here again, but here I am. :(