I wrote about the massive breakdown I had many years ago during which I tried to commit suicide. I'm showing similar signs again. I can see it. It scares the crap out of me. I can recognise it I can write about it, only because I have a really good neighbour who just talked me down and after I had 2 glasses of wine.
I feel that craving for recklessness, I wanted to smoke again, I want to do drugs, I want to escape. I need to get out away, express my anger frustration. I am itchy on the inside, but it is slightly different than it was then.
I have a daughter, and I am torn into the person who feels that self destruction and is barely able to subdue it, and the person who is a mother with a lot of years experience in being a bit wacky and knows what to do not to crack.
So I went to my neighbour who has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar II, and we talked. I am seeing the psychiatrist on Thursday. I need to hold out. I need to hold on. I need to not hurt anyone, including myself until then.
I don't want to start smoking again but sometimes it feels like all this crap started because I quit. I don't want to drink too much but right now that's all I have to take the edge off. I need the edge off. I did not ever think I would be right here again, but here I am. :(