I feel pathetic. I realise I am having a slightly embarrassing public breakdown but fuck it..that's who I am.
I really would like some kind of escape. I've been watching TV series again, every single night. I used TV and books as my escape when I was a child, but I hadn't watched TV this consistently for a long time. It's the only thing I can do now.
I can't handle any kind of human interaction right now. I try to fake it when I have to. At school when picking up Caitlin. With most friends. a very tiny few know how hard it is for me. Or I think they know how hard it is.
The rest , well I think I fake it well enough.
What they don't know is how every single breath I take is so painful I feel my chest is going to explode. I want to scream and tear my hair out and stab something and kick something and get all this anger out, but I can't.
So I tune out. My mind actually tunes out. I can't focus I can't concentrate, I can't think. I float. I escape. I don't feel angry I feel tired. I'm okay. Until someone talks to me. Until I have to interact with another human being. Most people are okay but right now the ones closest to me seem to anger me the most.
Okay so yeah... there is sane me, that knows this is repressed anger, it's cause I keep running away from dealing with it that it has reached these proportions. But crazy me don't give a fuck, and wants her guitar, wants to be pounding those power cords, forgetting about responsibilities, and get stoned, play music, and fuck the world.
I AM NOT who I am.
I have done what was expected of me and look where it got me?!!!
I have played by the rules and look where it got me.
I have sacrificed myself, and look where it got me.
I DO NOT want this. This is NOT me.
I haven't seen me in a long time. This is me that I created because I put too much value into what other people think.
I don't want people anymore. I want me
Fuck it I can't even make sense to myself