03 May 2012

Finding my Normal

This bipolar thing is still a bit of a mental adjustment to me. For a little more than the time I started this blog in 2010 I think, I've suspected I have Bipolar II. I have a lot of the common "symptoms". I'm also a unique individual with my own interesting brand of crazy.

I am trying to focus on me, how I am at any given time, and even halfheartedly using an android app to track my moods. I have certain tools to my disposal. Yesterday was a very dark mood day, as was apparent by my post. But I know that when I feel like that I need to express, otherwise it festers. So after posting the blog I also chatted to a friend about what happened, and it seemed to have enabled me to move on. I feel on the better side of low today.

There's so much to read on the topic, even the psychiatrist gave me a book to read. Little secret, my concentration still sucks so I am only capable of a very little reading. 

The thing is I sigh and walk away when I see one more bipolar blog (haha how ironic) Or one more mental health article. They all say the same crap in the same way blah blah blah

Then I found Natasha Tracy. She writes so well, and I absolutely love all the different articles, so I'll probably be sharing a few. I'm not sure what the protocol is with that in the blogosphere.but this is one of my favourites: Mental Illness - What is normal anyway?

On the other hand I can't be too hard on bipolar blogs ( like this one seems to be turning into again....yuck) they did help me ask myself those tough questions that led me to my eventual diagnosis and asking for help. Lets just be clear about this blog though. If it manages to help someone else, Great. But it is mainly my own exploration of myself. It is me finding me. SO I have no delusions about saving the world through my half assed writing.

Of course the internet is full of scary facts around any health topic so one needs to tread with caution. Right now I am terribly scared that my almost 6 year old is exhibiting more and more signs of probable childhood onset bipolar.

I was on meds while pregnant with her, and with my genetics, she has something like a 25%  chance. She has all my other crappy genetic traits. A-topic dermatitis, and asthma. She looks like a mini me. She could have been cloned for that matter.

I hope this one passes her by. I look at her having severe mood-swings and anger outbursts for absolutely no reason and wonder. I just wonder. I kinda hope she's just a brat. I'm also scared this is her acting out because of me,

I've tried to buffer her from my worst days, but she's not always been completely out of the line of fire. I try my best. We don't spank, we do positive parenting. I try to be firm but gentle and loving. Anyhow this aint a parenting blog either. Let me get on with my day, and you with yours. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment

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