02 May 2012

Mixed Moods, Meds and self inflicted misery

I can't remember if I ever wrote of being date raped at age 19.
I don't think or talk about it much. The resolution of those emotions and pain was sorted out with my first bout of therapy years ago and I usually feel nothing much even when I do think about it.

I have not had to feel those feelings of vulnerability, dread, absolute misery and self hate that was associated with that incident for a very long time. Let me go back a bit though.

It was a long weekend. my Psychiatrist nicely asked me to please drink my meds at 8am every single day. This means weekends. I struggle with that. I tend to sleep in on weekends because after 9pm is the only time I get to  spend some time with my husband watching movies, or catching up with my TV Series etc. So it;s me time, and on weekends I like to stretch it just a little bit which means I get to bed late, and usually sleep in..

To my own detriment though.

It seems the books are right. When you suffer from Bipolar disorder you need routine routine routine. I suck at routine.

So Wednesday last week I saw the psychiatrist. Told him happily I am very stable of mood since starting the meds. We decided to slow my increase of Epitec as I was getting extremely light headed, and that stopped with the slowing. We also decided together that capping me on 100mg instead of 200mg should be okay, seeing as I had been doing so good.

Obviously the cortisone I received during my stay in ICU after my Gall bladder removal, as well as the Anesthetics, both contributed to a pervasive low mood I'd been having. But in my mind all was well. I knew why it was there so expected it to lift soon. It hasn't

So by Friday which was a public holiday I had a cold and felt low down depressed, and very pissed off with myself for not being able to get out of bed.

Saturday I forced myself out, and made myself go to the mall. Bad Idea. I hate the mall. What's worse than the mall is going there when I am irritable and low. And going clothes shopping for my picky, whiny 5 year old while she's with me.

It was a BAD Idea. And while I was out there I just started to see all these things that were wrong with me and wrong with my life, and wrong with my husband. And I sank deeper into anger and missery.

It got so bad that when we got home, after being horrible to my husband and impatient with my daughter I decided to have some wine. This after I had given up on drinking, and doing so well with it.

So I drank because I felt horrible and I had a huge "talk/fight/discussion" with my husband while my daughter played at the neighbours. Eventually we started making some progress and the wine was having effect ( 2/3 of a bottle down). He still smokes and my resistance is low while drinking so when I felt like a drag of his cigarette I rather went next door.

There we drank some more and I switched to red wine, at which point I apparently lost all memory. I can't remember much. I have never blacked out while drinking. I apparently did some silly things, and said some silly things, and acted like a total drunk, which is embarrassing enough. But when my friend went to put her child in the bath and my husband left to do the same with ours, my neighbours husband made a move on me.

Even thinking about it now makes me sick to my stomache. I have no idea why I remember this and not what else happened that night. It';s not very clear exactly how insistent he was or how touchy he was but the thing that stays with me is that same helpless, and self hating, angry and hurt, and stupid feeling. I keep saying the same things to myself. " Why was I so stupid to drink so much" " Why did I end up with him alone" " Did I fight it enough" "Why didn't I fight it more"

Just to be clear, I wasn't raped again, as far as I remember it was just a lot of unwanted attention and maybe a profession of desire. But it was enough to trigger those horrible emotions that have been buried for years. I don't want them. I can't snap out of this now.

I'm more moody, I don';t take it out on my husband though and I try not to take it out on anyone else, but it is hard.

I want to be alone but I can't. I want to crawl into bed, read, watch movies, disappear. I want to just not have to live right now, but I know I have to. I have to go on, act normal, get stuff done, take another breath. Try to be okay again.

I have to

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