09 May 2012

Advice and being there

I don't find it hard to give advice. I'm usually front of the choir when it comes to not practicing what they preach But my preaching is soooo very good. I'm so on top of what is going on in anyone else's life that I should get a crown to rule as the queen of, often unsolicited, advise..

I try to follow my own advice but this is much harder. I have a "reality check" friend, who, like me, can hand out advice with the best of them. Whenever things get murky and I'm not quite sure if I am doing the right thing or if I have completely lost the plot I will phone or email her. It's very good and helpful to have a reality check person. Especially one as good as mine. I know she will give it to me honestly and is not afraid to tell me, diplomatically, if I have lost the plot. So I trust her implicitly. I think she trusts me too.

I am learning something new though. As the most poignant of my lessons go I am learning it from Caitlin, or actually through having to mother her. I am trying to learn to just listen. To be there. To acknowledge what she is feeling, acknowledge the validity of her emotions, opinions, feelings, without necessarily advising in any way. Or judging it in any way as anything. It's quite hard.

It's a difficult thing to switch off that "know it all" busy body and not say " Oh dear if he said that, you should say this" or "If he did that, you should do that" And the reason it could be hard is because I have super controlling parents. Two of them. The struggle to figure out which parts of me are from imprinting from them and which parts I need to let go of is also making me question how controlling I am. And to be honest I am very. Very very. Up to how I even try to control my own reactions, thoughts and feelings.

I don't listen to myself very well. I try to suppress and ignore, and this is what I think causes a lot of my darker sticky moods I think.

I am not sure if this is more often lately or if it is just something I am only noticing now,. Have I always been like this or am I worse?

All I know is that sometimes all you need to do is acknowledge what another person is feeling. Just acknowledge the validity of their experience, even if it is completely alien to you. Even if you have the best advice. Be it your child, husband, friend, parent or a stranger

PS: I had to ask her for a reality check today as I nearly told my neighbour about what happened with her husband. She reminded me that it won't necessarily do any good. It will hurt her, it will not make me feel better, and no matter what I never want to see him again, so I will sadly end up using some other subterfuge to why our friendship can't go on like it has. I struggle with fake. I don't lie easily and I struggle to let it be, but my reality check friend is right here. I need to let this go. I need to work this out by myself. He was probably just as drunk as I was, and there is no point in ruining her life because of that. Comment if you have a different opinion than my reality check friend.


  1. Your reality check friend is very wise.
    Im sory this happened and wish I wasnt so absorbed in my own personal shit that I was a better friend to you but know I think of you often.

    I miss you much.

  2. Thanx Tipsy. I miss you too. You are allowed to be absorbed in personal shit. That is what this whole blog is about for me. Sorting out all that personal shit. You go ahead and sort out yours. I'm not going anywhere.