Weapons grade Plutonium

I had a really good therapy session today. I printed out this article, I've posted before http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html on narcissistic mothers, and highlighted the things I experienced specifically. My therapist was really impressed that I did "homework" and said this is the biggest jump in progress we've made since I started. 

It was because at last someone put in words everything I had been through. From what he scanned I have a quite severe narcissistic mother, and had a, his words "weapons grade plutonium", experience. So it is going to take a LOT of very HARD work to get out of that hole. And some Weapons Grade Plutonium therapy as well. 

My mission now is to keep telling myself " I am not who she said I was" and "I am worth it" and to slowly get my self confidence from somewhere. Without the self confidence I've been struggling with job hunting, constantly feeling "not good enough" to apply for a certain position.

I've also felt parralised, and like I am going into a depression AGAIN, but he said it could be part of the grieving process, since reading this article, and for the first time recognising and acknowledging what was done to me. 

Sorry for going on and on about it, but it has been a HUGE jump in my consciousness for me. To feel horrible and pathetic my whole life, and to then realise why I feel that way, and to know it is not my fault. I was damaged.

I am Angry

I am going to try to explain what I am currently experiencing, and how I'm affected by the things I realised and posted about yesterday 

I always feel like I am such a whiner when I write on here, but I do intellectually know that what I am trying to accomplish here is a bit of self therapy. And that is basically whining in a safe environment and hoping those whines brings me into new realisations about myself, or my situation.

So What happened yesterday? I have known. Intellectually  without a doubt, and had it confirmed by therapists that my mother is a narcissist. It's so bad, and her hold over me and our family is so bad I am typing this with a hole of fear in my belly, that this blog will reach her, or reach them, my family, in some way. 

There's a white hot hole of burning fear. 

Before reading the Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers I couldn't pin point exactly Why the fear. Other than the fact that I seem to be the only sane one in a very strange family dynamic. And then as soon as I say that a thought would pop up. [ They can't ALL be crazy. It is much more likely that you are, and they are right]

 I am Angry. I am pissed off. I am seething. and I am still torn. I have read that link, I know WHY I am where I am but I still have a voice in my head saying [excuses excuses. You're just a looser and looking for something to blame it on]

I guess that is what abuse does. I have this really quiet voice saying all this stuff, and I believe it, because a child believes it's parents.

That voice is making it really difficult for me to get anything meaningful written right now, but here goes. 

I am angry that my mother abused me emotionally, psychologically and physically ( severe spanking) {and the voice says, you're just a whiny baby looking for attention]

I am angry that my father, in being trained as her lapdog has perpetuated, and instigated some of these abuses himself, and still does. 

I am angry that he doesn't see anything wrong with any of that.

I am angry that I always get used by my mother and father, and that I always capitulate when I get manipulated into a corner by them [but they do so much for you. Your mother does everything for you]

I am angry that they have turned my golden child brothers into fellow abusers, and that my mother, by her lies, and twisted gossip about me has also made my whole family think of me as the looser she says I am

I am angry that no one else can see this.

I am angry that I am dependent on her for a roof over my head, and that due to me falling for her false promises and renewed manipulations I have lost the guts to get out of here. 

I am angry for being shit scared of failing, and for failing by being too scared to even try.

I just want to be okay. I just want to be normal

What a Loss

I found out this week about something terrible. The unforgivable abuse of a child. Not in the well known physical or sexual ways, but in such a deeply psychological way that it has scarred her for ever.

She was such a bright, friendly inquisitive girl. full of adventure, clever as heck. Always curious and interested in everything.

The constant tearing down of her inner self did her in though. There is hardly a shell left over. It is sad to see. It is heartbreaking, and it makes me so angry I could physically lash out about it.

Her abuser was clever. For years this girl, as she grew up could not put into words what happened to her. She could not figure out what was wrong with her, why were things so difficult for her, that came so easily for others. Why did it hurt so much? Why could she just not get ahead.

People would try to tell her how awesome she was, but she just couldn't believe them. Not after growing up and knowing every second of the day that she was a horrible inadequate person.

Could you do this to your child?

You can read the full extent of the exact abuse perpetrated on her here: 

That girl was me. Now I need to start recovering, because for the first time someone, someone I don't even know, put into words what I have experienced every day of my life. Someone acknowledged the harm, the damage, the hell. So now I am angry. I am so pissed off. But I know I need to move forward. I need to find a way to fix that little girl. To get her back. It feels like she is lost forever, but I hope that isn't true.

Once again step 1 is getting out of this house, and on our own. So Job hunting here I come...again.

Job Hunting

So I have been job hunting, not with much success. Since December I haven't done much but I plan to get back on that hunting horse soon.

In December I got invited for an interview. The position was incredibly urgent and they needed someone within a couple of days.

All went really well, I could see that I was in the running, and the job would have been perfect for me. Until they asked the inevitable question. " Do you have any chronic illnesses"

"Yes, I'm Bipolar"

Right there, everything falls apart. No matter how good I am at my job, no matter how well under control, and how stable I am. I just lost the job. No matter that they're not allowed to discriminate against me. No matter that it actually counts towards disability points in BBBEE.

It sucks. I was really invested. I hate getting invested and then disappointed, but I guess that is part of life.

Because I didn't get the job I got to spend a week in Langebaan with my parents, and my brother and his family in one house. Pity was I looked forward to it for so long, but that all failed horribly as well. More about that in my next post.

Welcome back to me

It's been a while, I know. Last post was 21 November 2012. So nothing in Dec or January, but they flew by so quickly.

Towards the end of last year I was just way too depressed to drag everyone down with me. I really started saying I'm ok and I'm fine and I'm good to everyone, while things were going crappy.

Things are still going crappy, but at least I've lifted out of the depression again. I'm seeing my psychologist again and we're working on my terrible memetics (coined by Richard Dawkins). It is basically the internal meme's we carry around about ourselves. The truths we have accepted that have been passed on to us by our parents and society, just as hereditary as genetics. You can wiki for a more complete explanation.

So there is a lot of work to be done, and once again we have limited sessions. Only 13, of which we've already used 2. We've changed to two weekly sessions in order to stretch them out a bit.

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm considering asking him to add anti depressants to my meds. I do really badly on them alone, but maybe with the other meds they'll be good.

Next post I'll tell you about my job interview during December.

I leave you with a song. It's been a while since I posted one, and this is what I am using as my theme song for the moment. Things are even tougher financially at the moment, but I can't dwell on that. I need to just carry on, and do what I can.