21 November 2012

Inner worlds

When you always run the risk of your next step being straight off a cliff and into the valley of darkest hopeless despair without any warning, you tend to tread lightly. Or as lightly as you can plan.

Half of why the unpredictability of life, the universe, and everything makes me so gosh darn depressed, is because of this problem. Now everyone feels this to a degree. You don't know when someone is gonna be rude to you over the phone, and spoil your day. I internalise this to a horrifying degree though.

For example. Yesterday was a relatively good day. Until I had to give my mother some bad news, and she freaked out taking out all the big insult slinging guns and letting them all go off against me, seeing as she can't hit her real target. She did not just shoot the messenger, she cremated her (me) and I am sure she felt such a relief to get a load of stress of her shoulders at the same time. What better way to de-stress than to take all your crap and load it off on someone else.

Me? I started off calmly understanding that I should not take it personally, and as it escalated, my boundaries started wobbling a bit, then shaking, and finally crumbled, and I took in all of that shit, absorbed it, and whoops back down deep. Hello Valley surfing here we go.

The viscous circle then continues, because now I am walking around on very thin emotional ice, the cracks are actually showing through and I have a whole day of 6 year old acrobatics to still get through, without breaking through that ice.

Where a moment before I had been filled with enough buffer power to be able to function and weather some small storms, it had now been ripped away and I was way over into the red end of this mood spectrum.

I think I managed okay, but I'm on the depressed side again which is so miserably horrible I don't even want to refer to it.

I actually sit here all day every day, in this mind of mine and think of all the things I could and can do that would make me feel better. I even try to do them. Even the ones I don't like to do, or don't have energy for. I actively try to do things that will help me feel more positive. When it doesn't work anymore. That is when it gets scary.

What is most upsetting though is when all that hard worl gets blown away by one person's inconsiderate selfishness. And in one split second all is lost. If I could undo that? If I could stop that from happening. I would be way better able to deal with what my brain and life throws me.

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