15 November 2012

Would you believe?

I think too much. Who would have thought that could be a problem. I'm way to curious, inquisitive, and I think too far. I'm not happy with well enough, or the superficial.
I've always known this is one of the reasons why I struggle with finding happiness. How can I be happy when there is so much unhappiness, unfairness in the world.

This is also why I couldn't be kept contained in a religious paradigm for very long. The New Age one kept me happy longer, but there I encouraged myself consciously to find answers in some way for things I couldn't explain, and for then believing that, just because I thought them up they must be true.

Deep down I always knew that was intellectual laziness. I miss it though. I miss being able to just let go and relax, and find a happy moment.

Why Can't I do it? Is it my meds, my diagnosis? Am I just not good enough? Why is it so difficult to let go of the whole wide world on my shoulders, and focus on what I have.

See I am incredibly grateful for what I have. I live in fear everyday that I might lose it, so I am thankful for having it now.

I try and focus on the happiness, but I keep focusing on the fear of loss. Life has kind of shown me it can kick you in the teeth whenever it wants, and I am like the scared puppy waiting for the kick.

I also realise that life can just as well throw Good Luck our ways, as well as it throws the bad stuff. But for some reason I find that harder to consciously hold onto. Mostly I feel we need to make our own luck, but one is very limited in that regard. How much Free Will do we really have? This is what Sam Harris says in his book Free Will

Take a moment to think about the context in which your next decision will occur: You did not pick your parents or the time and place of your birth. You didn’t choose your gender or most of your life experiences. You had no control whatsoever over your genome or the development of your brain. And now your brain is making choices on the basis of preferences and beliefs that have been hammered into it over a lifetime — by your genes, your physical development since the moment you were conceived, and the interactions you have had with other people, events, and ideas. Where is the freedom in this? Yes, you are free to do what you want even now. But where did your desires come from?

Of Course the Micheal Teachings believe that you do choose all of these things. After long consideration I've had to move away from that believe though. I don't currently believe in any environment before or after death where one could make these choices.

So, I think too much, and I feel too much. I have tried to shut down the feeling part, because if you walk around with your emotions on your sleeve they do get trampled.

I'll probably need years of therapy to sort out all the crap in my head, but I don't have money for years of it.

So I try to just carry on. Then I wonder what kind of a life is that? To just carry on? It's not the kind of life I want, but I really don't know how to change that.

I have started to make changes that will hopefully improve our circumstances.. I'm out there looking for a full time job, so we can move out of here, and find a space of our own. But it feels useless. It feels like I am trying to pour a drop in the ocean, and my efforts are getting lost in there.

So while I just carry on I try to also make things happen, but I feel like I moving through quickly drying cement, and I just can't force my way through. This funk has lasted for so long now, and I have been unhappy about where I am in my life for so long now, I have to wonder if it will ever change.

Three years ago I started studying, believing that a qualification in my field will help me move forward into a career where I could happily provide for us. It hasn't so far. I have received my qualification, but my lack of response to job applications really depresses me.

But I just carry on. I have no choice but to carry on.

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