08 October 2012

The painful truth of it

I'm trying to name this exact mood I'm in right now. It's on the low side. It's quite tired, a bit numb, but has all the negative self talk.

It's not completely out of control but it's there.

I don't like this particular one.

I know the why of it.

It's hard not to feel this way when, like me, you have had to count penny's for so long you forget what it is like to have enough.

I'm exhausted. It's not something people want to talk about, and it is not something I feel comfortable talking about but we have been living from hand to mouth, and scraping by on pure luck, for so long now.

The unpredictability of my financial situation has a huge influence on my mood. When I have R200 in the bank, and no idea when I will be able to get more, and trying to think how do I make that stretch for as long as possible. Where will I get school fee's from this month? How will I afford my medication, my daughter's medication? Do I buy Petrol or electricity? That's when it is impossible for me to feel upbeat, happy and positive.

It's impossible to explain to anyone without sounding like a charity case though, so I underplay it. I've been trying really hard to work for myself, build up a client base and move forward, but it is happening too slowly.

When do I give up?

I might be there now. I'm sick and tired of living in complete poverty when I have spent 3 years studying, worked my arse off, and am intelligent enough to not be in this situation. What is it that I am missing.

What part of my personality is so flawed that I can't financially sustain us?

I will try for this mood to not get too low, but I know I have no control over it. Unless finances improve it's gonna stick around. And that has nothing to do with Bipolar disorder. No medication helps for a shitty life.

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