Stopping smoking...again: A Two Year Journey

I slipped. 13 October will be 2 years since I quit smoking, and I slipped.

Quitting smoking was not as easy and straight forward as I thought it was. I just re-read this posts.one, and two. I sounded a bit sanctimonious I think.

The truth is, when I stopped smoking my brain went into chaos mode. I can't remember how long it was after I stopped that I begged my GP to give me anti depressants. Because that was the first thing that hit. Depression.

I was also very anxious, frustrated, and had a severe lack of concentration, which I still have today.

Now I know better about Anti depressants. They can be really bad for anyone who has Bipolar Disorder. It was only when the anti depressants made me near psychotic that I finally found the help I needed, and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

At first I thought treating the bipolar would treat all of my issues, and that would be that. But it wasn't.
I have gone through a journey of up and downs with mental health issues, and if I wanted to actually go through the trouble of re-reading my whole blog, I think it should be obvious that things turned darker after the stopping smoking.

I had lighter days, but there were many many times I wondered if it would all be so much easier to just start to smoke again. Give my brain the chemical that it has become dependent on. Regain my concentration, my memory. Have less anxiety.

But I have fought the evil thoughts. I fought and I won.

Then I lost.

Recently I have been going through something really really serious, and something I can't talk about. And I process by talking/writing/sharing.

It has been very difficult for me to process, and even the anti anxiety tablets that the psychologist prescribed didn't do a thing. But one night in desperation I smoked a ciggie, and it worked.

It helped me calm down.

So a week later the same thing happened again, and a few days later again. And then yesterday I smoked 3 times. Two cigarettes every time.

And now Junkie thinking is plaguing me. I know deep down I do not want to smoke again. For all the reasons I initially stopped, the most important being, I want to live longer for my daughter's sake.

But since I stopped I gained 30kg's, turned insulin resistant, and now recently developed chronic high blood pressure out of the blue.

It's like all the sacrifice I made to quit, has been for nothing.And now with the current helath issues I would really kill myself if I started smoking, or rather continued smoking again.

Is it? - Right where it belongs - Nine Inch Nails

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?

Well isn't that the understatement. I have had rugs pulled out from under me before, but this one takes the cake. Yes, everything around me is Not the way it seems.

What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?

And then you wake up into a nightmare of reality.

And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?

No, not even close. This has not for one second ever been what I wanted to be.

What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see

Yes. I am very afraid. Right now everything is slipping, and I am very afraid.

Update on Auditory issue

Okay, deep breath... Caitlin does have an auditory memory issue. It has been tested, and it is there. BUT as usual I saw something and my mind just ran with it and made myself go into anxiety mode. Something I have to deal with.

Yes, after talking to some level minded friends I have come to the realisation that maybe Harry Potter is just a little too advanced for her.

Yes, we read Alice in Wonderland last year, but I am more and more certain she probably didn't understand a thing, and just enjoyed the sound of my voice reading to her.

I'm still gonna try and figure out ways to help with the auditory memory. Her teacher would prefer we test it again, but FFS I don't have the money. She'll speak to the speech therapist for me though, so we can find a solution.

In the mean time I have to figure out something to do with this mind of mine, that goes into panic mode so quickly. Especially when it comes to Caitlin.

It seems most of what I post about her is done in a moment of panic, and then I feel better by the next day. Okay so if I didn't post in my panic periods I'd probably never post any blogs, but it is also a little embarresing.

I've always been an over thinker. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow about my anxiety issues specifically. I don't want him to give me more long term anxiety drugs than what I am already on. I just want something to use when I go into complete panic mode. Yesterday wasn't even close to what I am capable of when anxiety attack happens. And I'd rather take a tranquilizer than use alcohol.

I also need to discuss all my meds option with him. I'm on so much for so many diff things now I just need him to keep everything straight in case of drug interactions

Auditory....crap!!

Ok I've been spoilt. Caitlin has always done pretty well with everything, and other than the problems with concentration and finishing her work that popped up this year, I would never have thought anything was wrong. So the whole story of her diagnosis and evaluations were very stressful for me. Of course me being me, my first thought is always, "What did I do Wrong?"

So yes her evaluation said her auditory memory was functioning at half her age, and I heard bla bla bla because in all the other areas she was functioning above her age. So it didn't really sink in, because it didn't seem to be a problem. We read stories every night, and she loves it. She loves her books. 

BUT.... she still insists on only picture books. and the more pictures the better. I just thought, of course, she's only 7. Then I heard from the yet another friend, they have started reading Harry Potter to their 6 year old, and how they love it. 

I decide, this is it, we have to start with a chapter book too. The first one I picked was Frank Baum's "The Life and Adventures of Santa Clause" It turns out to be written in a bit higher English than I bargained on, being it was a bit older. So I had to stop and explain every word, and then read and stop and explain every word, and then read, and stop and explain. It took us 30 minutes to get through one page, and I still don't know if she understood anything. English is not our first language, but she has always been VERY bilingual. Her best friends are English, and she speaks it like a native. So it came as such a huge surprise when she would understand Nothing of what I read. But then I thought, No, it must be the book. It's too difficult. So lets just skip to Harry Potter, which is written in much more simple language. 

So I read, adn I have to stop and explain ever word, and then I read and I have to stop and explain that word, and I read and I have to stop and explain that word. understanding... Nothing. 

And then even though I had explained a whole paragraph, she would start to panic, and ask me to start from the beginning and explain it again, and she would ask the exact same questions. 

It took us 30 minutes to read one page again. I'm a bit devastated. I don't know why I didn't realise how bad it was. 

So how do I fix this? Which specialist do we see for this? And While we try to find someone to help, I'm going to try and find Afrikaans books with less pictures that I can read to her, and see if it helps her a bit

Failing the mom test

I read this yesterday and felt so shitty. I've been going down hill with patience. It's like the moment I try to bring more structure into our house, which Caitlin needs. Then I get more authoritarian. Like a drill sergeant. I'm struggling to still impliment the positive parenting things with structure. I know the two are not incompatible. but aparently I am. Or the way I think about them are.

I'm trying to be more loving in our moments of Insanity, but GAWD DAMN Things escalate so quickly, and she is SOOO emotional lately. Some days I swear it's the meds and I am taking her off it, but other days she's fine again.

I'm just really struggling with my moods. Seriously, I have my own bipolar issues as well and some times it just feels like I can't say or do the right thing to save my life.

I'm having a shitty mom morning cause she was exactly 40 min late for school this morning, because I tried to fix an area I had been inconsistent in, and she froze. She freezes very well. She's got it down to an art form. If she doesn't want to do something there is no way in hell you're gonna get her to do it.

But this morning I tried to stay calm and loving and kept reminding her about things she does well in, areas she is good at. But zip, nada. And inside of me I just want to FREAK OUT. But I don't. I'm scared of the times I do though

I'm probably not making much sense, but it upsets me so much to even consider that my inability to control my moods, will affect her negatively. I really struggle at times. This was a particularly bad week