13 August 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel

In the last month and a bit since I wrote anything I've been down and very very up, and then went slightly insane with anger, and then found balance.

Wow what a month. I didn't even realise it all only happened in 4 weeks. It felt like 4 months. I went into this deep dark, really disturbing depression. All I kept thinking of is how horrible I am, how worthless, how pathetic. How this world would be a better place without me. I constantly thought of death. Even when the thoughts weren't suicidal, which wasn't often. I thought of death and dying, and how wasted this world is when we die we just die. Nothing else, and how I was wasting this little bit of day, which is my life.

Then the Psychiatrist said to up the dose of Epitec and lets see how quickly we could do it, as I had been struggling since March to get to 200 mg, and was only at 125mg.

So immediately when I hit 175 I hit happy high. Extraordinary when you've been in the dark for so long. Ecstasy  happiness, fanfuckingtastic. But all the while I was slightly scared of coming down again. I was aware that I was way too high for it to be healthy. Then I hit angry manic. The worst kind. The happy high lasted exactly 2 days and then the person who is my worst trigger, my father, triggered me (more about him in another post)

I stabbed myself int he thigh with car keys in an explosion of viscious uncontrollable insane anger. It was that or hit him with the fist. I felt horrible. I felt like a complete asshole. I knew I crossed a line somewhere in my mind. I submitted to all the years of parental conditioning and became an abuser. My walls crumbled. The cracks were showing. No more control.

Luckily since I'm on 200mg I have been slightly more in control again, but there's been flames of anger. I just walk away though. I also started seeing a godless heathen psychologist. It's been tough but we're making progress. Unfortunately I only have 7 visits left with him because of my medical aid. I'll have to make the most of it. He says with my alcoholic father and my narcissistic mother he is surprised I actually turned out this well. That just makes me sad. I cry a lot when I'm with him. And gosh I am not a crier. Maybe it's good to cry for a change.


Ps. As I re-read this I realise I screwed up badly this weekend. I worked all of it and am a bit edgy. I'm so scared of going into the angry manic again, Trying my best to snap out of it, but we all know how little that helps. Gonna try and de-stress somehow but my life at the moment is too full of stressful situations

1 comment:

  1. Lauryan Ritzlmayr13 August, 2012 22:42

    BIG HUGS! I am always thinking of you.... I miss you!