15 August 2012

Guilt and Paranoia

I hate this Irritable Hypo-manic frigging mood I am in right now. Fuck it I thought the meds were working.

I'm responsible though. I worked all long weekend, I've been pushing myself beyond what I should know are my tiny limits of how much stress I can handle.

It starts of with me feeling a little irritated, and snapping at either my dad or my husband. I then make the situation worse because everyone is already pissed off at me for being irritated, and it feels like they keep on picking at me, they keep hassling, they keep demanding. (This is my skewed perception) No one leaves me alone so I get more irritated. Every encounter is filled with irritation. everything anyone does or says gets to me. There is no relief.

Then I start drifting off. My attention goes. I just managed to put in a lot of concentrated hours with work, so I notice the difference. I sit and stare at my PC screen. I drift off wile I drive staring at one spot in the road. I can't read. I'm still agitated and my mind goes at a 100 miles a minute thinking of all the things I am pissed of at. I get so angry. I see injustices perpetrated upon me. Everyone is out to screw me, use me, abuse me. They're all conspiring to just drive me insane. I know this isn't true. But it feels like it is. I notice that I'm uncertain of whether it is truth or paranoia. At least I am that self aware.

I warn my husband that I'm hypo-manic, but he doesn't know what to do with the info, and seeing as I am doing all the things I think others are doing to me ( picking on him, taking my mood out on him) He also struggles to not return fire with fire.

It affects my daughter who starts acting out, which makes it more difficult for me to keep my cool. I find myself grinding my teeth. Biting my tongue. Making fists, doing anything in my power to not explode, to not hit a wall with my fist, to not scream.

My mind is hyperventilating and my body is itching on the inside. I stay up way to late because I am so angry and I struggle to switch off. I have to put on a sane face when I leave the house. I have to put on a smiley mask, and by this stage it's usually showing some cracks, so I find myself losing boundaries and venting to people I don't really know.

I eventually try to apologise to my husband, but he struggles to accept it. I feel guilty. I feel horrible, I wish there was a switch. I feel angry that he can't see that I'm not in control. I can't control this. I pushed myself too hard in an effort to earn the money we need. In an effort to take responsibility for everything no one else wants to take responsibility for. I keep forgetting that I can't handle stress like other people can and I am under a huge amount of stress.

My psychologist said I can reduce my stress levels by more than half by moving out of my fathers house, and I know that is true, but trying to get to the point of earning enough money in able to do this is killing me in other ways.

What to do?

I hope I don't hit depression after this... I usually do.


  1. I stumbled across your blog because I was wondering if there was an astrological/planetary connection to the way so many people I know have been feeling lately (myself included). When I am back on my com and not my damn phone I want to remember to come back and read more of your blog.

  2. Welcome Flabbergasted Mom. I hope you'll find a different interesting point of view here. Maybe not what you'll expect