14 June 2012

Finding a precise moment

I'm trying to find an exact moment where things started to go downhill for me.
Psychology wise.

I've been depressed before. I've been moody, I've been really down. But it was occasional. It wasn't so completely pervasive as it is right now.

I don't want to be unhappy but I am enormously so. I want to be happy. I want to be relaxed, I want to enjoy life, my child, my family, my work.

I want to feel anything except irritation, sadness, tiredness, hopelessness.

Those are the things I am currently experiencing pervasively. No amount of pretending changes it. Where previously I spent most of my time happy and some of the time not so happy, I am now most of the time in some kind of depression or mixed state, and occasionally... almost never as it only happens so briefly for an hour or so, I may feel some relief. Mostly it's just less of it. Never none of it.

Intellectually I know it is clinical, and I need the medicine to help, but it takes time. Emotionally I still try my best to do things I enjoy hoping I will "wake up" from this dreariness. Nothing is working.

So I carry on. I stick to my routine, I take the pills, I try to insulate those around me from what I am experiencing. It's hard but I try to carry on.

So where did it go wrong? Where and why did the switch happen? I'm not sure. Obviously a large part of it happened when I stopped smoking. Even before that I was going downhill though.

I spent a lot of time ill, and in bed, and recovering from one illness after another. I spent a lot of time depressed, even though I wasn't as angry and frustrated, and mentally violent. I did spend a lot of down days before stopping smoking.

Stopping smoking just brought on more mixed states, less memory, more concentration issues, and a lot of weird mental effects.

I used to feel quite secure in my spirituality. I was growing a lot and feeling happy while I was there. But then my intellectual honesty took over and I started questioning everything. I think In PART; and I know it will be incredibly tempting for everyone to write of my questioning superficially as a whole, as an effect of this, but really in Part, it took on form and structure with the death of a friend's 4 year old son.

It shook me, and all the subconscious questions, all the doubts, all the critical evaluations that always felt uncomfortable, but that used to be easily subdued, came to the forefront. It just didn't make such easy prosaic sense anymore. Any soft thinking became lies. Christianity I gave up on in my early twenties, but spirituality in itself was still a priority. But as the questioning grew, so I moved away from that

I still wanted it to make sense but it didn't. And then depression also hit at the same time, because this little boy is gone, and his mother and family is in perpetual pain. They are living and trying to survive something so painful, I tear apart every time I think of it. Even now, more than a year and a half later.

That's still not it though. That's still not the beginning. It seems to have happened so slowly I can't put my finger on it. All I know is that what I am going through now is bringing up so much pain and anger I feel like I am drowning. When I allow myself to really immerse in it I almost sink away. I try to only take little bites, but it is so all consuming I want to hide away from it. It seems that every single embarrassing, or painful, or horrible memory I have is surfacing again. Even the ones I dealt with, or thought I had dealt with.

Has my life been so crap? I don't think it has, but somehow I keep going back to the past these days. There seem to be way too many regrets and a ton of what ifs that weren't there before. I hope they go away again. And soon.

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