06 February 2012

Low down mucky stickiness

What's really crap about being in a low down depression is

1. Everything you do seems too much effort
2. You feel stuck
3. I don't even feel sad or "depressed" just tired and blah.
4. I'm scared of this 'not feeling' state. It feels like this is how people feel before they do stupid dangerous things.
5. I see Caitlin trying her best to make me react emotionally but I don't know how
6. I can't make the bad thoughts go away
7. Everyone seems to see my reaction of depression as removed from their action in being an asshole. So they say "oh it wasn't me being an asshole that caused it, she's just all screwed up"

Yeah I am but you're still an asshole

No I am not going to jump of a bridge. but fuck it this sucks......
I think it might be the meds making me feel blah. I think i should see a psychiatrist even though I don't have money to pay now.
I want to crawl into a hole. I feel so stupid...so fucking stupid for feeling this

UPDATE: 8 Feb 2012

I started coming out of that funk after 24 hours, could definitely feel a slow improvement. It's quite weird when one pays attention to it. I'm feeling much better, thoughts are normalizing. I did try to force myself to just go on as normal and not just crawl into a hole like I wanted to.

Forcing movement when one feels frozen seems to help.

Now I just need more sleep.

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