What a relief

I'm not sure how many people are going to understand this. And to be honest I don't really care. Anyone who has read my blog for the last two years, and who knows me would know that I have been having a hell of a battle against depression, anxiety and plain despondency.

Yes I have been hit hard by life, the universe and everything, but somehow I was struggling with no skills to handle the knocks.

Now I have found something that has instantly improved some of my most urgent problems.
Gone are my concentration issues, my bad memory, my despondency. Away with anxiety, and now I have something to look forward to everyday.

Can it be. All just because I finally accepted and embraced the fact that I have started smoking again. No more tranquilizers needed. I woke up with a smile, I have this joy in my heart. the depression has waned, and I don't know if it will come back, I don't know if this is only temporary. But I have realized once again that my brain just needs nicotine to function well.

Maybe if I had never started smoking in the first place I'd not have this problem, who knows. But I am for once so so happy. I am facing some very daunting challenges right now, but now I can see them as challenges, and not the end of the world. I had another session with my therapist, and even he said he'd rather see me smoking again than become dependent on tranquilizers, where I was heading. Not that they even worked. A smoke worked much more effectively.

Even my dad, before I told him I'd started again, immediately noticed this huge difference in me. So when I told him he admitted that he also thinks it is just gonna be something I need to accept. It's not ideal. But there are worse things. I'm hiding it from my daughter as much as I can though.

She already has a lot of anxiety about my husband who smokes, and I don't want to add to that.

So be happy for me. I am happy again. I sincerely hope it lasts. Trying to keep it to the minimum to cut costs, but immediately I have lost my carb cravings, so maybe now I can lose some weight, and come off some expensive drugs for blood pressure.

I have noticed that I can't drink any alcohol because it immediately messes with my blood pressure, whereas the smoking doesn't noticeably affect it.

I'm looking forward to life again. I'm inspired again. I'm happy again.