The "all is choice " thing is a complete mind fuck to me right now. The easy part of it is going around telling everyone they have complete control and responsibility for their choices.
Now tell yourself that?
We go through one day making a multitude of minor choices instinctively or through habit. We don't consider them choices. You don't think about the fact that getting up in the morning to go to work is a choice.
Breathing is a choice.
Our bodies make it subconsciously but we can decide on it in a very different conscious way. By either taking the cowards way out to commit suicide, or by taking small habitual, addictive choices by not stopping smoking, not being healthy.
By doing dangerous things for whatever reason are we trying to force our bodies to stop breathing? Are we making that choice when we decide that it's just too hard to quit smoking it's just too hard to live healthy?
I'm asking myself these hard questions. The only judgment here is towards myself.
How far does choice go? Sometimes you don't get given a choice between right and wrong, between good and evil. Your choice might only be between 2 wrongs. How do you decide on the lesser evil?
The thing that has triggered this questioning in my mind was a minor unimportant episode yesterday. My dad and I usually drive to work together with his bakkie ( truck, which only has 2 seats) so my husband takes our daughter to school and picks her up so she'll be safe in her car seat.
The shop where we buy groceries is right across from the school so every now and again, on our way home, dad and I will stop there.
Last night going to the shop we saw about 10 police vehicles parked around the school, men in uniform where walking around and as this is South Africa I immediately thought something of a criminal nature must have happened.
I guess my choices where to stay calm and ask someone what was going on, or to panic a bit. Once again This is South Africa, if you see more than 2 cop cars together you think the worst. I mean we barely have enough police to go around as it is so if there are 10 together something VERY BAD must have happened.
So I told my dad "fuck it, I need to get my child, she'll have to sit on my lap
" I have always been very obsessive about car safety so for me to make this decision I must really have been very scared.
I didn't consciously have the time to dissect my emotions and evaluate them rationally. My child might be in danger I reacted like a Mother Lion.
It ended up being the friggin Mayor of Bellville coming to have a look at the surroundings as he would be visiting there on Saturday for some reason.
There are many things about that which pisses me off. We don't have enough police to investigate crimes properly or to respond to emergencies, but we have enough to send about 20 into a 3km walking route to ensure the safety of Mr Mayor, and thereby scare the living daylights out of parents on their way to pick up there babies from school? I guess I have the choice to get angry or to just let it go. I'm still hovering in between
On the other hand it also revealed a bit about my thought processes, and about the working of choice. I have no answers yet, but will keep thinking and rolling it around in my mind. I am the over thinker, and I don't care. That's who I am.
17 September 2010
06 September 2010
Times of my life
Well it's been a while. How are You? I'm quite fine.
I've not been very fine for quite a while now, but it seems that I've just stepped into a different time of my life I guess.
The part where I spent so much focused energy on exploring my Psyche, my spirituality, my mind, seems to have past a little. So now I'm moving into an exploration of my actual physical day to day life.
There's a lot I am tired of, and it hit me a while back that only I have the choice to change this. Nothing is going to automatically fall into place.
Time to make some hard decisions do some hard work and climb out of my head a bit. Because even though it's not a bad thing to be inside there trying to clean out the clutter, it will help me so much more if I also clean out the outside clutter.
So I'll see how much I feel like sharing it on here, but things are a changing, hard questions are asked, and hard decisions need to be made, in the right and proper way. In a way that means they're done and I can move on, and not just swept under the carpet.
I've not been very fine for quite a while now, but it seems that I've just stepped into a different time of my life I guess.
The part where I spent so much focused energy on exploring my Psyche, my spirituality, my mind, seems to have past a little. So now I'm moving into an exploration of my actual physical day to day life.
There's a lot I am tired of, and it hit me a while back that only I have the choice to change this. Nothing is going to automatically fall into place.
Time to make some hard decisions do some hard work and climb out of my head a bit. Because even though it's not a bad thing to be inside there trying to clean out the clutter, it will help me so much more if I also clean out the outside clutter.
So I'll see how much I feel like sharing it on here, but things are a changing, hard questions are asked, and hard decisions need to be made, in the right and proper way. In a way that means they're done and I can move on, and not just swept under the carpet.
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