What a relief

I'm not sure how many people are going to understand this. And to be honest I don't really care. Anyone who has read my blog for the last two years, and who knows me would know that I have been having a hell of a battle against depression, anxiety and plain despondency.

Yes I have been hit hard by life, the universe and everything, but somehow I was struggling with no skills to handle the knocks.

Now I have found something that has instantly improved some of my most urgent problems.
Gone are my concentration issues, my bad memory, my despondency. Away with anxiety, and now I have something to look forward to everyday.

Can it be. All just because I finally accepted and embraced the fact that I have started smoking again. No more tranquilizers needed. I woke up with a smile, I have this joy in my heart. the depression has waned, and I don't know if it will come back, I don't know if this is only temporary. But I have realized once again that my brain just needs nicotine to function well.

Maybe if I had never started smoking in the first place I'd not have this problem, who knows. But I am for once so so happy. I am facing some very daunting challenges right now, but now I can see them as challenges, and not the end of the world. I had another session with my therapist, and even he said he'd rather see me smoking again than become dependent on tranquilizers, where I was heading. Not that they even worked. A smoke worked much more effectively.

Even my dad, before I told him I'd started again, immediately noticed this huge difference in me. So when I told him he admitted that he also thinks it is just gonna be something I need to accept. It's not ideal. But there are worse things. I'm hiding it from my daughter as much as I can though.

She already has a lot of anxiety about my husband who smokes, and I don't want to add to that.

So be happy for me. I am happy again. I sincerely hope it lasts. Trying to keep it to the minimum to cut costs, but immediately I have lost my carb cravings, so maybe now I can lose some weight, and come off some expensive drugs for blood pressure.

I have noticed that I can't drink any alcohol because it immediately messes with my blood pressure, whereas the smoking doesn't noticeably affect it.

I'm looking forward to life again. I'm inspired again. I'm happy again.

Stopping smoking...again: A Two Year Journey

I slipped. 13 October will be 2 years since I quit smoking, and I slipped.

Quitting smoking was not as easy and straight forward as I thought it was. I just re-read this posts.one, and two. I sounded a bit sanctimonious I think.

The truth is, when I stopped smoking my brain went into chaos mode. I can't remember how long it was after I stopped that I begged my GP to give me anti depressants. Because that was the first thing that hit. Depression.

I was also very anxious, frustrated, and had a severe lack of concentration, which I still have today.

Now I know better about Anti depressants. They can be really bad for anyone who has Bipolar Disorder. It was only when the anti depressants made me near psychotic that I finally found the help I needed, and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

At first I thought treating the bipolar would treat all of my issues, and that would be that. But it wasn't.
I have gone through a journey of up and downs with mental health issues, and if I wanted to actually go through the trouble of re-reading my whole blog, I think it should be obvious that things turned darker after the stopping smoking.

I had lighter days, but there were many many times I wondered if it would all be so much easier to just start to smoke again. Give my brain the chemical that it has become dependent on. Regain my concentration, my memory. Have less anxiety.

But I have fought the evil thoughts. I fought and I won.

Then I lost.

Recently I have been going through something really really serious, and something I can't talk about. And I process by talking/writing/sharing.

It has been very difficult for me to process, and even the anti anxiety tablets that the psychologist prescribed didn't do a thing. But one night in desperation I smoked a ciggie, and it worked.

It helped me calm down.

So a week later the same thing happened again, and a few days later again. And then yesterday I smoked 3 times. Two cigarettes every time.

And now Junkie thinking is plaguing me. I know deep down I do not want to smoke again. For all the reasons I initially stopped, the most important being, I want to live longer for my daughter's sake.

But since I stopped I gained 30kg's, turned insulin resistant, and now recently developed chronic high blood pressure out of the blue.

It's like all the sacrifice I made to quit, has been for nothing.And now with the current helath issues I would really kill myself if I started smoking, or rather continued smoking again.

Is it? - Right where it belongs - Nine Inch Nails

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?

Well isn't that the understatement. I have had rugs pulled out from under me before, but this one takes the cake. Yes, everything around me is Not the way it seems.

What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?

And then you wake up into a nightmare of reality.

And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?

No, not even close. This has not for one second ever been what I wanted to be.

What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see

Yes. I am very afraid. Right now everything is slipping, and I am very afraid.