Love

I'm by no means the great romantic of my youth. Even though I am very much an idealist I lately feel more like a cynic or realist.

I have already spent almost 12 years with the man I love so that thrill of initial romance is long gone. The chemical reaction has been replaced by a more deeply felt and, for me, hard to explain kind of love.

Strangely enough when many people talk of love I think they talk of that chemical reaction. Love for me is a much more quiet and intense emotion. I never before realised the degrees of Love as truly and purely as I did in the last week or two.

I'm quite tired of putting disclaimers on things I say so if you don't agree, then don't sweat it. This is what I feel.

First there was my parents siblings and family. I felt a deep love for them. They where all I knew. They both hurt and loved me to varying degrees throughout my life. a Lot of it bad and a lot of it good. Hey we're all human.

Then as I got older I had friends from time to time who I felt more than just companionship with, but a degree of love. Those are usually still in my life to some extent or another.

Every now and again I'd also feel Love towards humanity as a whole, the planet, the universe. I always felt it hard to "love" a god who I didn't really know much about. At times I did really "feel " it though.

Now I think that "God" as such is much more abstract to me, and in a lot of ways really IS Love, and not even closely the guy sitting on his thrown in heaven as I was taught.

Then I met and Married my soul mate. We had more of companionship and camaraderie. I still feel very inseparable from him, but much less than at first.

It's easy to forget that for about the first 5 years we where together we'd do EVERYTHING together. I just felt like half a person without him. How healthy that is I don't know. Probably not very.

When Caitlin was born there started the biggest love affair of my life. There is no other person on this planet who I love more. my husband looses there. "Sorry love"

I'm still trying to figure out how much of that is Biological imperative, instinct, co-dependence, spiritual connection or just my inability to detach.

I need to realise, accept and fully understand and live that she is a spiritual being in her own right. That she has come here to make choices of her own, learn lessons of her own and become her own person. The last thing she needs is an over bearing over protective mother who projects her own emotions onto her.

I really do Love her though. I can not imagine my life without her. I'd hate to sound like a drama queen but I can't imagine life at all, without her.

To me we have spent many lives together, and for the first time in my life I started feeling less alone when she was born.

So I am starting to explore why it is I have this incredible need to not be alone. I spent the first 23 years of my life very much alone. Very much not in touch or truly connected to any other being. There where some connections but none strong enough to really make a permanent impact.

Now I sit with this ridiculous fear of not having my companions. I don't want to be on this earth without them.

Inner Peace 3

Continuing from Inner peace 1 and 2 discussion on this poem by Saskia Davis

The thing about Inner Peace for me is how fleeting it can be at times. It's only helpful to me as a sanctuary to go to when growth is too hard.

In order to attain my goal of Growth in this lifetime, strive is inevitable. So my inner state, when peacefull does not always convert to my outward state of being. Even though growth is exhausting and sometimes agonising, it is what I am here for. This I am sure of.

If you want to find out more about what Your Goal is I recommend reading a bit on the 7 Goals disussed in the Michael Teachings, if that takes your fancy.

I know I keep coming back to the Michael teachings but it was one of the first pieces of information I found that so completely resonated with me, it has determined my course of Life ever since. I've been a terrible student, and I'm trying to improve on that, only so I can better understand and participate in discussions with those that know the terminology so well.

Anyhow I'll continue where I left off yesterday, and will try to sound a little less self righteous or arrogant ( one of my Chief Features) I hate that one, but I try to rise above it LOL @ Me

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation


Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature


Frequent attacks of smiling

I'm putting these 3 together as they are the ones most against my imprinted nature, and the ones that surprise me most when they happen.

My challenge is to feel this when I am NOT in a hypo manic episode. Because when I am, then they come to me easily. When I feel this while not manic it is peaceful, not energetic and overwhelming.

An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

Imagine me, Mrs Control freakishness herself, letting go in this way? Even years ago when Lanee assured me that Arno will find me, and I should let him find me I still could not let go, and acted where I should not have. ( I know I still owe you all that story and I hope to end of a serious week with that "fairytale".

So I find the harder I try to control my environment the less control I have over it. The harder I try and control the actions of others, be it my child, husband, or father ( who I all live with) The less they will do what I want.

The more I try and manipulate my choices to suit me, the less they turn out like I planned, and the more it becomes a question of "be careful what you wish for"

So I have learnt the very hard way to let it go. Let it be. To trust, to ope, to even wish, to project positivity, To count those Chickens before they hatch, but to allow them to hatch by themselves. To Accept, to process. To let it go.

Remember my Depression about the School that wouldn't accept my daughter? This one.

I still feel slightly scared when I think of how badly I was affected by the school saying they don't have space for Cait, after I spent so much time researching schools, visiting them, and then deciding on this one.

I even told myself it was fated that this would be the perfect school as it was the one I was scared to go to, because of ( I later discovered) unfounded rumours I had heard about the owner being terrible.

So it was the last school I saw, the most expensive one, and turned out to be the Best one for me, the most interested in Caitlin, and the closest to our house.

So because I had set my mind on it, made the difficult to really over extend myself financially to put her there, and was then turned down it was like a sucker punch to the gut when the Universe pulled the carpet out from under me.

For a time I thought there must be a meaning I am missing, what must I DO to fix this. I she meant to go elsewhere, but how can that be true if this one felt so right.

One morning after a ton of reading and philosophizing, I decided Screw this. I am sick of over thinking over analysing and worrying about this I can not control. I am leaving it. I am not seeing any more schools, I am not doing another Thing about it until something forces me to.

I forgot about it. I let it go. Then a week later I get a phone call to say they will have space for Caitlin starting 1 March. I couldn't believe it. I was overjoyed, and at the same time I was too scared to be happy. ( I have a pattern of this fear thing)

So I thought, WOW this letting go thing is quite interesting. Wouldn't it be interesting synchronicity if my Husband finds a job and starts the same time as Caitlin. By this time I had also decided to let go of my worries and issues around his job hunting. I was not picking out jobs for him to apply to. He's an adult he can d it himself. I was not pressuring him with ideas like waitering which he has a specific aversion to. I had just let it go.

It was quite interesting to feel that kind of peace. Quite new for me. Then he went for an interview on Monday, I even forgot about that until he dropped of Caitlin at the office.

Less than an hour later he was back. He got the job. He's starting 1 March.

I'm loving this letting go thing. It's the most awesome thing ever. Once again I have been too scared to get Too happy about the job. So I'm letting go once again. I just want to believe that everything will be fantastic and we are entering into the hope and excitement I always knew this year would bring.

An increased susceptibility to love extended by others and the uncontrollable urge to extend it

I have always been a very empathetic person. To a negative point where I would take on energy experienced by another, and have trouble to cleans myself.

Lately it's been a more softer feeling of Love, respect and appreciation for every other life form. I still get angry and frustrated at others at times, but mostly I remind myself of all the things I discuss here, and I'm less challenged.

Love really is important in this existence. Unconditional, pure, non physical, overwhelming, non commercialised. Not only the emotion, but the energy. Not only feeling it towards another, but feeling and accepting it from another too.

To me, Love, peace and happiness are very much synonymous.

Returning to Joy

I've been having a hard time this week, as was probably quite obvious. Then someone reminded me yesterday to return to my Joy. That has always been music, and I don't know why I keep forgetting it.

So in order to share my Joy.....

I dug up some CD's I hadn't listened to in years and there it was.

This song makes me cry, laugh, and feel more in touch with Agape than anything else I can think of. Close to the emotions felt at the moment of my daughter's Birth, and the moment of looking into my Soul mate's eyes for the first time.

I saw this band live years ago, and it was more of a spiritual experience than I had ever experienced in any other group setting. They constantly remind me of what I have inside myself.

Live- They stood up for love
This is the Live version



Lyrics - from the Album

Naked lovers feel the blood beneath their veins
Electric nerves comunicate
With tiny explosions through our brains
Who is this energy that never left or came?
Give rise to passion the only glory
Of this human story

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Lookin' back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say, everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
In spite of the hate

Who put the flower in the barrel of that gun?
Who lit the candle, started the fire,
Burnt down the fortress, the throne?
Who could house all the refugees in a single shack
Or a lowly bungalow?
Who lives in a different dimension, free from the
Struggles we know?

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Lookin' back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
We spend all of our lives goin’ out of our mind
They live in the light

We made it to the moon
But we can't make it home
Waitin’ on a rescue that never comes
Made it to the moon
But we can't make it home
Maybe home is where the heart is given up
To the one, to the one

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Lookin' back to our birth, forward to our demise
We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
They live, they

They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love
They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love

We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Masters in everytime
We spend all of our lives goin' out of our mind
Stood up for love